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A lifelong friend and me

Woo2

Registered User
Apr 30, 2019
2,799
South East
You ARE taking the evening off 👍 ;) There is another day tomorrow . Please pace yourself , sorry if I am sounding like a nag here but downtime and rest is so important as you know only too well . You are doing so well and have got so much done in a short space of time as @Bikerbeth has said . Glad you got some much needed sleep last night . Fingers crossed the weather is kind today . Take care .
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,024
North West
Thanks @Bikerbeth and @Woo2

Well it took me most of the day to empty out mums cabinet of all her fine ware and pack it -a long process, but there were items I had forgot about and ceramics and glass ware that had to be packed properly including her Spode dinner service -which cost a small fortune and never got used :rolleyes:. I came across some Crown Derby pieces and broke into a sweat -thinking whatever you do don't break these. There was also bric-a-brac she had collected from markets which will go to charity shops.

I have to take all the stuff packed up to the storage unit and then its just the kitchen to do. After that the house will be pretty much empty
 
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Starting on a journey

Registered User
Jul 9, 2019
442
You are doing so well...in comparison we ordered a skip to clear my husbands sheds when you started.
Here you are nearly finished, Us. ...drive has a lot of rubbish on it and skip “promised” for Tuesday. So yes really really well done!!
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
580
I honestly don't know how you are coping with clearing the house on your own. Yesterday I spent several hours at my mums house with my brother and sister, trying to sort through all mums things while keeping 2 metres apart! It was so hard deciding what to keep (either for mum to have in her room at the care home, for us to have in our homes, as momentos for our children, for my sister to choose when she next comes on a visit from the US) give to charity shop or throw away!

At the time I was very ruthless, wanting to keep very little while my siblings were the opposite - that was partly because I will be the one keeping the boxes in my spare bedroom! But in bed last night I had second thoughts and wonder if we've thrown too much away!

Photos were very difficult, there were some that we all wanted so we are going to have copies made, I did not realise what a beautiful young woman my mother was! There were photo albums from my grandma with tiny faded black and White photos which are past their best but too old to get rid of. For now, my brother has taken most of them home to go through in his own time, he seems to have the knack of recognising who people are. But a lot will need to be thrown away, how many photos of unknown mountains and lakes should we keep!

I do want to know why my mum has school reports for my younger brother and sister but none of my older sisters or mine - she did not give them to me! Also no school photos for me and my older sister, just the younger two - luckily I'm not the type of person to be hurt or jealous, we just laughed about it!

After five hours, the house did not look that much different even though we all had boxes and bags of stuff in our cars! The next task is to get a skip for the contents of the garage and rubbish still in the house then arrange for the removal of the garage ( aspestos removal company needed) and a new one installed as we intend to rent the house and the management company recommend having some secure storage space for the tenants as we plan to rent to professional people only.

I think it is going to take us a long time so I am amazed Palerider at how well you are doing. What are your plans re the storage unit? Will you empty it when you find somewhere permanent for yourself to live or will you keep it for your Mums bits and pieces? In some ways I wish I had thought of doing that before we started to throw mums things away but at some point we would have to be ruthless so maybe for us it is better to get on with it now.

I wonder if I would have found it easier if Mum has died rather than be living in a care home?
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,691
South coast
I wonder if I would have found it easier if Mum has died rather than be living in a care home?
I think its hard either way
I cleared mums home when she moved into a care home and it felt like I was going behind her back and had no right to do it.
I cleared MILs home after she died and it felt like I was removing everything that remained of her life and was wiping her away.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
580
Yes Canary, I also felt that we were interlopers and had no right to throw mums things away. Most of what she had was pretty much tat and junk but she had a few lovely ornaments which we have kept - no arguments between us either over who had what!
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,024
North West
I honestly don't know how you are coping with clearing the house on your own. Yesterday I spent several hours at my mums house with my brother and sister, trying to sort through all mums things while keeping 2 metres apart! It was so hard deciding what to keep (either for mum to have in her room at the care home, for us to have in our homes, as momentos for our children, for my sister to choose when she next comes on a visit from the US) give to charity shop or throw away!

At the time I was very ruthless, wanting to keep very little while my siblings were the opposite - that was partly because I will be the one keeping the boxes in my spare bedroom! But in bed last night I had second thoughts and wonder if we've thrown too much away!

Photos were very difficult, there were some that we all wanted so we are going to have copies made, I did not realise what a beautiful young woman my mother was! There were photo albums from my grandma with tiny faded black and White photos which are past their best but too old to get rid of. For now, my brother has taken most of them home to go through in his own time, he seems to have the knack of recognising who people are. But a lot will need to be thrown away, how many photos of unknown mountains and lakes should we keep!

I do want to know why my mum has school reports for my younger brother and sister but none of my older sisters or mine - she did not give them to me! Also no school photos for me and my older sister, just the younger two - luckily I'm not the type of person to be hurt or jealous, we just laughed about it!

After five hours, the house did not look that much different even though we all had boxes and bags of stuff in our cars! The next task is to get a skip for the contents of the garage and rubbish still in the house then arrange for the removal of the garage ( aspestos removal company needed) and a new one installed as we intend to rent the house and the management company recommend having some secure storage space for the tenants as we plan to rent to professional people only.

I think it is going to take us a long time so I am amazed Palerider at how well you are doing. What are your plans re the storage unit? Will you empty it when you find somewhere permanent for yourself to live or will you keep it for your Mums bits and pieces? In some ways I wish I had thought of doing that before we started to throw mums things away but at some point we would have to be ruthless so maybe for us it is better to get on with it now.

I wonder if I would have found it easier if Mum has died rather than be living in a care home?
It has been easier sorting mums stuff on my own and has avoided any quarrels as the invisible brother would want everything of value. I know most of mums wishes simply because she told me, but there is stuff I've no idea what she would want me to do with. I have been ruthless though, I think we have to be otherwise nothing would actually get done. All the objects that are a definite keep have gone into storage -and there is a lot to be honest. There are tons of photos and they have been stored as well, until I can sit and sort through them. Eventually I will divide up these things, but when I am on the other side of this and settled myself.

At the moment I can change my mind as the skip is still here, but I am unlikely to as all the stuff in it is rubbish or tat that would serve no future purpose in keeping. If my gran were here she'd be more ruthless than me. Some of the best things of mum are photos of her when she was young and I may even have a large professional print done of one them in the future. There is also one of mum and dad when they were very young and a handsome couple -I may have that as a large print instead?? But the objects I've kept are just that and although they were mums they will never replace her frienship and presence in my life or anyone elses.

If I hadn't cleared dads stuff 5 years ago when he passed away it would have been considerably more difficult to get through clearing the house this last week because he was a real collectamaniac -and my god did he have some junk plus two sheds full of it. So what is finally kept is the residual of mum and dads life together and some of the best keepsakes are the photographs -if I am honest
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,024
North West
Today I called the CH and ask how mum was. There is no change, but there is a new lady on the block and they seem to have made friends. I was chuckling to myself today as mums nurse told me that the new lady was asking why mum had no socks on and where were her shoes. So mum and her new friend engaged in looking at the new ladies shoes and was trying to get mum to try them on and they were looking at the size 45. Mum can't wear socks or shoes as her feet are so swollen so she wears a very comfy pair of special slippers. Mums nurse said they were well away have a right old chin wag over it and she couldn't stop laughing herself as she got pulled into the conversation.

I'm glad mum has a new friend as she can't walk it will great for her to pop in and chat with mum if she feels like it.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,024
North West
Took the car to the local service station for an MOT and to resolve the ABS system and walked back home which is part of the road mum wandered down on her last ever adventure. I have to say its a narrow path and a busy A road and how lucky she was to not have been involved in an accident, its also a long road from which she turned off and proceeded to walk another 4 miles in an attempt to go home, she had walked the correct route until she got stuck at a very busy trading estate and luckily was picked up by a very kind chap.`I am still in ore of how she walked so far and in the right direction and just glad that chap was there and helped her.

Today is kitchen day and the final stage of house clearance. I won't be putting this stuff into storage as it is essential stuff so will go into mums shed ready for when I move. Tomorrow dads old shed is being demolished and all the rubbish removed so I have to empty out the things that need to be kept-which isn't a huge amount.
 

Lynmax

Registered User
Nov 1, 2016
580
Oh dear, yes, those kitchen cupboards and drawers! I still can't tackle the dark corners under the sink, goodness knows what vermin are in there! I'm hoping my daughter, who is used to rats at the stables where she keeps her horses, will empty it into the skip!
 

Pete1

Registered User
Jul 16, 2019
887
Hi @Palerider, you are on the home stretch - taken some effort for sure. I'm sure that walk back was evocative, it is incredible the strength and resolve of the human condition, your poor old Mum being able to do that is astonishing - I remember talking to the Police about my Mum's 'walk-about' to 'get home' when she was on a walking frame, I just couldn't comprehend how physically she had done it (I still can't really), the Police Officer said it wasn't unusual to witness these levels of endurance.

Look after yourself - none of this is easy physically or emotionally. All the best.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
13,691
South coast
Erm can someone remind for future reference not to clear a kitchen 🤨
Im sorry, I had a little laugh over this. I remember mums - jars and packets 20 years old and stuff growing fur coats in the corner. There were jammy knives and unwashed pots put in all the wrong places. I even found a valuable piece of mums jewellery under the tea bags!!
 

Jaded'n'faded

Registered User
Jan 23, 2019
951
High Peak
Im sorry, I had a little laugh over this. I remember mums - jars and packets 20 years old and stuff growing fur coats in the corner. There were jammy knives and unwashed pots put in all the wrong places. I even found a valuable piece of mums jewellery under the tea bags!!
@canary you're making me feel very guilty about my own cupboards! I made a casserole on Saturday that required some thyme. I found some in the 'herbs and spices area' which was dated 2017 and used that. It smelled fine. However, I also found a larger pot of thyme stuck at the back. That one expired in 1992... :eek:

I did chuck it but it actually smelled perfectly OK :D

There are definitely no jammy knives in there though. At least, I don't think so...

I do have an ancient jar of mixed exotic mushrooms in the cupboard. I doubt I will ever use it but it looks really nice!

A small warning for any who keep stuff forever: beware the cans with ring pull tops! I had a couple of cans of baked beans (don't like 'em, no idea why I bought them) in the 'overflow' area of my kitchen. (A corner of the floor next to a cupboard.) Last year I was watching TV in an adjacent room when I heard something explode in the kitchen. The ring on the top of the can must be a weak area and when the contents start to go, the top blows off with spectacular results. Baked bean coated kitchen 😵🤬
 

Daisy1950

Registered User
May 20, 2020
20
I am at my wits end with our circumstances. I've been in tears on & off all day, while he just tells me to calm down. I really don't know how much longer I can do this, but what's the alternative? Nobody else can help, he won't consider going to his daughter's for a week, not that she's offered or even been in touch since March.
Just now he has told me I've been nothing but **** to him all day. He slept until I woke him at 1 15 and I've done so much today without his help & made sure he took his meds, showered, put on appropriate clothng & fed him, whilst he drank too much. I dread him him dying but this is a nightmare
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,024
North West
Just now he has told me I've been nothing but **** to him all day. He slept until I woke him at 1 15 and I've done so much today without his help & made sure he took his meds, showered, put on appropriate clothng & fed him, whilst he drank too much. I dread him him dying but this is a nightmare
It will become a nightmare if you don't ask for help @Daisy1950 as @GillPJ has said.

Have you looked at the options open to you and got social services involved as well as speaking with the GP? It is emotionally as well as physically demanding caring for a pwd and doing it alone is very hard and it will get worse as he declines.
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,024
North West
For the record @Jaded'n'faded I have checked the cupboard and there are no ring pull cans of baked beans -phew.

I have only completed half the kitchen -yes, but its a big kitchen.

I made the fatal mistake of making a clean spot on one of the cupboard doors and thought 'Ah thats the colour its supposed to be' :oops:

I have finally booked the cleaners for next Tuesday, the first company were messing about. They will also clean the oven -allelulia!
 

Palerider

Registered User
Aug 9, 2015
2,024
North West
Well the shed is almost demolished and there was more junk than I thought, but the guys have removed it all and it looks so much tidier in the garden.

Today I have instructed a solicitor to act on mums behalf on sale of the property -they are the solicitors mum and dad have always used and it was nice to speak to the boss who remembered mum and dad very well and also any matters that would need resolving