3 years on and i still miss my mum

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by bertie, Jan 21, 2007.

  1. bertie

    bertie Registered User

    Jan 21, 2007
    5
    burton on trent
    hi everyone
    i am new to this site today but am hoping i can get some comfort and perhaps positive feedback, i lost my mum 3 yrs ago yesterday to alzheimers and am still finding her loss very difficult to cope with, she was such a happy,mild natured woman until this terrible disease took over her mind!! she was diagnosed at 58 yrs of age and then changed completely to a violent and agressive woman, i think thsi was the hardest part to cope with, until the day she didn't recognise me or my son anymore,whom she adored! why did this teriible disease take my mum away from me when i still need her? 10 weeks before she died my sister and i felt my dad wasn't coping and contacted her cpn which now was the worst thing we could of done, as she was admitted to a psychiatric assessment unit which to say the least weren't used to dealing with young alzheimers patients who also had mobility problems, within a week mum had fallen and broken her hip, had become doubly incontinent, that dehydrated that her kidneys failed, i now feel so bitter and guilty for what happened to her as if we hadn't interfered maybe she wouldn't have suffered so much in that hell hole!!
    i have so many mixed feelings still, anger, guilt, and above all the biggest sense of loss for a beautiful,wonderful mum.
    sorry if this hasn't been the most positive of postings but feel that maybe someone out there may be able to relate to how i am feeling even after 3 yrs after mums death
    thx for listening
    Sal
    xx
     
  2. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,871
    Kent
    Hi Sal, I`m so sorry you are finding it so hard to come to terms with the death of your mum, and the grief is so raw.
    I`m sure that even if she hadn`t been admitted for assessment, her illness would probably have progressed with the same speed it did. It`s like other forms of disease. Some progress slowly, while the progress of others is rapid.
    Please don`t blame yourself for trying your best. You did what you had to do and would probably feel worse than ever if you hadn`t.
    You are angry that you have lost your mother. You still need her and miss her. Although she died young, she is at peace, but you are still suffering. As well as grieving for your mother, you are grieving for yourself, for your loss.
    Would you consider bereavement counselling. It might help you to sort out your feelings. You certainly need someone to talk to.
    I hope you get some help from others like yourself on TP. Those who still feel the pain when others expect it should have eased.
    I`m sorry I can`t be of more help. Sylvia x
     
  3. Áine

    Áine Registered User

    Hi Sal, welcome to TP!

    I lost my dad in July this year. The anniversaries (of someone's death, and birthdays .. and of course xmas) always seem harder I think. It's dad's birthday tomorrow. But he would have been 88. You lost your mum very young, and I think that can make it harder.

    Please don't blame yourself for speaking to the CPN ......... there's no way of knowing what might have been if you hadn't, or what a muddle your parents might have got into if you'd left them to try to cope. I've tortured myself similarly over dad (still do from time to time). He deteriorated very rapidly when he went into care, so I tell myself I shouldn't have done it. But he was deteriorating rapidly anway, that's why he ended up in care. It's OK with hindsight to say we shouldn't have done these things, but if we hadn't intervened and parents had wandered and got hurt, or fallen whilst alone in the house, or set the house on fire (which I think dad was on course to do) we'd have blamed ourselves for that too.

    It's difficult grieving in such complicated circumstances and I think it does take time.

    best wishes

    Áine
     
  4. bertie

    bertie Registered User

    Jan 21, 2007
    5
    burton on trent
    hi
    thanks to both of u for ur replies, i can see what u r both saying and yes it does help but i know times a great healer and think that with it bein my mums anniversary has brought all the old feelings flooding back. am so glad i have found this site and am sure will find some great friends on here and hopefully can help them through the difficult times too

    thx again
    Sal
     

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