Mum went for respite on Friday with the hope she would settle and stay. After a bad first day she is reasonably settled BUT dad wants her home. This is the 3rd attempt at respite in a couple of months and each time wants her back after a couple of days, mainly because he misses her, but says he doesn't like the home, staff, mum is upset etc. Respite is because dad was exhausted with being up at night and he is 88 himself with high blood pressure and atrial fibrillation. Social Services have been involved so I tell him they won't be happy if mum just comes out again cause he wasn't coping before and nothing has changed. For mum's sake I want to leave her put but it's making dad more ill than he was before. What do we do?
A dilemma
- Thread starter Leswi
- Start date
Yes perhaps they could go together as a wee holiday and both be looked after 
but to be honest if it is making him ill then there is no point in separating them at this time of their lives xxxx How lovely to miss someone that much. or could you buy in some extra care at home for a week to give him a bit more rest?
but to be honest if it is making him ill then there is no point in separating them at this time of their lives xxxx How lovely to miss someone that much. or could you buy in some extra care at home for a week to give him a bit more rest?Dad doesn't really need care and he would be horrified at the thought I think. I'm torn between doing what's right for both of them. If mum comes out we're back to square one with dad being up at night and wearing himself out. If mum stays put he's making himself I'll with worry. There's the safety side too cause dad doesn't always wake and mum can be wandering in the house at night with high risk of falls. Incontinent too so she's wet at home with bedding to wash everyday.
We did try overnight care but dad was woken up by carer talking to mum and didn't want to continue. I think he's probably wishing right now that he'd stuck with that now though.
What a rotten situation you all find yourselves in, Leswi.
Your poor dad: his heart is giving him one set of messages, yet his body and probably his mind, badly need a rest, so he's utterly torn. He probably does realise that practically your mum is in the best place for now, but after so many years together, he can't bring himself to accept the separation. He may feel he's letting her down, too. And getting upset is not helping his own health.
However, this is a pattern that does not appear to end well - if your mum goes home, he can't really cope and the respite will be needed again, but he'll back out, take her home and round it goes again until a very real crisis.
Personally. I'd be trying every excuse under the sun to keep your mum in respite 'just another day or so' every day, so that he has a 'reason' to let things be that day - and the next ....
You know your parents best - will he respond to you (or an authority figure eg GP, consultant) sitting him down and laying it on the line? He may be wanting someone to do that for him so he can be 'forced' into accepting the situation rather than having to make the decision. Will he take you into account - often dad's will do things for their children's sakes - if you lay it on how you are feeling and that you are so worried about them both ...? Will he respond to practical 'solutions' so that you make sure he can visit whenever he likes and joins in activities ...? Or does he need to be told some 'tough love' to let her stay and stay away himself or both of them will become too ill to stay together?
It's a horrible situation for him, as a husband of long standing, to face being separated from his wife - maybe he needs to talk that through, and if not with you, is there someone he is close to, or his GP, or can the home manager have a tea and chat session with him?
If he insists on having your mum home again, are you in any position to gainsay him legally? Would you do that even if you can - or hold off for later?
Are you able to at least negotiate with him - mum comes home AND to make sure she's supported (and you have some peace of mind) he agrees to as many carer visits as possible, a cleaner, some day care (so that both get used to being away from each other and dad gets used to not doing all the physical care tasks) and a night carer (would he agree to separate rooms so that he is not disturbed when the carer is helping your mum - put it to him that separate rooms in the same house is 'better' than separate homes), and any other support eg alterations to the house; grab rails etc.
I appreciate all this depends on their financial positions and lots of variables only your family know about.
Just some thoughts - feel free to ignore if not at all appropriate.
I really hope you all find a safe resolution to all this.
Your poor dad: his heart is giving him one set of messages, yet his body and probably his mind, badly need a rest, so he's utterly torn. He probably does realise that practically your mum is in the best place for now, but after so many years together, he can't bring himself to accept the separation. He may feel he's letting her down, too. And getting upset is not helping his own health.
However, this is a pattern that does not appear to end well - if your mum goes home, he can't really cope and the respite will be needed again, but he'll back out, take her home and round it goes again until a very real crisis.
Personally. I'd be trying every excuse under the sun to keep your mum in respite 'just another day or so' every day, so that he has a 'reason' to let things be that day - and the next ....
You know your parents best - will he respond to you (or an authority figure eg GP, consultant) sitting him down and laying it on the line? He may be wanting someone to do that for him so he can be 'forced' into accepting the situation rather than having to make the decision. Will he take you into account - often dad's will do things for their children's sakes - if you lay it on how you are feeling and that you are so worried about them both ...? Will he respond to practical 'solutions' so that you make sure he can visit whenever he likes and joins in activities ...? Or does he need to be told some 'tough love' to let her stay and stay away himself or both of them will become too ill to stay together?
It's a horrible situation for him, as a husband of long standing, to face being separated from his wife - maybe he needs to talk that through, and if not with you, is there someone he is close to, or his GP, or can the home manager have a tea and chat session with him?
If he insists on having your mum home again, are you in any position to gainsay him legally? Would you do that even if you can - or hold off for later?
Are you able to at least negotiate with him - mum comes home AND to make sure she's supported (and you have some peace of mind) he agrees to as many carer visits as possible, a cleaner, some day care (so that both get used to being away from each other and dad gets used to not doing all the physical care tasks) and a night carer (would he agree to separate rooms so that he is not disturbed when the carer is helping your mum - put it to him that separate rooms in the same house is 'better' than separate homes), and any other support eg alterations to the house; grab rails etc.
I appreciate all this depends on their financial positions and lots of variables only your family know about.
Just some thoughts - feel free to ignore if not at all appropriate.
I really hope you all find a safe resolution to all this.
Thanks Shreditch for some useful ideas. I have got the home manager and Social Worker speaking to dad today to see what they can come up with. Overnight sits is something I have proposed but not sure yet how much financial help we would get for that.
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