A bit new to this...


I stumbled across this site the other day and thought i would post and see if anyone has any information they can give.

My boyfriend is 24, his father passed away about 3 weeks ago. His mother has not been officially diagnosed with AD which might not be all that helpful but she certainly seems to have a lot of the signs of it and Andy often tells people that she is Alzheimic.

Andy has had to give up uni to care for his parents since his father became unable to care for his mum as he crushed some of his vertebrae. People keep saying that this fact should be more than enough for someone to step in and help but we dont know who is meant to give this help in light of his circumstances. And what help is he entitled to?

His mum has carers in the morning and evening to get her in and out of bed. Cathy cannot weight bear and as such has a hoist to get her into a bed which is downstairs. She only gets a bed bath, the carers put her in increasingly dirty clothes - they never have the initiative to ask for clean ones, and hurry her to eat her dinner in a manner so abrupt it makes me angry. They dont care, they're appalling but we dont know what to do, she needs carers.

Since Andy's father passed away his mum has become increasingly unstable. Well not unstable, but she appears to be developing compulsions such as pulling her hair out in clumps (she's now developing a bald patch) and furiously scratching the ezcema on her hand and foot.

She's been more or less housebound for nearly a year owing to the fact the council claim to not be able to afford a ramp for her to get out of the house and to the day centre.

I feel a bit like im rambling, there's so much information, she had a massive stroke about 20 years ago, could her current state stem from that?

And how do we get things to go in and stay in, for example, the fact that Jerry is no longer alive. It's heartbreaking that she asks every 30 seconds and its getting more than a little frustrating for Andy, who is normally a very patient guy.

I was with them yesterday and it was even starting to annoy me slightly, which must sound awful but it's just constant. How do we go about sorting things out because i worry Andy wont be able to take it for very long. Any help or advice greatly appreciated.

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Registered User
Mar 13, 2006
hi amylena

welcome to Tp
not sure ive got a lot of answers but im sure you'll get lots soon
the stroke could well have started some form of dementia, my mum suffered brain damage through a heart attack, hence her dementia,
you certainly sound as if you need some sort of help, is there anyway you can get mum to a doctor? think that might be your best start.
she certainly sounds as if she needs some sort of help.
is she on any medication that would alleviate the symptoms she has?
perhaps if you give the alzheimers society a call they would give you the info you need to get you started to help mum
best wishes

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
Hi Amy,

I read your post with dismay. Your boyfriend seems totally out of his depth. There must be more help for him and his mother than they`re getting now.

If he`s so stressed he`s hasn`t the strength to fight, could you make a few enquiries for him.

I`d contact the Alzheimers Society Helpline to begin with and follow any leads they can give. I`d also contact Social Services and ask for a home visit for assessment purposes. I`d also ask for a home visit from the family GP.

It seems that Andy, as a devoted son, has accepted responsibility for his parents without question. But the more he does, the more will be expected of him. He can`t put his life on hold for ever, and certainly shouldn`t have been expected to give up university, as that will have a permanent affect on his future.

Keep posting and let us know if you get any better support.


Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
Hi Amy

Welcome to TP. It sounds as if you and Andy are in an intolerable situation, and you shouldn't be. There is help out there which you are obviously not getting.

Lots of good advice from Nada and Sylvia. The GP and a diagnosis is obviously your first step.

I would also contact the local branch of Alzheimer's Society. and Princess Royal Trust for Carers. Both of them will be able to give you lots of support.

I can't understand why you are getting such poor service from Cathy's carers. Do you have them from Social Services? If so, a formal complaint is in order.

And Sylvia is right, Andy should not have had to give up his uni course. You need to ask for a re-assessment from SS, and stress that you cannot go on like that. Andy is entitled to a carer's assessment, to assess his own needs.

Andy is clearly under a great deal of stress, and he is so lucky to have you to support him.

Good luck, and let us know how you get on.