For my part, I'm trying to get my head around the concept of 'necessary abuse' vs 'unnecessary abuse'. Or 'acceptable' abuse...
Thats what I want to know. But how do you define when it is abuse?
Anyway, as I said originally I don't think it was intentional and I agreed with Hazel and I also was well aware that her posts in a way
agreed with mine. However, I needed to emphasise how strongly I felt about this because all too often abuse like this is swept under the carpet and I'm sorry for being objectionable but words that refer to abuse as 'tugging on cotton wool' tend to minimise an activity that is straight out abuse and not acceptable, despite technically agreeing that the behaviour was not productive or good. If one notices a pattern of 'tugging on cotton wool' one needs to seek help and consider that it is time to consider care outside of the home, not just shrug it off as a necessary evil.
TP is about offering support, but I think TP needs to recognise that it should also be offering support to those who have gone through or are going through the confusing issue of watching a loved care giver abusing their loved dementia sufferer. Or even support to those who recognise that they are becoming abusive. The issue is confusing because often the dementia sufferer themselves can be abusive as well. The difference is a degenerative brain disorder affects the sufferer and as such even law acknowledges it, they cannot be held fully accountable for their actions. As the issue is confusing I have noted time and time again as I have attempted to broach the subject and vent my feelings about it, and we all know how necessary that is, each time there has been pretty much a silence when it comes to unconditional support but instead there has been the general consensus that ah well this is just one of the things we have to accept about the disease, that one has to accpet that the job of caregiving is too stressful, that in time it will pass...This I believe is not the appropriate attitude to take toward abuse. Any sign of abuse and it is time to seek help, to change the behaviour.
Studies I have read suggest that the existence of
severe violence towards dementia sufferers by carers occurs in 5% of such relationships, and 70% of caregivers are women, bear in mind that that 5% doesn't include lesser forms of abuse. It also suggests that 16% of dementia sufferers are violent towards their carers. Another study has found that up to 19% of caregivers fear becoming violent and 6% do become violent. To get such figures from scientific studies makes me wonder what the real figure is, as we all know this is just not something that one openly admits to.
So how about, instead of sweeping the issue under the carpet, and everyone getting nervous and cracking jokes trying to break the tension, lets just accept that it is a problem, and like many of the other dementia caring problems there is no doubt very little help available for solving it.
