3 generations, 1 with dementia all under 1 roof

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Kep1997, Dec 11, 2019.

  1. Kep1997

    Kep1997 New member

    Dec 11, 2019
    New to this but was just thinking if there was anybody else going through the same situation. I live with my husband, his mum who has dementia and our 7 year old daughter. It's extremely stressful, upsetting and is devastating our family. She is so aggressive, hates the world, is constantly abusive towards my husband (her son) all the time. She is still able bodied with a stick but refuses to get up. She has only been washed and dressed 4 times in the last 5 months. She takes her medication as and when she feels like it and I'm sure most of it is flushed! When she starts shouting, swearing, and being physically aggressive towards us, our poor daughter runs and hides behind the curtain! We are like prisoners in our own home. Brother in law helped for 1 night and couldn't cope so bought her back. She won't allow anyone else in and barracades herself in her room! We cannot fulfill our lives with our daughter as we need to care for her. It's so hard.
    Anybody with any ideas?? I have said I think for daughter's sake and ours as a family we need to think about a home but husband is so guilt ridden with the idea....
  2. Jane4567

    Jane4567 New member

    Dec 8, 2018
    How awful for you all.
    Guilt seems to go hand in hand with caring for a pwd.
    I agree with you that your daughter’s health is of paramount importance.
    Maybe you could arrange a week’s respite care in a local care home to start with and go on from there?
  3. Kep1997

    Kep1997 New member

    Dec 11, 2019
    I think we are going to look to do that after Christmas but I can only see it going one way. To be honest kids are so resilient and she is a bright kid who understands that it's Nanny's brain that doesn't work properly. My husband is the one really suffering at the moment. I support him as much as I can but he is so down in the dumps, forever being THE one who cops everything.
  4. TNJJ

    TNJJ Registered User

    May 7, 2019
    I have a dad who can be very argumentative but only with me.I don't live with him. He has carers 4 times s day and cannot walk unless he has his gutter frame.

    I used to be his main carer but have developed osteoarthritis so cannot take him out in his wheelchair etc.But I too became dad's whipping boy.(I'm female and 55).I got fed up with it to be honest and arranged for 2 weeks respite which became 4 weeks..I told him it was either the care home or carers ,either.But it was not going to be me as I needed a break..
    Sometimes you have to be blunt.I have tried the compassionate communication approach with dad but he tends to manipulate me more.So now he gets it straight..Whether he likes it or not ..

    Your needs as a family need to come first.Especially your husband who i should imagine is feeling quite down and depressed...If your husband is against a home maybe carers? But sooner or later it will need to be looked at again...Best of luck.
  5. Dimpsy

    Dimpsy Registered User

    Sep 2, 2019
    What an unhappy household, it sounds as if your mother-in-laws dementia rules the roost.

    MiL may need more help than you as a family can provide and it could be a good thing to investigate all the options available.
    Many people on this forum will be able to point you in the right direction of the next step.

    It's hard when you are trying to do your best for the generation above and the one below but I would think that your family life with your daughter should be prioritized.
    Your MiL's health will inevitably decline and her future should be discussed. Your husband shouldn't feel guilty about taking responsibility for his mother's situation, whatever the outcome may be, he quite rightly should feel proud that he is looking after and doing the best for his family.

    Doing nothing is not an option.
  6. Guzelle

    Guzelle Registered User

    Aug 27, 2016
    It sounds to me she definitely needs to be in a care home if she is not washed and dressed. It’s too much for you and your husband she needs professional care by a team of people. Your husband will feel guilty but he will feel much better when he sees her clean and properly medicated. My husband was very similar he wouldn’t wash and I was his punch bag verbally and physically occasionally. He is now in a lovely home cared for by a team of people. He is clean and more chatty. I feel better in myself knowing he’s well looked after. I can have a life myself now too. The guilt is always there but I couldn’t carry on as I was depressed and miserable and had no life. I was being controlled by a mad man!
  7. Curlew

    Curlew New member

    Dec 10, 2019
    Hi, I'm also quite a new poster. I don't have direct experience of your situation (my mother is nearly mute and is quite passive at present), but it sounds very difficult. I can sympathise with your husband's level of guilt - nobody wants to have to choose between vulnerable family members. However, you might like to point out to him that, whilst I'm sure your daughter is well protected by your love for her, if social services were to become involved, they might deem your daughter to be at risk, simply because she has to witness her Nanny's behaviour towards her father. In a former life, I worked as a peer supporter for new mothers and we were required to undergo safeguarding training and we were taught that if we came across a situation of domestic abuse where children were witnesses, we should make a referral to social services even if the actual adult victim did not want any support or intervention - because the children were vulnerable and at risk of to emotional harm due to having witnessed abuse. And on a parenting forum many years ago, there was a long running saga of a teenager with special needs behaving aggressively towards her younger siblings, and when the teen eventually turned 18, social services insisted that she (a vulnerable adult) move out into sheltered accommodation, as a condition of them stopping child protection proceedings for her younger siblings. It's a horrible situation to be in, and you have my every sympathy.
  8. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    My aged mothers nickname is the Granninator! A cross between Arnie & a Gran- with bah-humbug attitude!! Never an easy person she’s now more reliant than ever on us- we live 125 miles away & im grateful for that distance.

    Your priority is your child, your MIL has needs you cannot meet. The impact on your daughter will be deep, with school & her friendships becoming strained. I speak from experience here, your child comes first!

    Social services Adult assessment team need to be contacted as a care assessment is required.
    Your husband has nothing to feel guilty about, this is an illness & sadly this is a terminal illness.

    Your daughter has the right to feel safe in her own home. That has to be both of your priorities.
    My Mum used to lash out as well as being verbal! It’s horrid to be at the end of, & terrifying as a child.

    Sorry if I sound harsh, but.....
    Hopefully you get help soon
    please keep posting
  9. Kep1997

    Kep1997 New member

    Dec 11, 2019
    Thanks for all your replies. It helps to know t there are others out there to lend an ear and advice.
    Will keep you updated
  10. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Volunteer Host

    Apr 1, 2016
    Welcome to Dementia Talking Point @Kep1997

    I hope you’ll find the support and advice you need here.

    I can see you’re worried about the situation at home and with good reason. Yes, children are resilient but they usually have a safe place to go to to recharge their batteries as they deal with life’s normal stresses. It doesn’t sound as though your home is a safe place, emotionally speaking, for your daughter at the moment.

    I know your MIL is ill and probably can’t help her behaviour but I think the strain this is putting on every member of your family is unbearable. If you asked for help from SS they would have to give it to you.

    I believe that your MIL is unhappy because of her dementia and you cannot make her happy by keeping her at home. It is making everyone else miserable though. Why not get your MIL into respite now, as quickly as you can, so you can give your family a peaceful Christmas together and then decide what to do in the new year? Most carehomes go all out to make Christmas great for their residents in a way that a PWD can enjoy without becoming overwhelmed.

    One final note. I care for a 10yr old child and he has recently developed extreme anxiety. (He was taken to A&E in summer with chest pains which turned out to be anxiety not heart problems). He has had to deal with a grandma with dementia and aggression and I wonder if this has had an adverse effect on his mental health. His Grandma died in January but he is still in therapy.
  11. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Just as an aside I thought I’d mention the importance of letting your daughter’s school know about the situation. Sorry if you’ve already done this but it is important. I’m sure there will be a designated member of staff who will be able to oversee how your daughter is managing in school given the circumstances. Also her class teacher will be able to keep more of an eye on her and be alert to any changes in her behaviour.
  12. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    These 2 statements completely contradict each other to me. I personally suspect that she appears resilient on the surface, kids are renowned for not showing things.

    My kids were 8 and 12 when everything went pop with my mum and she had to stay with us for 3 months. Various things came out afterwards that had clearly affected them at the time. Kids are very good at internalising things and being aware mum and dad are struggling and not wanting to add to the problems.

    I think this is very likely. My dau had various issues at school, and she got through them at the time and they all came out later.

    When I read your initial post my thoughts were about social workers thinking your dau might not be safe, and I have read on DTP before about suggestions that a child should be removed to foster care in these circumstances. Oddly the SW was trying to get the family to keep the PWD at home, but remove the child.

    Do speak to your childs school and any other groups they go to. Sometimes behaviours are spotted which indicate a problem which aren't showing at home. Beware that if it gets to the point your child is showing behaviour noticeable by the teachers it is likely to take months or years to resolve.
  13. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Volunteer Host

    Apr 1, 2016
    I’m shocked that a social worker would suggest removing the child and not the PWD @jugglingmum

    My own children, although in their teens when our dementia journey started, have definitely been affected by it.
  14. jugglingmum

    jugglingmum Registered User

    Jan 5, 2014
    I think the poster was at the time, they had contacted SS for support and this was the response they got.
  15. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Volunteer Host

    Apr 1, 2016
    I hope they told that social worker exactly what they thought of that solution!!
  16. nitram

    nitram Registered User

    Apr 6, 2011
    North Manchester
    IMHO somewhat typical response.

    Welfare of child at risk - immediately press the 'go' button.
    Welfare of adult at risk - investigate through time consuming channels.

    Not condoning this in any way.

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