A bit of a difficult question..... sorry

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by DaisyG, Oct 17, 2006.

  1. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England
    I'd like to ask advice on how to deal with violent and aggressive behavior?
    Sorry if this offends anyone.

    Is this just a stage we are going through...?
    Does it generally affect men more than women?

    Husband now almost the exact opposite character ... from who he was pre AD.


    Anything can and does upset him.. promoting an outburst of aggression.
    I've coughed .... and that has set him off.....

    He has hurt me.....

    His whole care team / Docs etc know this.....

    It is not like we can avoid situations etc... to distract an episode of V and A

    He says he remember hurting me on a few occasions. It is getting much worse.

    He says that I deserve to be hit.... Need to be hit.... etc etc...

    He's had a FULL medication check to see if this a possible side effect problem ... but it is not.

    HIS ..... Psychologist and Psychaitrist says MY SAFETY is most important.

    Sorry to ask others...
    But how have you all dealt with this trpe of behavior?

    I understand if you do not want to discuss this topic here.... but any advise would be appreciated.

    It's an almost daily thing now.


    Take Care

  2. daughter

    daughter Registered User

    Mar 16, 2005
    Hi Daisy, this has been discussed before on TP because, even though its a difficult subject, it is one of the problems that is encountered by many and is very difficult to avoid, as you say.

    My Mum had this problem with Dad. His whole personality began to change and, With no apparent trigger, Mum would be on the receiving end of anger and swear words. (Dad was always amiable before this and did not like swearing). Her way of dealing with it was to go out of the room on the pretence of having to do something and hoping Dad would calm down in the meantime.

    Even though she knew this was the disease, it hurt her emotionally and the stress, along with all the other ways that Dad was behaving, was getting to be unbearable for her. Sometimes she even had to hide because she was scared he would be violent. We all agreed that when it got to this point, Mum's safety was paramount and it was then that we started to look around for a home for Dad.

    I am not saying this is the thing to do in your case but just telling you how it was for us and that I understand your difficulties.

    There is a fact sheet on "Dealing with aggressive behaviour":

  3. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hiya Daisy

    I'm so sorry that your having to go through this honey............my god, you must be walking on egg shells!

    I have no experience whatsoever of violence with AD, but i do have lots of experience of violence and aggression in other areas and i would say that there is not much difference between the two, as violence is violence, however, i do think it is worse in your case as your husband is not responsible for his actions and therefore it is not predictable.

    I attended a course once on violence and i remember the tutor saying 'when a relationship (any relationship, whether personal, career or health) reaches the stage where one person needs to use physical violence to communicate then its time to seek urgent help' i think he is right!

    Some might not agree with me but........... i'm sorry honey, i think you need to get help urgently............and if that means him going into care then so be it.
    I know its easy for me to say, and it must be so tough for you, but i do think that you need to put yourself first in a situation like this.

    Take care Daisy.........and i mean that!
    Love Alex x
  4. Canadian Joanne

    Canadian Joanne Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 8, 2005
    Toronto, Canada
    #4 Canadian Joanne, Oct 17, 2006
    Last edited: Oct 17, 2006
    My mother is currently in hospital as she was sent there from her nursing home because they could not handle her aggression. Her triggers were also almost anything but I have a feeling they were to do with sound. I once asked her if she wanted to go to her room & she started punching me. The residents she went after physically also tended to be the more vocal ones. So that could be part of the triggering factor.

    But you do need to be safe, both physically and emotionally. Is respite a possibility? You do need it, and perhaps if your husband doesn't see you for a week or two, it might help. One of your earlier posts refers to it & I hope you get it asap. Plus it does sound like perhaps it might be time for something more permanent.

    Take care of yourself.

  5. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England

    Thanks everyone..

    Yes Joanne, got respite arranged for the beginning of December.
    It's the earliest they can do for us/me.

    I've also done a 'Carers Course'... and part of that was talking about aggression and managing difficult behavior etc...


    I have a good relationship with all of my husbands CARE TEAM ETC...

    Psychiatrist told me the other day that if this next change in medication does not work than the only alternative is likely to be a CARE HOME.....


    There are no 'preferred times' of the day when we can have an episode.....
    He even gets angry on waking up briefly in the night.
    I aparently make too much noise turning over in bed !!

    I occasionally thinks that HE DOES HAVE 'SORT - OF TRIGGERS' ... and on those occasions I take myself out of the room and as far away as possible...

    I've thought about getting a proper lock on the bedroom door...
    BUT he has said that he would BREAK IT DOWN.

    Don't know how far he would go.

    He is very strong... despite poor mobility from his strokes

    Episodes can last for hours ... or a few minutes.

    He can thenn swich off .... and go back to being as calm as ever... and can be quite 'nice' (hate using that word....).

    I too have thought about THE NOISE ISSUE ....

    Thanks everyone....

    Take Care,

  6. clare

    clare Registered User

    Oct 7, 2005
    Hi DaisyG

    My mum was very violent, anything could set her off. If spoke too loud, if you didn’t speak at all. There was no reason or pattern to her outbursts except to day that all the things she found hard to tolerate when she was well were the things that really made her violent and unfortunately doctors; nurses were never a ove of hers.

    Mum had to go to a care home when it became too much for my dad, he was living in fear. She even hit him when he was asleep and he always hid knives etcShe would kick him every time he walked past her.

    Various medications didn’t seem to help, only now that she has grown weaker has this become less although even on her worse day she will have a go at a nurse.

    You must put your own safety before anything else, because if you get injured who will be around to support your hubby then??

    Please let everyone in your care team know just how bad the violence has become.
    Sorry this is not a very happy post.
    Thinking of you

  7. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Strange that you say

    and that they do not offer you emergency respite now. Do you know that they can offer you that , and that you can ask for that ?
  8. Kathleen

    Kathleen Registered User

    Mar 12, 2005
    West Sussex
    Hello Daisy G

    When my Grandad started to be aggressive towards my Nan, she asked for emergency respite and got it within days and as Margarita says, as all his care team know what is happening, ask for help now.........if they refuse, you may have to demand they do something urgently to assure your safety.

    Get on the phone and good luck,

  9. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England
    Thank You

    Thanks for your replies....

    Where we live there are so few respite places in the first place.

    If he were older then it might be a lot easier.
    He's still only just 46...... and most homes require you to be 65 +.
    Then he has his MULTIPLE needs..... not just AD.

    I guess the 'team' are just happy that he is currently at home with me... and not in a home on a permanent basis.


    Don't want to have to go the sectioning route .... yet...

    What would this involve anyway?

    I've been told that if necessary I would just have to leave our home with an overnight bag....
    Ring the duty Social Worker.... to let them know this is the case... so they can arrange an emergency carer / cover to come over.

    I've read on another web page that
    you can be prosecuted for abandonment if you leave....

    Does anyone else know where the law stands on this?

    Can't remember where I read this, It was ages ago..... and not relevent to me at the time.

    Thanks for your comments.

  10. jenniferpa

    jenniferpa Volunteer Moderator

    Jun 27, 2006

    No, no one can force you to care for another adult, no matter how mentally incapabable he might be.

    You need to have the following, if you don't already
    1)a lockable room
    2) a mobile phone
    3) a packed overnight bag in an easily accessible place (perhaps the car?)
    4) a spare set of car keys, also easily accessible, or emergency funds in cash to allow you to get a taxi

    We all understand that your husband is not responsible for his actions, but we also understand that a 46 year old male could do a lot of damage. Yes, if you have a locked door he might break it down, so it's better to get out of the house, but it might give you enough time to call 999 and get the police there. Don't mess about with this Daisy - I understand that when you're in the carer mindset, you're more concerned about him, but your welfare HAS to be uppermost in your mind.

  11. DaisyG

    DaisyG Registered User

    Feb 20, 2006
    North West England
    Thank You

    Thanks everyone...

    Will post again later tomorrow,

    Things calm at moment.

    Just had a thought though....

    We have an 'immediate response emergency code'
    thing on our house alarm.

    I punch in a SET CODE.... and we get (supposedly) an INSTANT call out from the local constabulary !!.

    Might be a quicker way than dialing a 999.

    Thanks again.
  12. alex

    alex Registered User

    Apr 10, 2006
    Hi Daisy

    I wish i could speak to the care team!.................i'm sorry, but it bl**dywell makes my blood boil............... Daisy honey.........if the ss are informed that you are in a vulnerable position they then have a duty of care to you, .......so get on the phone first thing tomorrow and tell them how bad your situation has become, make sure you tell them about the violence and then you need to demand emergency respite............don't take no for an answer...........be persistent!

    It scares me to think about you in this situation..............so, good luck!

    Love Alex x
  13. patriciacolliso

    patriciacolliso Registered User

    Nov 23, 2005

    my husband was the same has your husband. only older he is nearly 67 now. i was told about his alzeimers three years ago. i feel so sorry for you and your husband he is so young. but my husband was very violet to me. used to smash things up. chuck things all over the place. even in the night. i used to run out of the way and my friend down the road would take me in. it got so bad and i am in ill health myself, that one evening i phoned the police. i stayed with my friend ,and the police came down and took him in hospital to be assessed. i then had some help. the hosital arrange resbite. and daycare for him 5 days aweek. then went he got very much worse he went in a care home. which is very good to him.but you do have to insist that you need help staight away. i do hope you get some help quitely. take care of yourself. pat
  14. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    My mother only had a few violent episodes, there were times when I locked myself into the upstairs bathroom with my phone, with her whining and scratching at the door like a puppy, and once when I went out leaving messages for neighbours, GP, relations etc. and just stayed away for a few hours.

  15. Lila13

    Lila13 Registered User

    Feb 24, 2006
    It did seem strange that doctors and social workers didn't take her violent episodes seriously but then of course they never saw her in that state.

  16. Cate

    Cate Registered User

    Jul 2, 2006
    Newport, Gwent
    Hi Daisy

    Please, please get yourself out of that situation NOW. How dare SS fob you off like this. Please, please dont wait for the next outburst of violence, it could be too late, you could be seriously hurt and unable to get help!!!!

    Please let us know that you have arranged care for your husband TOMORROW.
  17. plastic scouser

    plastic scouser Registered User


    My Mum is having the same problem - she's been hit only the once fortunately but Dad regularly threatens her and constantly swears at her and calls her every name under the sun. He actually attacked a family friend with a walking stick a few weeks ago - they called the police who did little other than pass on the details to the mental health team. Dad's specialist & the mental health team seem pretty disinterested but Mum's doctor has prescribed diazepam for Dad, Mum just puts a drop in his tea when she's getting wary of his temper and this does calm him down...
  18. TamiR

    TamiR Registered User

    Oct 23, 2006
    Orange, Califronia
    There is medication to help Resperidal

    My mom had some agressive behavior but not as bad as indicated, however, my her doctor recommended that she be placed on Resperidal. This is a very strong medication so I've only given her 1/2 of 1 mg daily but it did the trick. There are side effects to this and any type of medication must be talked with your doctor about but this has been a blessing.

  19. Margarita

    Margarita Registered User

    Feb 17, 2006
    Yes, I have heard of that for woman that have experience domestic violence its like code red that take first priority, I was offered one of them long time a go . (Not with mum) do not let fear get in your way of using it

    I did not realize your husband was so young. How it all going ?
  20. dondon

    dondon Registered User

    Nov 1, 2006
    my mum is going thru exactly same at this moment and its very hard my dad is the complete opposite of his former self i have no words of wisdom for you but i do hope you get the emergency respite that he needs Violence is a terrible stage of this illness and unfortunatley it seems to b a common phase too your safety is of the utmost importance as well as taking care of him you need to watch out for yourself too it is very important that you keep yourself out of harms way during these episodes


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