92yr old forgetful Mum needs daily help but refuses to discuss

[Serendipity21]

Hello everyone, I'm sure this must be a common problem so hopefully I can get some guidance here.
My Mum is 92 and has lived alone since Dad died 9 years ago. She never goes out, and has no friends. She is becoming very forgetful and currently can't turn on the tv successfully - this is her only form of entertainment, she won't read the paper (although she can read well enough), or listen to the radio etc.
She just sits and sleeps, or sits and stares. After a lot of discussion we managed to get her to agree to a cleaner going in once a week, and to Meals On Wheels who bring her lunch 6 days a week plus an online supermarket delivery when required.
She will not see her GP, and has flatly refused to have a carer-type-person pop in once a day to check on her. My sister and I are both an hours drive away so we can't 'pop in'.
(When my father was very ill and finally came out of hospital they had no choice but to allow us to employ live-in carers for 10 months until he died because Mum was too frail to look after him, and they hated every moment of it which I'm sure is what has made her so 'anti-help').
My sister and I see her every week separately and my daughter visits her.
She has very little conversation and no interests at all - will not even come out for a ride in the car, nothing.
Obviously things are going to get worse rather than better.
How do you help someone who needs it, but refuses? Even discussing it distresses her and if she has to deal with a stranger on any level this distresses her even more.
Obviously she has the right to live this way if she wishes to, but we worry so much about her - she says we're stupid to worry...
She has had no mental ability test from her GP (I know she would refuse to have one) and ignores phone calls from the surgery saying she is due a blood test, etc.
Any advice would be welcome.
Thanks.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Serendipity21 and welcome to Dementia Talking Point.

My dad agreed to a cleaner once a week so what I did was increase this gradually, first twice a week then every other day then every day and dad never questioned it even when I arranged for carers to go in using the same technique. This was done over a period of 18 months as his needs increased. Would this work with your mum?

Dad’s memory was so bad that, even though he seemed to recognise the people, he never remembered when they’d last visited.

 

[Bezza]

Hi Serendipity2,
hope you don't mind me joining in , is there a good neighbour that your mum trusts and will allow in. I also care for my MIL and a friends mum we get on really well, She had not seen me much before but I used to go in on an evening and would sit and have a cuppa and a chat, then once she was ready to go to bed, I would just tell her that if she needed anything just to shout . sometimes she would wake up during the night and I would gently appear and ask if she needed anything even if it was just a cuppa, this lady had just lost her husband. I just let her tell me what she wanted me to know and eventually we became friends that talk about all sorts, she surprises me sometimes with some of the info . Again I always told her what we talked about stayed on night but if I thought it was more of a care issue that I would have to tell her family ,
I dont know if this is a possibility for you but maybe a thought

bezza

 

[DreamsAreReal]

I was in the same position as you until recently. I think you’ve done very well to get a cleaner and meals on wheels going in! More than I ever achieved.

Mine wouldn’t accept anybody but me. However there was incident where the police were involved and they contacted Social Services. The Social Worker arranged for a carer once a day, which is better than before, but still not really enough. I have to balance her happiness (being alone and doing as she pleases) with her safety. You might find you won’t be able to get carers in unless there’s a crisis/fall/illness or whatever. I’m not certain what the legal position is but I don’t think Social Services will intervene unless she agrees or there’s a safeguarding issue. If I’m wrong I hope someone will correct me.

Its not easy. The only other thing you can do is learn not to worry about things so much. Especially things that aren’t in your control. Sounds flippant but I had to do this for my own sanity. I had cbt.

 

[Violet Jane]

As others have said in other threads, a social worker can have more authority with a resistant PWD than a family member and it's even better if the advice comes from a doctor, preferably a hospital doctor. My mother told the consultant that I was exaggerating her memory problems but meekly agreed to have carers in when he advised it.

If your mother goes to hospital then a hospital social worker will assess her before she is discharged. If s/he feels that your mother requires a care package then s/he will try very hard to persuade her to have one. But you will need to be very firm and clear with both the social and your mother about what you will and will not do. If you waver or give vague reassurances about stepping in then the social worker will not persist.

 

[silkiest]

Hi @Serendipity21, we found that a similar approach to bunpoots worked. We started with cleaner weekly , then carers who clean daily, increasing to twice daily visits. MIL's short term memory was poor, she didn't recognise that the staff had changed but she had got used to someone coming in so didn't make too much of a fuss. It helped that the social worker assessed her as not having capacity re taking her medication so we could insist someone had to help her.
We are starting over again with mum, she really needs twice daily visits, but to let her have some control we are starting with daily medication visits and an understanding with the agency that they will notify me if bedtime medications are missed so the visits can be increased to twice daily as soon as the visits are "her new normal"
The admiral nurse constantly advises us to persevere with any changes as they will slowly become the normal state of affairs for our loved ones.

 

[DesperateofDevon]

It’s heartbreaking when you see your loved one struggling & not accepting that help is needed.
Contact Age Concern , as they have volunteers that befriend . It worked with my Mum & Dad.
is your Mum religious ? Local church have befrienders & the vicar used to visit once a fortnight .
raise concerns with your Mums GP , I suggest a letter . Duty of care lies firstly with the GP .
please let us know how you get on
x