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I am so sorry. I think denying visits and relying on telephone reports give us a sense of hope over experience. I find the visits I‘m allowed very variable because the imposed conditions are unnatural and confusing for the visitor and the visited, but better than nothing so I am grateful. Let’s hope your next visit makes you feel less upset. You have the problem of where you are going to live which can’t help. Does the hospital have temporary accommodation to buy you a bit more time. Just a thought and probably not feasible; and no doubt you have thought of it. All good wishes and let’s hope lockdown doesn’t affect us as much, now testing is much more in evidence.Today I sat in the barbers staring at the mirror and silent, thinking about yesterday. I mean't to make an entry on TP last night, but I was lost for words. I realised I wasn't lost for words at all, just that I couldn't find a way of expressing how I feel after visiting mum yesterday. The truth is I don't know what or how to think about this anymore. I do know I was upset, but thats not really what's dwelling on my mind.
Yesterday I waited in the visiting room to see mum and the carer went to get her and came back and said she didn't want to move. We waited a while, and then I heard mums voice coming towards the room, and there she was in a wheelchair. But she wasn't like before. Sat before me was a skeleton draped in skin. Her eyes sunk and cheek bones so prominant she was the definition of gaunt. Sat before me was a weak, frail old lady who I love very much and who's spirit is almost gone. She spoke with me and slowly she realised I was someone familiar, but not as before. I suppose we can never know if there is recognition or not because sometimes recognition is there but the ability to use words is not, but there is still a connection though vague now. She was tired, so tired and just wanted to close her eyes at first until she realised I was someone familiar, but even so it lasted for 20 mins and it was time to let her go and have yet another sleep. This is painful, because even now as I write I am teary and even though I know mum would not want me to sit here feeling this, I can't help it and I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to deal with this constant demise by dementia robbing mum of her golden years. I have realised that along this journey I have never been given the chance to say goodbye and now in the firm grasp of dementia I am puzzling how to. I would give anything to undo this, but thats the frustrating part, there is nothing that can be done.
I have booked a visit for mums birthday. She rallied for a while after talking with the carer it seems that is now fading. Even though I feel like this I am glad I made sure I visited her, because the way covid is going it won't be long before there is another lockdown and then ...well.....
Thanks for asking guys
At the moment its a waiting game. Completion was set for the 11th Sepember but I've not heard anything. I have found a property to rent but waiting on that as well, because these days new tenants are financially vetted -not like it used to be