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A Backlog of Grief

graham

Registered User
Apr 23, 2007
15
London
I'm off work today so I have let myself think about Dad and cry

I realised today that I never really dealt with the loss of my Dad to AD for the whole 7 years he was ill

The practical and emotional demands being made on us as a family (he lived with my mother and brother and us other 4 siblings took turns giving respite) were so overwhelming that I felt I missed Dad and yet couldnt think about it too much as I was dealing with the nightmare of the reality of living day to day with Alzheimer's

To start thinking about how I felt and the sense of loss and anger was too much

I remember I came across a lot of his books in the house while I was searching for something to read and there were his gardening books, birdwatching books, history, golfing books, and I was suddenly aware that I wanted to ask my Dad 'where are you? Where did you go?'

yet he was sitting downstairs

I missed him in that moment so deeply for the first time since he was diagnosed - this was about 4 years into his illness - the feeling shocked me - it was so powerful and a total suprise

I quickly put the books back and went downstairs - I couldnt handle how strong the feelings were and we had to get him fed and changed - stop him touching things, setting fire to things - the usual- crying was a luxury we didnt have so I buried it all

Now I'm starting to deal with my anger and horror at what happened to him and how humiliating and cruel it all was for him and the trauma for my Mam and all of us - on and on it seemed to go - day after nightmarish impossible day - most of the time all youre doing is enduring it all - and thats on good days

On top of this is the fact that he has died and gone and isnt coming back

If the world had been a fair place I would have loved a period where he came back after we had paid our dues to Alzheimer's and given the universe all the suffering it was determined to wring out of all of us as a family but mostly poor Dad

A period of good health and sound mindbefore then dying of cancer is what he deserved

But this crappy world doesnt work like that does it
 

Skye

Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
17,000
SW Scotland
Dear Graham

I don't want you to think I'm patronising, but I'm so impressed with the way you're working through your grief. This day off has given you chance to rationalise your feelings, and you've done it so well.

I agree, it would have been lovely to have your old dad back for a while before the cancer took him. It was so unfair for him to have that on top of AD.

It must be so hard for you to come to terms with, but you're getting there.

Have you kept your dad's books?

Love,
 

graham

Registered User
Apr 23, 2007
15
London
My Parents moved in December to a house with an annexe with my sister so they were nearer all of us and I'm assuming his books are in boxes somewhere

Just when we finally got him in a situation where we could see him more regularly and actually start living and giving Mam real ongoing support he was doagnosed with cancer and died 4 months after moving in

Reading the difficulties people have had putting their loved ones into nursing care and all the trauma that involves we were so lucky to keep him at home the entire 7 years - but at a tremendous cost to all of us - but especially my Mam & brother

I feel so angry and hurt by it all

None of us deserved all the horrible things that happened least of all Dad

I guess for my own sake I'll have to find a way to forgive the world for being such a cruel crummy place
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
70,658
Kent
It`s strange how we cope while we need to. I am a Migraine, and was an eczema sufferer.

I cared for my mother for 4 years in her own home, and 6 years in a NH. When she died, the eczema retuned. I hadn`t had it since I was in my 20`s.

Since my husband has been ill, I`ve had more stress than ever in my life, but not one migraine.

Graham, you bore the stress while your dad was ill and now you can let go.

Take care
 

asaltydog

Registered User
Jun 22, 2005
22
N Wales
Dear Graham

there are no words I can write to make you feel better

Mum died in February; she'd had AD for about 8 years

I have all her clothes to give away of course, but I can remember her
wearing this & that, so all the clothes are still in charity bags in her room

And mum is either in heaven,or has just gone to sleep forever.

Derek
 

Lila13

Registered User
Feb 24, 2006
1,342
I think my brother was jealous of me wearing her clothes, he wanted some but they didn't fit him, I offered some for his wife and daughter but they didn't want them.

Lila