• Expert Q&A: Rare dementias - Tues 3 March, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of rare dementias. It will be hosted by Nikki and Seb from Rare Dementia Support. If you have any questions about rare dementias, they will be here to answer them on Tuesday 3 March between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

6 weeks and 88 years

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,942
North East England
It's six weeks today, already, since Mum died and it's her 88th Birthday. No cards, flowers or chocolates for her. I never thought I'd miss talking rubbish, but I do. I miss going round to see her and talking the sort of gibberish that makes sense to those of us affected by Dementia.
It was my birthday yesterday, and I couldn't tell her about my cards or the flowers I got, but on the other hand I didn't have to buy my own card from her ( or write it for her), or fib to her and tell her that she'd bought me a present.

This is one of those "firsts" that isn't going to get easier...my birthday will always be the 2nd April and her's the 3rd.....unless I have an official one like the Queen;):confused:
 

lin1

Registered User
Jan 14, 2010
9,320
East Kent
Sending you a big ((((((HUG))))))
The Anniversaries especially the first ones are so very hard
 

Shedrech

Volunteer Moderator
Dec 15, 2012
8,529
Yorkshire
I feel for you Cragmaid. Such early days for you.
Dates do carry significance and it's impossible to 'control' our reactions to them.
My mum died 9 years ago on the 2nd April, and no matter how much I want to celebrate her life on that day, I feel the grief. Her birthday is the 27th April so I try to make that a celebratory day as it always was - buy myself a treat from her and visit her grave to have a chat - mind you I chat to her 'in the air' if I want to share something.
This year dad had the assessment to enter the care home chosen, on the 2nd (gosh is it only yesterday) and as he doesn't remember the significance of that date and hardly talks about mum, I carried both sadnesses silently.
But we had a lovely walk in the local park and he was in good spirits - enjoying the birdsong, the blossoms and the children passing by - so there are blessings in the heartbreak.
Such is life
 

LYN T

Registered User
Aug 30, 2012
6,962
Brixham Devon
Maureen, it's hard when these anniversaries arrive after someone you love has passed. So far I've gone through Christmas, New Year and my Birthday. Each day was sad but I tried (not very well) to focus on those particular occasions when times were good. I live in hope that I will be more successful next year!

I know what you mean when you say that you even miss the gibberish. What I would give for the opportunity to hug Pete again and tell him I love him-even if he didn't know me or understand what I was saying. A selfish thought as I know Pete had no quality of life left-and hadn't for such a long time.

So, we soldier on- what else can we do? We mark these special occasions with a false smile on our faces -mainly to stop others worrying about us- but inside the pain and sorrow are eating away at our very being.

It takes time, or so I'm told, for the intense sorrow to disappear and something more manageable to take it's place. I hope so.

Take care of yourself


Love as always.

Lyn T XX
 

WIFE

Registered User
May 23, 2014
856
WEST SUSSEX
Maureen - I still find after twelve weeks that every day is still an anniversary and memory of something associated with my husband and like you I miss the weird conversations we had - me usually agreeing with everything he said as it was easier on the nervous system. The first real anniversary was his birthday a few weeks ago and I remembered all the parties and special surprises I arranged for him through the years. Sad to say not one member of his family or any of his so called friends remembered the date! I found that even sadder. I understand your sadness about your own birthday - for the last five years my Husband could not get his mind around the fact that I too had a birthday each year. Dementia does very strange things to the mind - doesn't it? Loving thoughts WIFE
 

Quilty

Registered User
Aug 28, 2014
1,051
GLASGOW
Sending you a hug Maureen. I lost my Dad almost 20 years ago and still have yearnings for him some days. He died of cancer and it was hard at the end. All i can say is that over time the bad memories go to the back and the good ones take their place. I hope you can remember your mum with a laugh or smile soon. Love quilty.