A care home is best but they will never agree

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by Triump rider, Jul 12, 2019.

  1. Triump rider

    Triump rider New member

    Jul 12, 2019
    4
    My dad will be 90 this year and has combined vascular dementia and altzheimer’s. He is cared for at home by my 86 year old mother who is barely mobile due to arthritis and balance problems. Mum insists none of us mention Dad’s condition and if he has ever overheard the docs saying it he seems to have forgotten. I try to respect this but it becomes very hard when he looks me in the eye distressed and asking what is wrong with him. Lately he has deteriorated and become more aggressive mainly verbally but kicking a few inanimate objects. I am beginning to question mum’s ability to cope . She finds any excuse why respite car won’t work, doesn’t want strangers in the house to look after them and both of them reject a care home as the ultimate betrayal. She panicks when he gets aggressive and is not good at calmly distracting him. I fear something horrible will have to happen before they will accept a care home or even visiting carers are needed. Do I push them to do the sensible thing even if they will hate me for it? How feasible is it to get in careers at the time of greatest neeed for dementia sufferers?
     
  2. ANITRAM

    ANITRAM Registered User

    Feb 2, 2019
    28
    I am sorry to hear you are in this difficult situation. Many people find that it takes some sort of crisis / medical emergency before care support starts for the person with dementia and their unpaid carers . It is quite common for an older couple such as your parents to just muddle along not seeing the real picture and the inevitable dangers in the situation. My FIL was viscously attacked by my MIL during the night before we were able to start the process of care for them both . Don’t wait for this to happen if you can . Ring social services and ask for a care assessment and explain your concerns for TWO vulnerable adults. They have a duty of care to assess the situation. Maybe with an independent 3rd party view of the position your parents may accept help ?
     
  3. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Registered User

    Apr 1, 2016
    2,917
    Nottinghamshire
    Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Triump rider

    As @ANITRAM has said the best thing to do is ring SS and ask for a care assessment for both your parents. A good social worker will be used to dealing with people who are reluctant to accept that they need help and although they can't insist that your parents do they may be able to persuade them if they present it in the right way.

    Don't try to persuade your parents to accept help - just make arrangements and hope for the best. If you can be present when the assessment takes place you may be able to present the true picture as its likely your parents will say they're just fine...

    Good luck!
     
  4. Triump rider

    Triump rider New member

    Jul 12, 2019
    4
    Thanks. I spent the day with them both. Explained how scared I was that I would get a call one night that things had gone too far and that I had to arrange emergency care for both of them. Mum agreed to start the process of getting an experienced dementia carer in for a few hours a day to get them both used to it and to provide some respite for her. Clearly it will be up to me to take the lead on this but at least now we have had some agreement. We have had SS in several times and I have been there but they are both so proud and put on the best show and give the impression everything is fine so nothing happens. Even if they are doing it for me not themselves I am just happy some back up may now be put in place.
     
  5. Triump rider

    Triump rider New member

    Jul 12, 2019
    4
    One issue we will have to face now we have have got as far as seeking help is how to do it. One of the obstacles Mum raises is reports she has read in the paper of care companies overloading their staff so that they have end-to-end 15 minute appointments with no time to travel in between and no time to offer quality care. This is likely to be what’s on offer from SS. The alternative seems to be to employ a carer directly and take on board some of the responsibilities of an employer. Mum would never do that but I would if it means better care for them. I can also afford it. Any advice on going this route?
     
  6. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    980
    My mother-in-law used a private care agency as she was self-funding and we never had any input from social services. She was paying about £23 an hour in the week and more at weekends this was a national company with a franchise in her area which was in the Kent She was living on her own

    I was generally very satisfied with the care that this company provided and in fact they did not do 15 minute calls the minimum call was 30 minutes. They weren't the cheapest in the area but I felt they had more to offer in backup and a manager who was clearly interested in what she was doing. We were given a roster a week in advance of who was calling and what time they should be calling. We did have occasions where carers were running late for various reasons and they also had issues around staffing particularly at holiday periods. The carers came initially in the morning just to make sure my mother-in-law was ok and do her breakfast she always refused personal care but that's another story. Gradually we introduced a lunchtime visit 7 days a week for the carers to provide her with a hot lunch. She also eventually got a an evening visit just to make sure she was ok. The company also provided a sitting service if we needed it and also undertook overnight care which is actually very expensive although we never needed it ourselves. Eventually the disease progressed and there was no alternative but for my mother-in-law to go into a care home.
     
  7. Triump rider

    Triump rider New member

    Jul 12, 2019
    4
    Thank you that is encouraging. Would you be willing to tell the national company?
     
  8. Rosettastone57

    Rosettastone57 Registered User

    Oct 27, 2016
    980
    The rules in this forum prevent me from recommending the company. A Google search will give you various care companies in your area .
     

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