75 yr old alzheimer's refusing help from social services

[Lizzie5]

Hi , this is the first time have asked a question.
My mum is 75 and has had Alzhiemers for about 4years. My dad is her main carer. He asked social services for help. A social worker was sent to explain what help could be offered. this was 3 weeks ago. Yesterday the social worker came to see them again at my dads request as he was now ready to receive help. The social worker explained what she would organise for them, but then asked my Mum if that was ok and she said NO! So now there is no help from social services, even though my dad would like help, and we are back to square one. Is that allowed considering she is suffering with mental instability and the help from social services would highly benefit both her and my dad.

My Dad is 78 years old and although my brother and I help him, he is at breaking point. We are all tearing our hair out. She wears the same clothes for days on end , bathing is of course an issue, He's admitted to us that mum has hit him twice on seperate occasions. She is on Arasept too .

Her behaviour is the opposite of how she was before the disease and on a good day we deal with a 10 year old and on a bad day shes 5 year old.

Has anyone got any advice or ideas on how I can deal with our situation?

 

[Shedrech]

Hi Lizzie5
I'm sighing! you were so close to getting the support your dad needs
I do wish social workers could be trained by carers who know that a blunt question always receives a NO! - and why wouldn't it? as far as your mum is concerned she's not in need of any help as she does everything and her husband can help her with stuff she can't do!! Oh my
sadly, yes, the professionals cannot force someone to go against their own wishes
I'd go back to SS and explain that your mum needs the support as your dad is close to carer breakdown - and so they are BOTH 'vulnerable adults' 'at risk' and SS have 'a duty of care' (the words in '' are key phrases to use) - point out that if anything happens to your dad and he ends up in hospital, SS will have no option but to provide full support - and tell them that your dad has already faced violence from your mum so is under extreme pressure
make it really clear that you and your brother cannot and will not take on full time care, in fact you are struggling to keep up the support you already give and may have to step back - maybe also ask the SW to put the question to your mum in a different way (is there something that your mum would say yes to?)
ask for a carer's assessment for your dad - he himself may then also be entitled to support eg a sitter, some respite time, maybe a day care placement for your mum ...
if your mum will be self-funding (because she has income and savings to a certain level) then you can go ahead and organise home care visits yourselves - harder if the LA will be funding
I am really concerned that your mum has hit your dad twice - please get him to talk to his GP and to hers - there may be meds that she could take to help - and make sure he has somewhere safe to go, a room where he can lock the door and call for help for them both - don't be worried about involving the police as if they are called out they will record the incident and it can be that they are the ones who can get SS to act, so they can be your allies
sorry to have gone on a bit
best wishes to you all

 

[fizzie]

Hi Lizzie
I agree - go back to Social Services and tell them that your Mum isn't able to make that decision and that some days it would be 'yes' and some days 'no' just because she can't do it because of her disease. Tell social services that if they don't put in the help that was agreed initially your dad will end up on hospital and then your mum will be in crisis and don't give up just go on and on and on!!!

 

[Onlyme]

If the question was phrased differently he answer would be yes. Years ago people had home helps so why not ask your mum very kindly if she didn't mind teaching this new help how to do things. Men don't know so your Dad can't help, only her and she would be doing them such a favour.

Obviously it would be free