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A lifelong friend and me

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annielou

Registered User
Sep 27, 2019
1,766
Yorkshire
Such a sad post at what is a truly sad time for you, I'm glad you got to see your lovely mum and lifelong friend at last, but sorry it was after such a long time and she was so changed and tired. đŸ¤—
 

Platinum

Registered User
Nov 7, 2017
75
South east
Today I sat in the barbers staring at the mirror and silent, thinking about yesterday. I mean't to make an entry on TP last night, but I was lost for words. I realised I wasn't lost for words at all, just that I couldn't find a way of expressing how I feel after visiting mum yesterday. The truth is I don't know what or how to think about this anymore. I do know I was upset, but thats not really what's dwelling on my mind.

Yesterday I waited in the visiting room to see mum and the carer went to get her and came back and said she didn't want to move. We waited a while, and then I heard mums voice coming towards the room, and there she was in a wheelchair. But she wasn't like before. Sat before me was a skeleton draped in skin. Her eyes sunk and cheek bones so prominant she was the definition of gaunt. Sat before me was a weak, frail old lady who I love very much and who's spirit is almost gone. She spoke with me and slowly she realised I was someone familiar, but not as before. I suppose we can never know if there is recognition or not because sometimes recognition is there but the ability to use words is not, but there is still a connection though vague now. She was tired, so tired and just wanted to close her eyes at first until she realised I was someone familiar, but even so it lasted for 20 mins and it was time to let her go and have yet another sleep. This is painful, because even now as I write I am teary and even though I know mum would not want me to sit here feeling this, I can't help it and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to deal with this constant demise by dementia robbing mum of her golden years. I have realised that along this journey I have never been given the chance to say goodbye and now in the firm grasp of dementia I am puzzling how to. I would give anything to undo this, but thats the frustrating part, there is nothing that can be done.

I have booked a visit for mums birthday. She rallied for a while after talking with the carer it seems that is now fading. Even though I feel like this I am glad I made sure I visited her, because the way covid is going it won't be long before there is another lockdown and then ...well.....
I am so sorry. I think denying visits and relying on telephone reports give us a sense of hope over experience. I find the visits I‘m allowed very variable because the imposed conditions are unnatural and confusing for the visitor and the visited, but better than nothing so I am grateful. Let’s hope your next visit makes you feel less upset. You have the problem of where you are going to live which can’t help. Does the hospital have temporary accommodation to buy you a bit more time. Just a thought and probably not feasible; and no doubt you have thought of it. All good wishes and let’s hope lockdown doesn’t affect us as much, now testing is much more in evidence.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,123
North West
I am the same today as yesterday, fine one minute and then I start thinking about it all.....and off I go again. Iwas looking at pictures I'd taken and decided to post this one of mum taken in Jan this year. Its the last picture I have of her before her demise to where she is now and it reminds me of who she is
Mum2 Jan 2020.jpg
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,123
North West
Thanks everyone. Its been a difficult week and instead of enjoying my annual leave I have been upset and teary most of it.

Another day of reflection and remembering the past. Making sense of the last week, if not the last year. I am not sure if I am shocked or more in the realisation that the end of our friendship is fast approaching. Over the years the changes had been small steps -almost unnoticeable giving rise to a sense of false security that ‘this was it’ this is the dementia bit without understanding where eventually it really will end. Not through naivety, but through not wanting our friendship to end -not just yet. We carry on oblivious to the snake in the grass until it turns on us and finally, we see it and feel its strike, releasing its venom of senescence.

Hope fades as the final part of the journey is unveiled to us and in its place comes sadness, grief, and bitterness in our yearning for an antidote. We bear witness to the effects of the poison that dementia brings but can do nothing immediate to relieve its symptoms. All we can give is our love, unconditionally in whatever way we can; to walk their path with them.

Here mum and I are approaching another autumn, almost at another crossroads with the paths to take determined by something we cannot understand or comprehend. I know deep down that this journey of ours together is close to ending and the pain I feel is relentless having recognised where we are in the landscape of life. Nature has rules written and she says there is no going back, only onwards to each destination. So, we are locked on this path, unable to change it and unable to influence any of it until its weary end as our worlds slowly part.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,897
South coast
Im sorry, Simon. So eloquently expressed.
Am I right in thinking that you havent been able to see your mum since the CH thought she might be at end of life back in May? An episode like that really takes it out of them as Im sure you must know, but to see the reality is heartbreaking, especially as you havent been able to visit and see the deterioration, so it came as a shock.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))
 

Toony Oony

Registered User
Jun 21, 2016
579
Dear, dear @Palerider - your feelings expressed are so raw but instantly recognisable by so many of us here.

I am sorry that Mum has deteriorated and has changed so much during the enforced lockdown. It is hard enough to witness those physical and ability changes as they creep up, when you are visiting regularly - it must be a huge shock to experience them so abruptly. My heart goes out to you and your lovely Mum.
Just keep remembering that buried deep down within your Mum is all her love for you, memories of all the things you have done and shared. She may not be able to access those memories easily or often ..... but I am sure that now and again those warm feelings of love for her wonderful son come through to her loud and clear.

As for yourself and everything that you are having to deal with at the moment, we all know what the main stressful life situations are - and you are ticking a lot of boxes there! Please take care and be gentle with yourself. If your Mum was able to do so, she would be telling you to do just that.

My love and thoughts are with you both X
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,123
North West
Well I am back to a more normal place after a feeling so low. No doubt I will hit another bottom at some point as mum continues down this path :(

I have just had an article pop into my email and guess what?

Here goes:

 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,897
South coast
Hi Simon. Whats happened about the house? Have you got somewhere to stay?

Youve have a lot happening recently, so Im not surprised that you have been feeling low.
xxx
 

anxious annie

Registered User
Jan 2, 2019
590
So sad to see the deterioration in our loved ones @Palerider. No wonder your worries about your mum are making you feel so low, on top of anxiety about moving home. It's no surprise about the delay in social care reform, I can't see it happening soon, and will there be money to support a cap for self funders whilst we have a huge coved debt to pay.
I hope you get some more visits with your mum. I have signed a petition by Rights for Residents , petitioning for change to the current inhumane visiting restrictions.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,123
North West
Thanks for asking guys

At the moment its a waiting game. Completion was set for the 11th Sepember but I've not heard anything. I have found a property to rent but waiting on that as well, because these days new tenants are financially vetted -not like it used to be :rolleyes:
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,123
North West
Thanks for asking guys

At the moment its a waiting game. Completion was set for the 11th Sepember but I've not heard anything. I have found a property to rent but waiting on that as well, because these days new tenants are financially vetted -not like it used to be :rolleyes:
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,123
North West
Well ironically I've just had a phone call from the estate agents -the purchaser has had to pull out. Rather annoying, but not much i can do. So back to sqaure one. The house is back on the market.
 

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,958
South East
Oh no , right at the 11th hour , I had the exact same thing , our estate agent then went on to check out the potential buyers chain and mortgage proposal before getting too involved to try and stop the same thing happening again , luckily the next couple were all good to go and it went through smoothly and quite quickly . Fingers crossed you get a sale soon . All this up and down is not conducive to a settled state of mind . Thinking of you . X
Edit grammatical errors
 
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Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
491
I am sorry to hear that, these things happen but it’s very annoying!
You could still move if you want to or take advantage of a few months rent free. Small recompense for all you have done though.
Very late to back out
 
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