1. Expert Q&A: Benefits - Weds 23 October, 3-4pm

    Our next expert Q&A will be on the topic of benefits. It will be hosted by Lauren from our Knowledge Services team. She'll be answering your questions on Wednesday 23 October between 3-4pm.

    You can either post your question >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll be happy to ask them on your behalf.

  1. debby13

    debby13 Registered User

    Oct 15, 2007
    41
    Hi to you all

    Well I have been off air for a while now, Dad died just before Christmas and I think we all did remarkably well. The grief seems harder now to cope with, I think I feel weaker and less able to push it away. I lie awake at night and think of him and what a wonderful Dad he was, I can see him, hear him and feel his cuddles. I can't sleep for the longing to have him back and its like I am going through a backlog of memories. This is also combined with a feeling of shock still...I know its stupid but I just can't believe he's gone. It feels so unfair not to have him...that he will never know my children. Ultimately I just miss him so much and we are all finding it difficult to know what our roles are now. Is this how it is grief?...I just don't know. I can't concentrate and everything stresses me out I just don't feel me.

    I know other people have worse things in their lives and I really want to shake myself out of this feeling sorry for everything mood that I am in. Any top tips gratefully received.

    xxDebby13
     
  2. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    Hello Debby13

    I am so sorry that you have lost your dad. Christmas is just a short while ago so it's no wonder that you are struggling with pain and loss of him. I think it's perfectly natural that you are where you are and there isn't a rule book which says how long grief is supposed to take. Just take as long as you need.
    I tend to think of it in terms of investment. Just think how much of yourself you have invested in your dad, and him in you. Now he's not here you are still investing your thoughts and feelings towards him which is natural don't you think. It will take time before you finding yourself re-investing your thoughts and feelings and it'll probably happen without you even realising!! :)

    Love to you Debbie

    Helen
     
  3. Megan

    Megan Registered User

    Sep 10, 2005
    16
    Hampshire
    I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your dad. I haven't posted on here for quite some time as my husband went into a nursing home in October, quite some way from our home and we were only able to visit him on a Saturday. He was at the stage of still recognising us, but not always getting our names right, could still play football in the grounds and a good game of pool. Then quite suddenly four weeks ago on Easter Monday I had a phone call early in the morning to say he had died quite unexpectedly. I have still obviously not got over the shock of this, he was only 58, we have two grown up children and a young daughter of 11. I feel as you do, I can't cope with anything but ordinary day to day things, I've just had to get someone in to fix a leaking radiator and it's made my head spin, something I could normally get sorted without a problem. I can't sleep properly either, thinking of Colin, the memories are so vivid and mostly of when he was well, not as he was recently. I'm sure in time things will get better, but for now they're really hard, so I can symathise totally with how you feel. I still can't believe this happened, just totally overcome with it all.:(
     
  4. Mameeskye

    Mameeskye Registered User

    Aug 9, 2007
    1,669
    NZ
    Hi Debby and Megan

    ((((((((hugs)))))))))

    When I lost my father to cancer 10 years ago I remember that the grief was white hot and painful immediately after the death. Then I became able to function but after a few months everything lost meaning and I still vividly remeber one afternoon at work sitting crying at something trivial and just feeling so so tired. My boss spent a couple of hours just talking to me about nothing thereafter.

    It was suddenly as if it had become real and there was nothing left, time slowed down and I missed him as I had not done before. This continued for many many months.

    I am now mourning my Mum who died 2 1./2 weeks ago and this time it is so very very different for me, although I so recognise your comments Debby about his never knowing your children as this is what ate at me in the early days after Mum's diagnosis, that my children would never know my Mum or my Dad.

    I am frightened of what the next few weeks bring given my previous experience, but this time I am also aware of a sense of peace and acceptance that I did not feel when Dad died.

    All that gives me hope is knowing that the passage of time makes it less painful, that although grief will suddenly spring out at me in the future there will be laughter and happiness again, eventhough just now feels like a calm still deep well of sadness that it with me constantly.

    My thoughst are with you as you take this painful journey too.

    Love

    mameeskye
     
  5. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Dear Debby

    I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. Of course you're still grieving, and will be for a long time yet. It's no time at all since Christmas.

    The thing about grief is, no-one knows how it is, until it hits them. And it's different for everyone. One day you can be feeling OK, and think you're getting over it, then one small thing reminds you, and tips you over the edge again.

    Just remember that there is no right way to grieve. You just have to go with the flow. If you feel OK today, fine, get some work done, clean the house, take some exercise. If you feel like curling up in a ball and crying, then that's what to do.

    It will get easier, though the grief will never leave you completely. Just be kind to yourself, and come and talk to us here any time. We're still here for you.

    Love,
     
  6. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    #6 Skye, Apr 22, 2008
    Last edited: Apr 22, 2008
    Dear Megan

    My heart goes out to you. Colin was so young. I'm not surprised you can't believe it, it's going to take a long time for you to come to terms with what has happened.

    I know that feeling of disbelief, I had it when my daughter died. It's a state of total shock, you can't begin to grieve properly, you can't do anything, because suddenly the whole world is upside down and nothing is real.

    Megan, I have such sympathy for you. All you can do is get through this awful time. Having to care for your young daughter might help -- or it might make everything even harder. I don't know.

    Please come back and talk to us, we'll try to support you.

    Lots of love and hugs,
     
  7. connie

    connie Registered User

    Mar 7, 2004
    9,519
    Frinton-on-Sea
    Dear Debby, stop being so hard on yourself. Give yourself time.

    Some days will be better than others and you will feel more able to cope, but it helps to accecpt the reverse. One day at a time.

    Dear Megan

    What can I say to you, at this time.

    To be widowed in this way, after such an illness as Colin had, and at such a very young age.......well my heart goes out to you.

    Be kind to yourself, and don't expect too much. Try not to worry if you get upset at the little things, you will come through this. My thoughts are with you and the children. God bless.
     
  8. helen.tomlinson

    helen.tomlinson Registered User

    Mar 27, 2008
    541
    I think one of the important factors in being able to overcome loss is being able to talk about it for as long as is needed. There often isn't a place in society that allows enough time for loss to be overcome adequately. Our place of work wants us back functioning as soon as possible, our children need us to be there for them, our friends and loved ones want us to be back to our usual selves etc. etc. We discover really quickly that "life goes on" and is going on around us but we are not able to participate in life like we did. Talking can help and I'm discovering that Talking Point offers us all an invaluable service in helping to deal with our loss by facilitating a place to keep on talking.

    Love to you all

    Helen
     
  9. debby13

    debby13 Registered User

    Oct 15, 2007
    41
    Dear all

    What wonderful people you all are, I am so touched that people have spent so much time to write such lovely thoughtful words. It means a huge amount I can tell you and I appreciate your kindness very much.

    Megan I am so sorry when I read your note I thought how wonderfully strong you sounded ...despite what you say! I can only imagine to lose someone so young and without warning seems so unfair. You have my deepest sympathies and thank you for taking the time to post here.

    Thank you all...having a better day to day slept ok last night and trying by hardest to be positive. It is so true though that a work everyone expects you to be fine and no one mentions it...kind of wish they did actually as I do want to talk about it but when you do say something everyone just says nothing. Hope I can be of better support to people if happens to them!


    Love to you all

    xxxx
     
  10. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Debby, it's true, people do avoid the subject. I think they don't want to upset you, and partly they are afraid they wouldn't be able to handle it if you were upset.

    But I know how you feel, you desperately want to talk, and no-one will let you.

    But here on TP we understand how you feel, and you can talk to us as much as you like.

    I'm glad you're feeling a bit better today.

    Love,
     
  11. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Debby,

    I am sorry to hear about your dad's passing. I can relate to your quote as I buried my dad 3 weeks ago and feel the same I struggle with believing even though I know it's true.

    As others have wisely said, one day at a time and go with the flow the main problem I seem to have is not concentrating properly the other day I was emptying the boiling water from the iron down the sink and put my arm under the water to turn the tap on, there was no need for the tap to be turned on at all and I burnt my arm. My brain seems to be in neutral and I can't get it into gear.

    This should be about you and I hope that times become kinder .

    Take care, best wishes love Taffy.
     
  12. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Megan,

    I am sorry to hear of your loss Colin was so young. I feel for you dealing with this sudden unexpected passing. I hope that in time your pain eases.

    Best Wishes to you and your family.

    Love Taffy.
     

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