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A bad start to the day.....

Stresshead

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
96
Hi this is my first post however I read other peoples posts on here every day. Some posts pick me up and some posts make me cry as they resonate so strongly with me. I'm posting today as I just feel so down. My dad has been living with us now for 2 years and is in the mid stages of Alzheimers. There has only been the two of us for a long time and he has been the best dad I could ever have hoped for. Even though I love him very much I am finding this situation really difficult to deal with. My husband and I work full time and have absolutely no support network around us. As you will all know, things change every day with Alzheimers and every day brings a new challenge. Todays challenge saw me slightly lose my temper to which I instantly regret and am now writing this post sobbing. The latest set of skills to go is knowing to wash and brush teeth in the morning and after 4 attempts at trying to get him to do it this morning I got ratty which only upsets him and me. There is much more to this post than just not brushing teeth but I'm hoping people reading it will realise that. I hope you don't think I'm a monster but my God nobody prepares you for the range of emotions that this vile disease puts you through. Sorry if my post is a bit rambling. Wishing you all strength x
 

sistermillicent

Registered User
Jan 30, 2009
2,949
I don't think you are a monster and neither will anyone else here, many carers here will completely recognise the frustration and sheer exhaustion you feel - you feel it with the illness that has taken your Dad and made him into someone different

I know that doesn't really help, I often have said that I would kick the next person who told me it isn't my mum it's the illness, because it IS my mum with the illness.
Oh dear, I feel so bad for you, please forgive yourself for getting ratty and do something simple like sit down and have tea and biscuits with your dad if you can for a few minutes.

I hope you have had a carers assessment and that you are getting a little bit of support and help from that.
x
 

Tin

Registered User
May 18, 2014
4,825
UK
Its the little things that after a while really get to you. My mum has been living with me for a year now and its only the last month that I have noticed she has lost/forgotten how to do some simple everyday tasks. Instead of soaking her full dentures she is soaking the steredant tube and toothpaste in a cup of water, she has been doing this for sometime because she has always refused to take her dentures out, cleaning them in situ with a toothbrush, Every now and then it gets to me and I become so frustrated and stupidly try to explain it all to her, I know why I try, because other times when I explain I can see that she does understand and sometimes remembers instructions, so why not the denture thing!!
 

Spamar

Registered User
Oct 5, 2013
7,070
Suffolk
Oh yes, stresshead, been at that point for some time! It kind of creeps up on you. Now it means I have to help him wash and dress every time. Sometimes he throws a strop and does it himself. Last week when this happened I went in shower room and he'd put his socks on - his hands! Gently said that socks usually go on feet. Next time I went to see how he was getting on, socks were on feet - over bed socks! You've got to laugh or you would cry your eyes out ( been there, done that).
Tin, teeth is another one. I can't ever remember his soaking his teeth, he usually cleans them however I have to step in every so often and get him to take them out and give them a good clean. I always make him use mouthwash afterwards as well.
I just hate seeing false teeth lying around and I'm not fond of cleaning them either!
 

Margaret79

Registered User
May 11, 2010
2,077
Wisbech, Cambridgeshire
Hello Stresshead and welcome to TP.

I hope that you find as much comfort from here as I do. It's like having a family who totally understand where you're coming from and have a mine of information, experience and such huge hearts you wouldn't believe it.

My Mother in Law (MIL) lives with us albeit in an annexe and not in our house but I totally understand where you're coming from.

This morning she came over saying the boys had told her to come over for lunch (at 10.30!) she had her trousers on over her pyjama bottoms, one bed sock and one proper sock and was totally confused. My patience is a bit thin today as I suffer from fibromyalgia, had a bad night's sleep last night and am in a lot of pain. I felt really bad as I was short and sharp with her, sorting out her clothing and then getting her breakfast.

But, do you know what Stresshead, we should be patting ourselves on the back not berating ourselves for those times that we find so difficult. Easy to write and so much more difficult to put into practise.

So I'm gonna pat you on the back for what you do, it's a difficult job, one none of us are trained to do and yet we give ourselves such a hard time for not being superwoman. Give the guilt monster the elbow, he'll appear again and again but tell him to bog off :D:D

Take care of yourself, have you had SS assessment for your Dad and carers assessment for you? keep posting, having a rant on here really does help. Look forward to seeing you around.
 

opaline

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
182
Mum stays with us, too and we work full-time but she has carers in for 15 mins in the morning and 15 mins at lunch-time, they also shower her twice a week so if you haven't already done so you really MUST get your dad assessed ASAP, xx
 

CollegeGirl

Registered User
Jan 19, 2011
9,524
North East England
You are as far away from being a monster as it's possible to be :).

You love and live with and care for your dear dad and that does not make you a monster; more like an angel.

I do believe, though that you and your husband will need some help and support. Advice and emotional support can be done right here! TP is just great for that, so welcome.

For hands-on support you need to contact Social Services and arrange for a care needs assessment for your dad, and a carers assessment for yourselves, and take it from there.

Keep posting xx
 

leedsfan

Registered User
Apr 1, 2012
421
Hello,

Just wanted to say I bet there isn't one person on here that hasn't experienced what has happened to you today. It's no good my saying don't beat yourself up because you will. You love your Dad,simple. Trouble is dementia is not simple, far from it, and it's not until you look after someone with this vile disease that you learn that.

I looked after my dad for a long time, he was in his own home carers 4 times a day,and me in between. One night after he'd rung me for the tenth time, I got dressed, it was 11pm and I walked 2 miles in pouring rain to my dads house. He had been screaming that he was on a bus and lost. I tried to reassure him on the phone, it usually worked but not that night. I arrived at his place, and with some trepidation I let myself in. There he was watching Match of the Day and happily munching a packet of crisps! He said' What the heck are you doing here'? I'm afraid I shouted at him and flounced out. I sat on a bench on the way home and screamed and cried. I could not sleep for the awful guilt. Next morning he had no recollection of the previous night.

So I forgave myself, you must forgive yourself, sounds like you are a loving caring daughter. Shelve it away and don't let it eat way at you. We all understand.

Jane x
 

Solihull

Registered User
Oct 2, 2014
97
West Midlands
Dear Stresshead, you are quite normal for feeling the way you do. My Mum lived on her own with my help(from 10 miles away) until July/ August. She would ring me & ask where Dad was, he died in 2001, was he having an affair and when would she be going home (she was home). She did not eat, wash & I don't think she changed her clothes unless I helped her. I love her dearly but my patience was stretched to the limit & had to walk away because I was shouting louder & louder. We have never fallen out in 63 years. Crunch time came when her health deteriorated through self neglect & after a short spell in hospital we found a lovely care home. She is 91 & after five months has never looked better. She has no recollection of the bad times although I do & will never get over the guilt, you can only do your best x
Sue
 

Lancashirelady

Registered User
Oct 7, 2014
110
I have the greatest admiration for all of you who manage to have their loved one live with them. I know I would be in a strait jacket within a fortnight if my Mum came to us and her dementia is not nearly as bad as many posters on here have to deal with. You must not beat yourself up for being human. In my book you are a saint! But I do think you need some support - and having a carer in even for half an hour a day would give you a bit of relief.
 

Stresshead

Registered User
Sep 13, 2014
96
Thank you so much to all who replied. It's so good to know that there are people out there who truly understand what it's like to be in this position and don't judge you for the bad days. I took your advice, took a deep breath and when dad came in from his day centre I sat and had a nice cup of tea and slice of cake with him. He, of course, couldn't remember me snapping so I didn't bring it up and just left it alone. He is an absolute sweetheart and I hate what this disease has done to him and countless other loved ones out there. I just pray that one day they will find a cure. In the meantime, I wish you all strength and love xx
 

Ash148

Registered User
Jan 1, 2014
274
Dublin, Ireland
Dear Stresshead, it is about the only consolation with this terrible disease that when we carers lose it, thankfully our loved ones do not remember for long. I've walked in your shoes, know how you feel, so glad we can share our experiences here.
 

dottyd

Registered User
Jan 22, 2011
1,064
n.e.
Mum stays with us, too and we work full-time but she has carers in for 15 mins in the morning and 15 mins at lunch-time, they also shower her twice a week so if you haven't already done so you really MUST get your dad assessed ASAP, xx
How can they possibly shower someone in fifteen minutes. It's I humane. Why aren't we voting with our feet?