I'm off work today so I have let myself think about Dad and cry
I realised today that I never really dealt with the loss of my Dad to AD for the whole 7 years he was ill
The practical and emotional demands being made on us as a family (he lived with my mother and brother and us other 4 siblings took turns giving respite) were so overwhelming that I felt I missed Dad and yet couldnt think about it too much as I was dealing with the nightmare of the reality of living day to day with Alzheimer's
To start thinking about how I felt and the sense of loss and anger was too much
I remember I came across a lot of his books in the house while I was searching for something to read and there were his gardening books, birdwatching books, history, golfing books, and I was suddenly aware that I wanted to ask my Dad 'where are you? Where did you go?'
yet he was sitting downstairs
I missed him in that moment so deeply for the first time since he was diagnosed - this was about 4 years into his illness - the feeling shocked me - it was so powerful and a total suprise
I quickly put the books back and went downstairs - I couldnt handle how strong the feelings were and we had to get him fed and changed - stop him touching things, setting fire to things - the usual- crying was a luxury we didnt have so I buried it all
Now I'm starting to deal with my anger and horror at what happened to him and how humiliating and cruel it all was for him and the trauma for my Mam and all of us - on and on it seemed to go - day after nightmarish impossible day - most of the time all youre doing is enduring it all - and thats on good days
On top of this is the fact that he has died and gone and isnt coming back
If the world had been a fair place I would have loved a period where he came back after we had paid our dues to Alzheimer's and given the universe all the suffering it was determined to wring out of all of us as a family but mostly poor Dad
A period of good health and sound mindbefore then dying of cancer is what he deserved
But this crappy world doesnt work like that does it
I realised today that I never really dealt with the loss of my Dad to AD for the whole 7 years he was ill
The practical and emotional demands being made on us as a family (he lived with my mother and brother and us other 4 siblings took turns giving respite) were so overwhelming that I felt I missed Dad and yet couldnt think about it too much as I was dealing with the nightmare of the reality of living day to day with Alzheimer's
To start thinking about how I felt and the sense of loss and anger was too much
I remember I came across a lot of his books in the house while I was searching for something to read and there were his gardening books, birdwatching books, history, golfing books, and I was suddenly aware that I wanted to ask my Dad 'where are you? Where did you go?'
yet he was sitting downstairs
I missed him in that moment so deeply for the first time since he was diagnosed - this was about 4 years into his illness - the feeling shocked me - it was so powerful and a total suprise
I quickly put the books back and went downstairs - I couldnt handle how strong the feelings were and we had to get him fed and changed - stop him touching things, setting fire to things - the usual- crying was a luxury we didnt have so I buried it all
Now I'm starting to deal with my anger and horror at what happened to him and how humiliating and cruel it all was for him and the trauma for my Mam and all of us - on and on it seemed to go - day after nightmarish impossible day - most of the time all youre doing is enduring it all - and thats on good days
On top of this is the fact that he has died and gone and isnt coming back
If the world had been a fair place I would have loved a period where he came back after we had paid our dues to Alzheimer's and given the universe all the suffering it was determined to wring out of all of us as a family but mostly poor Dad
A period of good health and sound mindbefore then dying of cancer is what he deserved
But this crappy world doesnt work like that does it
