• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

8 weeks on and struggling

Mum mo

Registered User
Jan 1, 2019
28
0
My husband pssed 8weeks ago at home after a gruelling 5 weeks. Now 8wks on and I'm feeling worse than ever. There was so much to do then it didn't really sink in. I have great family but I won't burden them too much. I'm crying alot of the time and all I can think about are the times when I snapped at him I feel so guilty. I miss him so much it hurts. Please tell me this will pass
 

Snuffette

Registered User
Jan 11, 2021
135
0
I ma so very sorry for your loss - at some point it will pass, but you are going through the grief process which is so very hard - sending love xx
 

Little moth

Registered User
Jul 18, 2014
187
0
I'm so sorry @Mum mo , it really is a very painful time. I was crying at the drop of hat, anywhere and with anybody, the tears wouldn't stop. It is now nearly 4 months and the crying has eased a lot. Most people have been very kind and I didn't want to embarrass anyone.
My doctor advised me to get in touch with Cruse, which I did. There is a waiting list but I now have a phone apt on Monday. Already I can see that I am coping better even with days that are incredibly sad. Talking point is a godsend. X
 

Duggies-girl

Registered User
Sep 6, 2017
3,346
0
My husband pssed 8weeks ago at home after a gruelling 5 weeks. Now 8wks on and I'm feeling worse than ever. There was so much to do then it didn't really sink in. I have great family but I won't burden them too much. I'm crying alot of the time and all I can think about are the times when I snapped at him I feel so guilty. I miss him so much it hurts. Please tell me this will pass
8 weeks is a very short time to grieve and everyone is different and I think we all suffer from guilt even though we shouldn't, it's just part of the grieving process. Go easy on yourself, you have been through an awful time and it will just take even more time. but eventually you will be able to focus more on the good times rather than the bad.
 

update2020

Registered User
Jan 2, 2020
275
0
I’m about 8 months on and things are a lot better than 8 weeks. But I still get caught out sometimes and often at very unexpected moments. Like yesterday when I was stuck in traffic leaving Newcastle and it suddenly reminded me of lots of times we had been stuck like that before, but with him driving. It’s normal and it will get better just trust your gut instinct and do whatever feels right to you. There are no expectations. ❤️❤️
 

duchess55

Registered User
Sep 1, 2021
126
0
My husband pssed 8weeks ago at home after a gruelling 5 weeks. Now 8wks on and I'm feeling worse than ever. There was so much to do then it didn't really sink in. I have great family but I won't burden them too much. I'm crying alot of the time and all I can think about are the times when I snapped at him I feel so guilty. I miss him so much it hurts. Please tell me this will pass
My husband pssed 8weeks ago at home after a gruelling 5 weeks. Now 8wks on and I'm feeling worse than ever. There was so much to do then it didn't really sink in. I have great family but I won't burden them too much. I'm crying alot of the time and all I can think about are the times when I snapped at him I feel so guilty. I miss him so much it hurts. Please tell me this will pass
My husband passed 13 weeks ago and I am still struggling.

Yes, I too think of the times I snapped at him an constantly think back to the day he died and was I nice that him.

My family are brilliant but I don’t want to keep burdening them either.

My doctor put me on a low dose of antidepressant 4 weeks ago, I just couldn’t go on feeling like I did. It is just starting to kick in and help me. Have you seen your doctor.

Pekoe tell me t will pass, it takes time.

I so understand what you are saying. Take care.x
 

Mr.A

Registered User
Jun 5, 2021
57
0
I am barely 4 weeks into my bereavement and still feel rather numb. I keep wondering if I will feel this way in weeks and months to come. I feel that I probably will. To be without a partner of 60 years is hard to take. I thought how long do I wait before I try to reassemble my life and gain some sort of normality. I came to the conclusion that I could not continue sitting thinking like this just increasing my depression and wearing myself down in the process. so I have started visiting the cafe she loved and met up with the staff who are still there and the people we had met and become friendly with. This is helping considerably and so far as I am concerned better than any anti-depressants. My need is for people not pills. They have feelings and kind thoughts which they can share in a meaningful way to lift my spirits. I will never forget my dear wife and will no doubt continue to shed tears but at least I can do this while I try to overcome my grief and get some semblance back into my life. I am feeling your sadness and empathise with you. Let us all in these circumstances rally round and perhaps find a new purpose in life which will go to help others in this predicament.
 

duchess55

Registered User
Sep 1, 2021
126
0
I am barely 4 weeks into my bereavement and still feel rather numb. I keep wondering if I will feel this way in weeks and months to come. I feel that I probably will. To be without a partner of 60 years is hard to take. I thought how long do I wait before I try to reassemble my life and gain some sort of normality. I came to the conclusion that I could not continue sitting thinking like this just increasing my depression and wearing myself down in the process. so I have started visiting the cafe she loved and met up with the staff who are still there and the people we had met and become friendly with. This is helping considerably and so far as I am concerned better than any anti-depressants. My need is for people not pills. They have feelings and kind thoughts which they can share in a meaningful way to lift my spirits. I will never forget my dear wife and will no doubt continue to shed tears but at least I can do this while I try to overcome my grief and get some semblance back into my life. I am feeling your sadness and empathise with you. Let us all in these circumstances rally round and perhaps find a new purpose in life which will go to help others in this predicament.
Four weeks is still very early.. you are doing all the right things.

We belonged to a gym where we would swim 2 or 3 times a week. I resumed going about 6 weeks ago and chat with some lovely people and know a couple of people who are also widowed.

I started the anti depressants to try and help me get over the last year before my husband died. That time was horrendous and brought me to my knees many times. I am hoping eventually I will only remember the good times we had in our 43 years together.
 

Roman223

Registered User
Dec 29, 2020
261
0
I am barely 4 weeks into my bereavement and still feel rather numb. I keep wondering if I will feel this way in weeks and months to come. I feel that I probably will. To be without a partner of 60 years is hard to take. I thought how long do I wait before I try to reassemble my life and gain some sort of normality. I came to the conclusion that I could not continue sitting thinking like this just increasing my depression and wearing myself down in the process. so I have started visiting the cafe she loved and met up with the staff who are still there and the people we had met and become friendly with. This is helping considerably and so far as I am concerned better than any anti-depressants. My need is for people not pills. They have feelings and kind thoughts which they can share in a meaningful way to lift my spirits. I will never forget my dear wife and will no doubt continue to shed tears but at least I can do this while I try to overcome my grief and get some semblance back into my life. I am feeling your sadness and empathise with you. Let us all in these circumstances rally round and perhaps find a new purpose in life which will go to help others in this predicament.
I agree totally with you Mr A: my mum is EOL and in hospital. I think talking lots and lots to different people is the key. I do miss not having anyone close be it friends or even at home! When speaking to a doctor this week I asked if there was any support for me but her reply was to speak to my GP. Of which I don't really want to go down that path. The only thing they are really good at doing is prescribing tablets. Anti depressants for this and that. That will only mask the problem. I can't imagine the pain you must be suffering of not having your wife of so many years. Take care of yourself.
 

Mr.A

Registered User
Jun 5, 2021
57
0
,I think I just proved my point tonight. I had been out for a coffee this afternoon and chatted briefly with the staff. This helped me but tonight my neighbour across the road returned home from shopping. I purposely went out and called to her as she unloaded her shopping. Incidentally I rarely see her because she is at work all day. I made an excuse to discuss the gardens. I had not spoken to her since my wife's funeral which she had attended and I think people are just as reluctant to approach you as you are to approach them, just fearing what the reaction might be and possible embarrassment in the circumstances that prevail. We had a long interesting chat about various things in a relaxed way and of course she asked how I was getting along. And then she said "You seem to be quite perky". How that lifted my spirits. I explained that that was not always the case but I am trying to keep my head above water and that talking to people is the greatest tonic. She agreed that this is probably the best thing to do. I said and understand that this is not going to go away and is something that I must live with and only by doing as I am, am I going to encourage people to befriend me and talk to me without being afraid of upsetting me.
 

Whisperer

Registered User
Mar 27, 2017
320
0
Southern England
Dear @Mum mo

I am now a lurker on this site. My caring role for mum ended nearly 18 months ago after six years of Dementia. I only comment now where I see emotional pain and hope that I might help. Please accept my comments are meant kindly, trying to help a fellow excarer.

Let me start with a key phrase someone else gave to me. Always remember you were part of the solution not the problem. You may have snapped at your beloved at times but remember all the good you did. You were his rock.

Grief is a very individual experience but guilt is a common feeling. There is no need to hold onto it. You loved your husband and cared for him the best you could. There is no training course for carers, we all learned from experience often gained the hard way. Please accept that you did your best in very difficult circumstances. Regret is part of being alive but please keep it a small part.

Eight weeks is a short time period on the grief path. Give yourself time. Try and eat and sleep as best you can. Crying is very natural. Reach out to your family who will think all is well if they are unaware of your true feelings.

My advice is not to try and get over your grief, move on, grab at life, etc, all the things people say who have never experienced real grief yet in their life. The best I can say is that overtime you will find

1) You can start to remember your loved one with sadness but also with love and joy. The pain gets a little less.
2) Having spoken to a grief counsellor, attended an ex carers group, etc, I think overtime we do not get over grief but we become better at incorporating it into our life. I still get bad days where grief hits me as hard as day one, but now I can talk to myself better. I remember mum would want me to be happy not sad, I count my blessings I had a great mum, when the chips were down I got her through the worst of Dementia, etc. I cuddle her old teddy bear and speak her words to him when she got into bed each night “are you ready for a cuddle crawfie because I am”. I find doing so helps me relate to mum.
3) Start a journal remembering things you did with your husband before Dementia. Holidays, birthdays, trips out, funny events. On sad days reach for it and read through them. Remember the love and fun you had together. Slowly pain will be joined by happier thoughts. Worked for me for what that is worth.

My very best wishes for the future. Please keep posting here when you feel the need.