3am

[JoC]

Well it's 3am and i am awake - wonderful! I have already wrote a posting but in my weariness lost it - probably for the best! It was all dark and dismal! I guess i got things off my chest still.
I have suffered with bouts of insomnia since i was 16, so it's kind of something i'm used to dealing wth - like most people who have felt the affects of AD i would guess!
I'm feeling down at the minute - i tend to be thought of as the strong one in the family, mainly because i keep my feelings to myself. i'm very internal when it comes to my emotions and people take that as me not having any. i don't cry often and if i do it's not for long. i can totally understand why others think that i'm fine, but inside i'm in turmoil.
i try to talk to others but it's like the words won't come out and i worry that others will feel upset by what i have to say.
I'm really close to my sister, but sometimes i'm so jealous of her - and not for the things that you'd imagine. But because she is free enough to speak her mind, tell people how she feels. and i know that it's not her fault that i'm like this.
I get so angry with myself - if i feel down i'll pretend i'm fine and just lock myself in the bathroom for 10 minutes while i cry. nobody even knows!
it's pathetic really, but i think i have done it for so long now that i don't know any other way of dealing with it. I just worry that at some point i'm going to explode and have a breakdown or something, but how can i do anything about it when i can't tell someone face to face how i feel?
Anyway, that's enough for now - it's took me an hour to write this and i apologise for any spelling mistakes and such like but i'm tired and fed up - sorry!

JoC

 

[Brucie]

Hello Jo,

I know just how you feel as I was in the same situation ages ago.

I was never one to share feelings and concerns, except to my wife, and she was the one with dementia, so I lost my only safety valve.

Can't you find just one friend who you can open up to? Failing that, your doctor? [that's what happened with me - I soldiered on until I became ill and then let it all out to my doctor].

If you can't find somebody - yet [there WILL be someone at some stage] - then let all your feelings out writing a computer [or paper] diary. I did that successfully and still keep it up. It is a very therapeutic way to dump out feelings.

Don't be concerned about crying; it is one of the most basic ways the body uses to relieve stress. While you may not be able to consciously tell all your woes, your body is making sure that you don't keep evrything pent up inside you.

If you have the opportunity, tell your sister. You are close and she would be mortified to think you were holding all this inside you.

Don't worry about upsetting others! Your situation is one where you will quickly find out who your true friends are. It is what friends are for, to be there in time of need, not just to have fun with. If they can't recognise and respond to your pain, then dump them.

Above all, post your worries and concerns here on TP where we all know what you are going through.

Finally, take care of yourself!

 

[JoC]

Thankyou for your advice it's nice to know that there is someone out there.
I just feel so alone sometimes.
I'm not sure what people see on the outside, but inside my head i'm screaming for someone to hear me. I feel stupid because i know i don't help myself. I should talk, i should see the doctor, i should tell my family - it's all my own fault.
It's like i've spend so long keeping quiet, holding it in that i have forgotten how to communicate - especially those closest to me. i'm not even sure why it scares me so much to say the words out loud, it's just what i'm used to i guess.
It's the way my family is - we don't discuss things that are potentially problematic. Needless to say, being the least confrontational person in the family i am now the worst one for it.
I just don't know what to about it anymore. I will try writing a journal and i will keep posting, but i know right now that i can't physically speak the feelings i have.
I am just grateful that there is a place i can speak freely, without worrying too much about the consequences of what i'm writing.
Thankyou again it's wonderful that you take time out to help others, especially when you have suffered so much yourself!

Take care.

JoC

P.S Still not sleeping.

 

[Brucie]

Hello again Jo,

some of our very talented members of TP find that writing some poetry on their feelings helps them. And when they post the results on TP they help others as well.

You could try giving that a go as you try to sleep......

 

[Norman]

Jo
something that I always found useful was to write down my problems.
I still do this now although my biggest problem is my wife's AD,I stil find writing it down helps.
Don't forget we are here for you ,we all suffer and understand your problem.
Post when you feel the need
very best wishes
Norman