1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

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33 years old and struggling with mum's diagnosis.

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by flystand, Jan 18, 2016.

  1. flystand

    flystand Registered User

    Jan 18, 2016
    13
    Mt Pearl,St John's nl
    I am reaching out to anybody,somebody to please help me understand my mom who is 60, and her getting tested,mri's,cat scans, for her memory. I'll start off with my mom , the most special woman ever has been mentally ill since I was 3, shes been in institutions all my life, after years of saying it was this and that she finally was diagnosed with bi-polar, severe social anxiety disorder, ptsd , from physical abuse from my dad, who passed away on my birthday drinking and driving. for the last 21 years she has been in hospital sometimes a year ata time,6 months,3 months etc. Christmas day she said to me I need to go back to the hospital , I'm hearing things again ,so she was admitted that day as she was just realeased in august after for months for the same thing , this admission is the worst ive ever seen, I noticed her memory wasn't the best for quite some time, ive always taken care of my mum ,shes all I have , I'm sorry I cant even write this without crying so , this admission they did tests on her mind, they said she has short term memory lose, then an MRI was done and showed some deteriation , in just a week she went from not having the best memory to , someone that's not my mum, she is so scared they are going to murder her, her dr. she screams a scream I wish id never heard because I hear it every night ,saying KIMBERLY PLEASE HELP ME I NEED YOU THEY ARE GOING TO KILL ME,CUT ME UP AND BURN ME,its the saddest thing ive ever seen and I cant imagine how she feels, my heart is broken , ive been voicing my concerns daily as she is not telling her dr everything shes telling me, they give her privliges to leave the unit for two hours a day or 4 hour pass, all the while shes telling me I'm leaving here before I die ,she says I'm going to leave to come take care of you etc because ive been diagnosed with cervical cancer ,I have depression,social anxiety disorder and adult ADD, and I tell her I'm ok mum, but I'm not I had surgery Tuesday past and this Thursday a major surgery but Its like I don't care about me right now ,I want her to be and the drs,nurses ot professionals aren't listening to me , I did manage to get her privliges revoked but as of today when I had to go there they were given back and ive never been so scared in my life, the dr said to me, did you maybe think that you looking sad nyour tone being that of sadness is possibly whats making your mom sick and said that maybe I should stay away for awhile, MY GOD NO IM NOT? AM I? So I need maybe some help or info about what I can do and I don't even understand fully whats going on etc, can someone please help me, she needs me but right now I'm very sick and stressed beyond words and I'm afraid for both of us:(:(
     
  2. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,451
    Yorkshire
    Hi flystand
    you and your mum are going through one heck of a time right now
    I'm so sorry for your situation - but glad you found us on TP to be able to write it all down - there are lots of people here to share sympathy and experience with you

    Really difficult as it is, you need to take some time to breathe - your mum is being looked after, and you have stated your concerns - it's horribly upsetting to see your parent in such turmoil, feeling helpless to take away the distress; sadly we just can't - the staff will be experienced and will do their best for her

    so this week, in preparation for your next surgery, try to take some time out - easier said than done, I appreciate when you are worried, however you need to concentrate on your own health just for now

    I'm sorry if the doctor seemed to blaming you for your mum's situation - you clearly are not the cause of her issues
    we all do, though, pick up on other peoples body language often without realising - and you are very worried so he may be suggesting that however much you are trying to put on a brave face for your mum, she is picking up that all is not well with you and her mothering instinct is kicking in so she wants to help you, but isn't able to, and with everything else it's not a positive mix
    so, harsh as it sounds, he may have a point, and you taking a break from visiting may actually help her, at the moment
    nothing to say you shouldn't keep in touch with the staff, maybe just call once a day for updates

    sorry, I'm waffling - I just want you to know that although I can't give you answers, I am reading what you write and so will others,
    so do come back to let us know how you are

    best wishes for thursday
     
  3. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    58,756
    Female
    Dundee
    Good morning flystand. Welcome to TP.

    I'm so sorry to read of your situation. You are clearly having a very bad time. I agree with Shedrech that it might be best for you to step back a bit. Give yourself time to deal with your own health issues. Your mum is being looked after, now you need to be looked after. Once your surgery is over give yourself time to recuperate. When you feel a bit stronger you could get back to focusing on your mum. I know, all very easy for me to say. Wishing you all the best for Thursday.
     
  4. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,768
    Merseyside
    Welcome to TP :)

    I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. As Shedrech & Izzy say you need to focus on your own health at the moment.
    The hospital will keep your mum safe & update you.
    I hope the surgery goes well on Thursday.
     
  5. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    22,491
    Female
    Near Southampton
    I, too, wish you the very best for your surgery and agree that you need to concentrate on getting stronger yourself right now. Then you will be in a much better position to support your mother. Both of you are going through a traumatic time but your mother is being cared for so you must care for yourself.
    You are indeed a devoted daughter and your love for your mother shows in your post.
    I am so very sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine the agony you are feeling. x
     
  6. flystand

    flystand Registered User

    Jan 18, 2016
    13
    Mt Pearl,St John's nl
    Hi, im new here, i am 33 years old, and am struggling with my mums diaganosis

    I may not be sure of anything right now, but I know and believe with all my heart that I found talking point at just the right time, that my prayers led me to you all, I understand I need to take care of myself but feel like my mum will think ive left her or I don't care. I guess because we only have each other, but at the same time , I feel like this is killing me, being there daily,i am to the point now though I realize I'm so not well and making myself sicker, so ive decided I cant go and wont I till after my surgery and recovery. oh my heart breaks writing these words but I need to be ok for her and if that means ive got to stay away I will, reading all these messages of support is amazing, I'm so happy I reached out and am blessed, I may be alone in the sense that I have no one here to help me with this, however all I needed was to know someone cared, people who know how I feel and are willing to take the time to message me is heartwarming, thank you with all my heart
     
  7. flystand

    flystand Registered User

    Jan 18, 2016
    13
    Mt Pearl,St John's nl
    Hi, im new here, i am 33 years old, and am struggling with my mums diaganosis

    god bless you, I just commented on a message about how I'm glad and blessed to have found talking point, I'm not feeling very well and my mum is calling every 5 minutes or so and ive had to turn the ringer off for awhile so I can rest, well relax and calm down and stop crying, this is so scary but not being there for her at all would be much worse, so I'm going to take today ,for myself , I say today, because I guess I will take it one day at a time. thank you and god bless all of you
     
  8. flystand

    flystand Registered User

    Jan 18, 2016
    13
    Mt Pearl,St John's nl
    Hi, im new here, i am 33 years old, and am struggling with my mums diaganosis

    I too hope so, that in itself has me worried but god is a healer ,he loves me and will never leave me, so I believe I'll be ok, then I will be able to help my mum, please know as of Thursday I will be inhospital for a week and a half ,so I wont be able to message but will update you all when I get home, after I call my mum of course. thank you ,all of you sincerely KimberlyQUOTE=Cat27;1223497]Welcome to TP :)

    I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. As Shedrech & Izzy say you need to focus on your own health at the moment.
    The hospital will keep your mum safe & update you.
    I hope the surgery goes well on Thursday.[/QUOTE]
     
  9. flystand

    flystand Registered User

    Jan 18, 2016
    13
    Mt Pearl,St John's nl
    Hi, im new here, i am 33 years old, and am struggling with my mums diaganosis

    I messaged you back but I guess I did something wrong its there just not in reply too you,i apologize I gotta go stop crying and rest, maybe I will think straight then, god bless you
     
  10. flystand

    flystand Registered User

    Jan 18, 2016
    13
    Mt Pearl,St John's nl
    Hi, im new here, i am 33 years old, and am struggling with my mums diaganosis

    Do you really think my mum will be ok while I'm gone? She wont think I left her? I'd never leave her but I'm nothing if I'm not taking care of myself, I know that but its hard to even write that and think that. She called a dozen times last night saying she has to call the cops ,I tried explaining to her that shes going to be ok, no one is going to kill her, she hears me, but doesn't believe it, she called again cursing saying they wont give me the number for the police, she was cursing at me and called me a horrible name, which she would never do that , ITS NOT MY MUM, I said I had to go to sleep,(wish I could sleep) and she said ok kimberly if I'm not here in the morning I'm dead, sooooo hard to hear, I am going to stay away ONLY, because I need to , but the calls are upsetting , I am grateful for talking point ,I will update when I can, going to get better for mum even if it kills me, we are two tough women, I haven't given up yet ,but yesterday came so close, until I found TP, and realized I may be doing this all alone but somebody out there cares and for that, today I can be ok, thank you
     
  11. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    7,451
    Yorkshire
    Hi flystand
    I'm glad our responses heartened you - I think TP is an answer to many prayers

    I'm also pleased that what we all said was pretty much what you were thinking anyway - you must look after yourself; then you will be more able to care for your mum

    I hope you don't mind but you did give me a giggle:
    :)

    You do both sound tough - so you know that however distressed your mum is at the moment, deep down she knows you will not abandon her; so let her be for now

    I'm not sure how she's managing to call you so much - might I suggest you ask the staff to distract her from this; be sure they know your own situation so they understand you need some peace

    best wishes
     
  12. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015
    427
    The reason you cant send a personal message yet is because the system doesnt allow you to until you have made 10 posts so dont worry about that.

    Please try not to worry about your Mum while you are going through so much - she is being well looked after and I am sure they will find the right meds to calm her and get rid of her delusions. You must concentrate on your own health and after your surgery on Thursday, take some time out to recover your strength, so that when you see her again, you will be positive and able to give her re-assurance.

    Good luck with your surgery and be assured you will have much love and support from us on this forum xx
     
  13. flystand

    flystand Registered User

    Jan 18, 2016
    13
    Mt Pearl,St John's nl
    33 years old and struggling with mum's diagnosis

    Hi there, first thank you for helping me understand how TP works, I was in such a panic yesterday I could have looked at how to use TP , Now I know what to do, my mum called and said they are moving her to another unit, a geriatric unit, I'm assuming for more testing, neurological etc, I say assume because I called and her nurse couldn't tell me anything, I'd have to speak to her Dr, for a week and a half I've called the nurse's station daily, 8am every morning to please tell her physiatrist to call, HE/ SHE HAS NOT ONCE, she will now have a new physiatrist, on the new unit, 3weeks in and this will be the sixth psychiatrist, that in itself got to be confusing. I've been admitting my mum in this hospital since I was 13, by myself, I never finished high school because I always left to be with her, but did get my diploma and graduated as a PCA . I am happier knowing she is off this unit and I believe on a unit where she belongs with a RN . She said oh my god they are so old, I'm not old ,am I? She's 60, and beautiful. In regards to all her calls to me, I've addressed this on numerous occasions and they said " we never seen her on the phone, or heard her", no of course not she's whispering , she has an escape route in her mind of course she's not going to speak loud, trust me when I say I've tried everything, and soute out every recourse I could and legal advice, her rights mine ,everything, but I am OK (I'm saying OK because I'm really tired of saying I'm not) but OK in the sense that this is new to me and I am listening to advice etc from all of you and that you all know more than me about this disease. So I'm ready to do what needs to be done, so I'm around for a long time. All I needed was to be heard and the rest can come after? I'm guessing? Sincerely flystand and mum.
     
  14. Amy in the US

    Amy in the US Registered User

    Feb 28, 2015
    4,624
    USA
    Hi flystand, and welcome to TP.

    I am sorry to hear about your situation and wish you all the best for your own health and of course your mother.

    You probably know all of this already, but just in case:

    If your mother has been moved to a Senior Behavioral Health Unit, or Geriatric Psychiatry, then she is in good hands and will likely get both a medical and psychiatric workup as well as a medication review and really good care from the staff. This happened with my mother a year ago and the nurses and staff on the unit were amazing and my mother improved rapidly under their very expert care.

    I agree you need to talk to her attending doctor (likely a psychiatrist) but also each day, as often as you want, you can call and talk to the floor nurses for updates as well. I got my best information from them. The unit my mother was in also had dedicated geriatric social workers and they were also helpful, so get their name and number. If there isn't a dedicated geriatric social worker for the unit, and I'd be surprised if there's not, get the name of the geriatric social worker for the hospital and talk to them. If all else fails, contact the chaplain and the patient care advocate office.

    I know you'll feel better when you have some information and of course that's difficult for you to manage with your surgery this week, but let the unit staff know what is going on with you and I am sure they will work with you.

    Best wishes to you and your mother.
     
  15. flystand

    flystand Registered User

    Jan 18, 2016
    13
    Mt Pearl,St John's nl
    Hi, im new here, i am 33 years old, and am struggling with my mums diaganosis

    Hi Amy, first thank you, I'm am completely overwhelmed at just how helpful and kind you all are here at TP, ive never in my life had any support , ive reached out to different resources,councilling, advice and legal information , I thought surely to god, I have the right to know and I really feel for some reson that because I have concerns and questions ,calling daily etc that they are mad,agitated , I assume over worked as I have seen my mum whos not eating at all ask for an ensure or boost and she gets a response "we are busy right now ok,dealing with a fight or someone else, just wait, then I say excuse me my mum has nothing to eat ,she just has no appetite, only for lays chips,and chocolate lol, and 3 hours later she gets one. id get her some myself but everything is stolen from her, even her undergarments. The only thing they were increasing or decreasing was her sleeping pill, and they told me, every time she takes it, her blood pressure drops extremely low, and is given apple juice, I'm no dr and no I am not making her sicker but I thought maybe if this is a huge concern , wouldn't they put her back on the sleeping pill she had prior to this that did work and never had side effects or blood pressure medication, and to hear her pysciatrist say to her in a very mean tone " you are going to die if this keeps up " as well as " do you really think you can hear screams from miles away, do you? she looks at me almost for assurance and back at him and says "I guess not" he said "ITS IMPOSSIBLE OK,IMPOSSIBLE" I only met this dr once with mum ,myself ,him and a nurse, he never made eye contact with me, id say excuse me, excuse me may I ask you a question, "IM SPEAKING TO YOUR MOTHER" Now was I angry yes, but I was so shocked I couldn't speak. Sorry for such long responses . As hard as it is and the lack of information etc, I will keep trying ,never giving up, NOT TODAY!!!!!!!. I will gladly take your advice if this keeps up,she hass no spouse, no family,in turn I have none ,so I am her next of kin and I believe I should be made aware , and I just want to be a voice for her at this time,thats all. thank you and god bless
     
  16. flystand

    flystand Registered User

    Jan 18, 2016
    13
    Mt Pearl,St John's nl
    Hi, im new here, i am 33 years old, and am struggling with my mums diaganosis

    He has already healed you.
    In the mind of the Father,you are all healed.
    Jesus knows that he bore our diseases.
    How it must hurt Him to hear you talking about bearing them yourself.
    "I/We are healed because He did that work and satisfied the Supreme
    Court of the Universe"
    When were we all healed? When Jesus defeated Satan and stripped himof his authority
    and arose,we were healed.
     

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