1. Brucie

    Brucie Registered User

    Jan 31, 2004
    near London
    Replies to a post often come like the proverbial London bus... several at once, and not necessarily in the appropriate order.

    After a few mishaps, because we're all sensitive here to different things, I now try and address a post to the specific person, or even to a number of people, if I am trying to pull together several threads.

    Then I suffer other problems... my hands are vibrating at present as I have been sanding an oak door surround. So just now, when I posted a reply on this thread that was addressed to both Nat and Hazel, the addressing came out as to "Hat and Nasal". :confused:

    [I subsequently deleted that post in case you go looking for it...]
  2. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    Ronda Spain

    that's the whole problem isn't it -

    like the post recently about the lady with AD living alone in a house with stacks of bedrooms and living rooms with maintenance issues to the fabric of the big house and a heating bill to die for.. interesting moral dilemma -

    if this is going to result in her loosing her savings and eventually having to sell the house at a 'knock down' price then should her daughter insist/force/make her move into something more appropriate and safeguard her mums financial future.....???
    It's her mums life.. And even if she has AD it's her right to do what she wants with it... dispose of her wealth how she wants... let her spend her last days in the security (albeit crumpling) of the house she knows and loves????

    You will grab the child at the cliff edge, physically, in order to prevent their death. This poor child may well not have any concept of what you are doing and the child will scream abuse and hate you for hurting it......


    Sorry,this is getting a bit trees in isolated forests falling down with or without noise!
  3. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    Michael, if you are going to talk about trees falling down, I am going to sing the "Lumberjack Song".

    I am just trying to inject a little humour. You nice folks are all falling over backward trying not to hurt feelings, or post your own feelings appropriately.
    We, none of us, are here to judge. Just support, empathise, sympathise, and then offer advice as we see fit.

    You are all doing a brilliant job out there. Give yourselves a big pat on the back.
    Wait a minute, isn't that another cue for a song "Give yourselves a pat on the back etc". :p :p love Connie
  4. jc141265

    jc141265 Registered User

    Sep 16, 2005
    Thats what I want to know. But how do you define when it is abuse?

    Anyway, as I said originally I don't think it was intentional and I agreed with Hazel and I also was well aware that her posts in a way agreed with mine. However, I needed to emphasise how strongly I felt about this because all too often abuse like this is swept under the carpet and I'm sorry for being objectionable but words that refer to abuse as 'tugging on cotton wool' tend to minimise an activity that is straight out abuse and not acceptable, despite technically agreeing that the behaviour was not productive or good. If one notices a pattern of 'tugging on cotton wool' one needs to seek help and consider that it is time to consider care outside of the home, not just shrug it off as a necessary evil.

    TP is about offering support, but I think TP needs to recognise that it should also be offering support to those who have gone through or are going through the confusing issue of watching a loved care giver abusing their loved dementia sufferer. Or even support to those who recognise that they are becoming abusive. The issue is confusing because often the dementia sufferer themselves can be abusive as well. The difference is a degenerative brain disorder affects the sufferer and as such even law acknowledges it, they cannot be held fully accountable for their actions. As the issue is confusing I have noted time and time again as I have attempted to broach the subject and vent my feelings about it, and we all know how necessary that is, each time there has been pretty much a silence when it comes to unconditional support but instead there has been the general consensus that ah well this is just one of the things we have to accept about the disease, that one has to accpet that the job of caregiving is too stressful, that in time it will pass...This I believe is not the appropriate attitude to take toward abuse. Any sign of abuse and it is time to seek help, to change the behaviour.

    Studies I have read suggest that the existence of severe violence towards dementia sufferers by carers occurs in 5% of such relationships, and 70% of caregivers are women, bear in mind that that 5% doesn't include lesser forms of abuse. It also suggests that 16% of dementia sufferers are violent towards their carers. Another study has found that up to 19% of caregivers fear becoming violent and 6% do become violent. To get such figures from scientific studies makes me wonder what the real figure is, as we all know this is just not something that one openly admits to.

    So how about, instead of sweeping the issue under the carpet, and everyone getting nervous and cracking jokes trying to break the tension, lets just accept that it is a problem, and like many of the other dementia caring problems there is no doubt very little help available for solving it.
  5. Michael E

    Michael E Registered User

    Apr 14, 2005
    Ronda Spain
  6. Lynne

    Lynne Registered User

    Jun 3, 2005
    Oh Michael, :D you do like to live dangerously, don't you?

    Best wishes
    "Snow White"

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