I lost my Mum three years ago but still wonder if I did all I could for her, she went down hill very fast or so it seemed at the time, then was diagnosed with Leukaemia on top of the dementia which gave her less time, she never wanted to go in a home so I used to visit her as often as possible in her own home and had lots of help from carers, then she got very weak and nearly went into a coma but I gave her brandy from a spoon and she recovered, it might of been kinder to let her slip away then, but the doctor was called and she was taken to hospital where they told me about the leukaemia and gave her weeks to live, considering I was her only child and close relative I took the news quite calmly, as in a way I had lost the mum I knew some time before, she was in hospital for some weeks and had blood transfusions but was wandering about and twice nearly walked out of the hospital in her pj's she also hit a nurse who tried to stop her, and was often sat behind the nurses station when I visited, it took ages to arrange the carers etc for her to come back to my house as it was more practical than me having to go to hers as I am agoraphobic too! I had her door security system moved to my house, but even with this I managed to lock myself out once and had major panics to find she had not noticed I had gone when I got in, she gradually went downhill and said some hurtful things which I know she didn't mean and it got to the point that she couldn't eat in less than a month or get out of bed to the toilet, one morning in a up moment she said she didn't think she would be here much longer and that evening she had bad pains in her stomach so I rang the doctors who sent the paramedics, it had been prearranged for the doctor to leave some medicine for her if it got to this point so she could stay at home, but the paramedics said she had to go into hospital, I went with her and my son came in to be with me, she was in a cold waiting area in a cubicle for ages, wired up to machines that showed her heart was failing, then we were taken to a fairly quiet ward, where they realised that she could not swallow, she was given morphine which from her reaction I don't believe she wanted, she had always been very intelligent and knew what it could do, the doctor took me aside and told me she only had hours left, we were taken into a side room to be alone with her, it was nice and peaceful but she was cold, my son and I sat with her for a few hours, I held her hand and she smiled at me, she fell asleep then I noticed she had stopped breathing, it was really quite peaceful and could have been worse, I think for me it was easier being at the hospital in the end, but I still wonder if I could have done more for her, it was left up to me to decide if she should have more transfusions, a very hard decision to make as they were only improving things for a very short time, and the doctors would not decide for me, in the end I didn't think it was a kind thing to do, as it would have meant more trips in and out of hospital or staying in, but did I do that for her or me? I hope it was for her but it probably was for both of us, they said I would need counselling but I never had any, my children helped me get through it all and in many ways I feel she is still with me, I just wonder could I have done more?
3 Years On
- Thread starter Memori
- Start date
Dear Memori
You could not have done more than you did for your mum and you made all the right decisions for your mum.
If this of any help I would have done the same and made the same difficult choices
My heart goes out to you for the suffering you are still going through
Its so hard to cast out those doubts that you could have done more and done better .
Difficult choices had to be made and you made them for your dear mums sake
I hope that writing here has helped even if only a little .
I found that it helped me a lot , yes the keyboard got rather wet but it did me good
You might find talking to CRUSE helpful too
Love and ((((hugs)))) to you
You could not have done more than you did for your mum and you made all the right decisions for your mum.
If this of any help I would have done the same and made the same difficult choices
My heart goes out to you for the suffering you are still going through
Its so hard to cast out those doubts that you could have done more and done better .
Difficult choices had to be made and you made them for your dear mums sake
I hope that writing here has helped even if only a little .
I found that it helped me a lot , yes the keyboard got rather wet but it did me good
You might find talking to CRUSE helpful too
Love and ((((hugs)))) to you
Dear Memori
I agree with Lin, and, if it is any consolation, I would have done the same as you. You saved your mum from further suffering and it was kinder to her to do as you did. I care for my 96 year old MIL and, faced with choices in the future, I would do whatever releases her from suffering soonest. Your mum is at peace now, and I hope you will be able to let go of this inner conflict as it would help your phobia problem. You were with her at the end, which is denied many people. What a comfort that must have been to your mum.
I have a dear friend who suffers from agoraphobia, and Im amazed at all that you were able to do for your mum.
Love and best wishes
Coletta
I agree with Lin, and, if it is any consolation, I would have done the same as you. You saved your mum from further suffering and it was kinder to her to do as you did. I care for my 96 year old MIL and, faced with choices in the future, I would do whatever releases her from suffering soonest. Your mum is at peace now, and I hope you will be able to let go of this inner conflict as it would help your phobia problem. You were with her at the end, which is denied many people. What a comfort that must have been to your mum.
I have a dear friend who suffers from agoraphobia, and Im amazed at all that you were able to do for your mum.
Love and best wishes
Coletta
Hello Memori:
I hope it has helped you to let out your feelings here. So many others have felt similar emotions.
I agree you could not have done more and I am sure your decisions and actions were correct - you knew your Mum more than anyone. My husband is in final stages of mixed dementia and I have agreed DNR and no hospitalisation. From our discussions in much earlier years he made it clear he would never want to be in a vegetative state. I doubt whether any of us would choose that either.
I do believe you would benefit from bereavement counselling. Why not discuss this with your Doctor and hopefully he can recommend someone suitable local to you?
My very best wishes
I hope it has helped you to let out your feelings here. So many others have felt similar emotions.
I agree you could not have done more and I am sure your decisions and actions were correct - you knew your Mum more than anyone. My husband is in final stages of mixed dementia and I have agreed DNR and no hospitalisation. From our discussions in much earlier years he made it clear he would never want to be in a vegetative state. I doubt whether any of us would choose that either.
I do believe you would benefit from bereavement counselling. Why not discuss this with your Doctor and hopefully he can recommend someone suitable local to you?
My very best wishes
Last edited:
Hello Memori
I posted the message below to Peraco a few days ago inreply to his thread
I think many , many people are plagued with self doubt about what they did ( or did not ) do surronding their care of their loved ones prior to death It is a particular problem where dementure is involved because our decisions are those that are acted upon , so we blame ourselves
I only hope that time helps to ease the guilt we feel , but I do not believe it can ever be forgotten
The fact that you have put your thoughts into words and posted them here is in itself a part of the road to accepting the feelings
Your feelings and thoughts are shared by myself and many members of TP
God Bless
jimbo 111
Hello Peraco
Although the circumstances of losing my wife ( May last year ) are not he same as yours , I too have lived since her death with a terrible guilt that perhaps I could have done more to save her life
She had AD, insulin dependant Diabetes , in addition to several other problems
one of which was chronic vomitting
A few days before she was admitted to hospital she was complaining about severe back pains ,and the vomitting was bad
The doctor who came out to her , took her blood pressure etc , then prescibed an oitment to rub on her back and hot water bottles About 5.30 in the morning she vomitted violently a green coloured fluid
I hesitated to call the out of hours duty doctor , opting instead to call our own surgery at about 8.00
The doctor said he would admit her to hospital
When the medics came 30minutes later they hooked her up to all the stuff they carry , looked very puzzled and asked me if I knew why she wqs being admitted
because theyhad been told it was dehydration
To cut a long story short she had had a silent heart attack that was fullowed by several more in the next few days
The hospital told me that a silent heart attack could often be missed by a GP
They said there was no hope of recovery and she went 14 days before she died
It has been a long winded story to try and explain why I can feel for you and your feeling of guilt
Could you , Could I , have done more to save our wives lives ?????
Our guilt lies in the feeling that IF we had done differently could we have spared them .
If I had called the out of hours doc would that have saved her life
Should I have questioned my own doctor about having missed the heart attack?
The trouble is Peraco we will probab;y never know while we are on this earh
I know I can share your pain, it is raw , and we never knew how much it could hurt
When I look at the picture of my wife I constantly ask myself Could I have saved you for a few more years?
To maintain my own peace of mind I console myself with the thought that with all she was suffering prior to the heart attack it was God's will that she should not suffer any more.
I know that saying I share your feeelings do's not necessarily make you feel better
but I hope it has given you some consolation that our problem is shared with many others
I have found great comfort in being an active member of TP , both in discussing my fears and heartaches ,and when feeling like it joining in with some of the light hearted threads in the tea room
Try it it will help
I look forward to seeing your name on future posts
Take care
jimbo 111
I posted the message below to Peraco a few days ago inreply to his thread
I think many , many people are plagued with self doubt about what they did ( or did not ) do surronding their care of their loved ones prior to death It is a particular problem where dementure is involved because our decisions are those that are acted upon , so we blame ourselves
I only hope that time helps to ease the guilt we feel , but I do not believe it can ever be forgotten
The fact that you have put your thoughts into words and posted them here is in itself a part of the road to accepting the feelings
Your feelings and thoughts are shared by myself and many members of TP
God Bless
jimbo 111
Hello Peraco
Although the circumstances of losing my wife ( May last year ) are not he same as yours , I too have lived since her death with a terrible guilt that perhaps I could have done more to save her life
She had AD, insulin dependant Diabetes , in addition to several other problems
one of which was chronic vomitting
A few days before she was admitted to hospital she was complaining about severe back pains ,and the vomitting was bad
The doctor who came out to her , took her blood pressure etc , then prescibed an oitment to rub on her back and hot water bottles About 5.30 in the morning she vomitted violently a green coloured fluid
I hesitated to call the out of hours duty doctor , opting instead to call our own surgery at about 8.00
The doctor said he would admit her to hospital
When the medics came 30minutes later they hooked her up to all the stuff they carry , looked very puzzled and asked me if I knew why she wqs being admitted
because theyhad been told it was dehydration
To cut a long story short she had had a silent heart attack that was fullowed by several more in the next few days
The hospital told me that a silent heart attack could often be missed by a GP
They said there was no hope of recovery and she went 14 days before she died
It has been a long winded story to try and explain why I can feel for you and your feeling of guilt
Could you , Could I , have done more to save our wives lives ?????
Our guilt lies in the feeling that IF we had done differently could we have spared them .
If I had called the out of hours doc would that have saved her life
Should I have questioned my own doctor about having missed the heart attack?
The trouble is Peraco we will probab;y never know while we are on this earh
I know I can share your pain, it is raw , and we never knew how much it could hurt
When I look at the picture of my wife I constantly ask myself Could I have saved you for a few more years?
To maintain my own peace of mind I console myself with the thought that with all she was suffering prior to the heart attack it was God's will that she should not suffer any more.
I know that saying I share your feeelings do's not necessarily make you feel better
but I hope it has given you some consolation that our problem is shared with many others
I have found great comfort in being an active member of TP , both in discussing my fears and heartaches ,and when feeling like it joining in with some of the light hearted threads in the tea room
Try it it will help
I look forward to seeing your name on future posts
Take care
jimbo 111
