A family at war

[jenstro]

Where to begin.

15 Months ago the decision was made that my nan could no longer live alone. She wanted to live with my aunt, but she refused and said she would be going into a care home. My mum couldn't go along with this and arranged for my nan to move in with us. Nana didn't want to be alone, or go in a home, so agreed.

It's been 15 months of hell if I'm honest and it's reached the point where we have had to place her in a nursing home. She has deteriorated and her mobility is not good. She has mood swings, has become violent when unable to get her own way.

My aunt, who wouldn't have her in her home, cut off all contact 5 months ago. Refused to answer our calls or when my nana called to speak with her. This has been very distressing for my nan as my aunt was her favourite.

Last month we hit breaking point and placed her in rest-bite care, with the view to make it permanent. At the weekend, with the agreement of my mum's brother, we arranged permanent care and told my nan. Obviously she was upset, but goes through periods of understanding and agreement.

No power of attorney has ever been established. My mum is named as an additional/joint account holder for my nans finances. My nan has 3 children, 2 children (including my mum) agree on the home we have selected etc and my uncle agrees my mum is taking care of her best interests. My aunt however, upon finding out what we have decided (remember she would not take our calls, we finally got her to pick up at the weekend) has decided that she does not want my nan in the care home we have selected (she has no understanding of the stage my nan is at and will not discuss it with us) and wants to start the process of moving her back to her location, 1 hour away and place her in a home.

My question is, can she do this? My nan has started to settle, she gets visited twice daily, we take her out and can even take our dogs to see her (she loves them) and now my aunt wants to remove her and place her in a home where there will not be daily visits, weekly if my nan is lucky and we really feel this is wrong. Why take her away from the people that have cared for her?
Yes, as horrible as it is to say, she has put us through hell, that why my aunt refused to have her in her house or give up her life to spend time visiting her in the first place, but she is my mums mother and we love her and want what's best for her. It seems to me that my aunt isn't willing to consider any of this and refuses to discuss it when we try.

The care home (bless them having to deal with all this) have advised that nothing will be done without my mums permission and will not disclose any details to my aunt. However, because my nan loves my aunt, if she were to go to the care home and tell her she was taking her back to where she came from, but placing her in a home, my nan would go ahead with it, because she won't understand the consequences of it. Just that she will be near her favourite daughter. The care home have said that my nan is not capable of making decisions herself.

My mum is in tears and panicking over this. My fear is that it might turn into a legal battle. She is my nanas next of kin and in charge of her finances.

Any help or advice is much appreciated.

Ps, I posted in two areas because I wasn't sure where was best

 

[copsham]

This is so unfair for you and your mother. I do not know about the legalese but why not suggest to your aunt that:
1. She attend an Alz Society course on dementia so that she understands what is going
on.
2. She makes a commitment to visit X times per week so that she understands your Nan's needs.
3. Ask her to meet your nana's needs to be provided with X or Y.

It sounds as if she will then back off again for many months.

Is there a specific home that your aunt is thinking of. If so I would contact them and tell them not to entertain a referral of your Nan as she is settled where she is and the next of kin does not give authority.

i hope you get some good legalistic advice soon.

 

[jenstro]

Hi,

I just spoke with the dementia helpline, they were very helpful.

They suggested we contact social services, make them aware and look to arrange a best interests meeting. If after everything they agree the move is in her best interests, then so be it.

Its great how someone can reject their mother, cut off all contact, then swan back in like they have the right and start saying where she would be. My uncle turned up at the care home unannounced today and asked for an information booklet. He drove 60 miles and refused to see my nan (because he doesn't like her, this is my aunts husband and he refuses to ever let her set foot in their house), just made digs about how difficult she was and wished them look with dealing with her. My aunt didn't even bother to come, yet claims she cares about where her mother is.

We are the ones that gave up everything, that now know her best and know her current situation. We are the ones that went though it wall, the times when she got physical or sat with her for hours in a&e. I was the one that had to take her to the toilet. Makes me so angry that they can do this. It's not for my nan, it's to make her feel better about her being in care.

 

[Nebiroth]

I'm glad the call helped.

Ultimately, it will be social services and doctors who will be the arbiters here. They would first seek to establish whether your nan has mental capacity, or rather how much she has (as it is unlikely she has none), how well she is able to make informed decisions, etc and then what conditions woul dbe most appropriate for her care.

This process can and normally does involve family. I think you can be rest assured that your mum's opinions are going to carry far more weight than your aunt's, when it is revealed that the aunt has essentially been estranged but your mum has welcomed nan into her home and provided care and managed finances for so long. Espescially as it is the aunt who appears to be the odd-man-out in the family, if the other children are in agreement.

I think it very unlikely indeed that social services are going to agree with your aunt's ideas of moving your nan if she is settled (as far as she can be) where she is. Social services will undoubtedly get a report from the care home manager about this It will all be thrashed out in the best interests meeting. I honestly think you have little to worry about. In fact I suspect your aunt will drop it when she finds out what the process involves.

 

[Blogg]

That sounds so hard. I'm only at the start of this journey so can't offer anything other than support, I hope you get the support from the professionals that you need.

 

[anne-marie]

my sympathy

honey, my sympathies - dementia brings out the best and the worst in people (and I mean the carers) do your best and stay strong and most importantly get all your paperwork in order x

 

[Lindy50]

Hi jenstro and welcome

Sorry I didn't see this earlier but I just wanted to say I think you've all done a great job by the sounds of it ( and that's an understatement). I'm so sorry you and your mum are now having this trouble. Glad the helpline was useful ....and I agree with Nebiroth, it is highly unlikely that social services would agree to your nana being moved.

Sending you the best of luck and a hug

Lindy xx

 

[yoyo]

hi there, its horrid I can't think of another word for it how people can change and make things so hard. I've learned the hard way and know now I wished I'd got power of attorney - there seemed little point at the time, relationships limped on. mum has always lived with me until earlier this year when it just got too much. but things like 'next of kin' don't really carry much weight legally, 'nearest relative' carries some weight under the mental capacity act, (look that up it will help your mum) http://www.mind.org.uk/information-...ental-health-act/who-is-the-nearest-relative/

We have a joint account of long standing. this doesn't stop our relative asking me for financial statements - not sure where I stand on this but have been told if long standing arrangement and if they sort legal reason for access their reason would have to be really good. I've listed these things because this is what's come up for us - be prepared thats what i feel. I'm going for therapy to help me recover from all this - there is help out there if you need it. xx