1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

    Sam, our Knowledge Officer (Legal and Welfare Rights) is our expert on this topic. She will be here to answer your questions on Wednesday 26 June between 3:30 - 4:30 pm.

    You can either post questions >here< or email them to us at talkingpoint@alzheimers.org.uk and we'll answer as many as we can on the day.

3 day visit and I'm knackered!

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by ChrisH, May 18, 2008.

  1. ChrisH

    ChrisH Registered User

    Apr 16, 2008
    281
    Devon, England
    Hi all
    Got home about 3 hours ago from a visit to mum. Went up Thurs pm after work. At least I didn't have to deal with a turned off fridge freezer as soon as I arrived this time!! Instead we had a 'discussion' about what she'd eaten. I spotted 1/2 a glass of wine on the table but no signs of any meal. Perhaps she'd cleared it up, I hear you say. Well, if you'd ever seen my mum with wine and a meal you'd know the wine disappears long before the end of the food. I started the interrogation gently:

    Me: 'Did you go into town today?'
    Mum: 'No, I don't think so.' pause for thought 'No I didn't go in today'
    Me: 'Have you finished your dinner?'
     
  2. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    Hello ChrisH

    Missed your previous thread's, post's.
    Could you, update ?:)
    Barb & Ron X
     
  3. ChrisH

    ChrisH Registered User

    Apr 16, 2008
    281
    Devon, England
    Oops! Pressed the wrong button or something - hadn't finished what I was typing. I'll continue - it'll be a long one:D

    Mum: 'Oh yes'
    Me: 'So what did you have?'
    Mum: 'Oh, you know. One of those pies. Fish pie'

    No signs of empty plate, packaging or anything - but she does tend to wash up immediately so I give her the benefit of the doubt. That's until I noticed there's no packaging in the bin and I discover a 'pie' in the fridge minus the cardboard wrapper and the wrapper is in the porch with the recycling. Clearly the pie didn't end up in the microwave as she thought. She then gets annoyed with me because I'm basically calling her a liar ("I can't stand liars" is a favourite phrase). I point to the evidence and ask if she's taken her tablet which "I always have with my main meal".

    I seem to have spent the past couple of days lurching from one 'Where's my handbag' crisis to another. In between that I try to tidy up. This time I tackled the photos - one large carrier bag + 3 large boxes stashed behind a chair. I thought her long term memory was supposed to be ok and it was the short term that was the problem. Alas this wasn't true. I was horrified that photos of our old neighbours of more than 20 years standing were not recognised, "I know the face but I can't think of his name" or "Who's that?" "It's you mum". If I'd had the time I would have left it and done it later and as it was I was up to 1.30 one morning. They are now stashed in a cupboard where they will now doubt be forgotten, though I did sort out some to add to the photo album we compiled for her for Xmas.

    On Friday she had an appointment with her consultant. Her OT happened to walk through while we were waiting so we had a chat with her. Turns out they haven't been in for a couple of weeks and have referred her for someone to come in every evening to prompt her to take her tablet and do a safety check (and possibly suppervise her meal) - this may take a while as they are short staffed at present.

    The consultant was quite happy with her even though she couldn't tell him why she was there: "Well I had a letter telling me to come so I did". He doesn't want to see her for 6 months and then he'll assess if the tablets have done any good. He's not increasing the dose which mum is pleased about.

    Today I washed her hair and did her feet. That was after we'd had to go out in search of a new sheet for her bed (thank you Homebase). I'd finally persuaded her to let me change the bed (she always says she'll do it later and I'm not to worry). This time I'd discoved a slightly soiled sheet in a plastic bag in her wardrobe - "Oh that's got to go out" - "Why don't we just wash it mum!" Having shoved it and the rest of the bedding (including 3 pieces of old ripped sheet and an old teatowel she'd put over the fitted sheet) in the machine I discovered she had no more sheets. I wonder if she's thrown any away. Surely she had more than 2 sheets!

    Eventually I got home after a 3 hour drive and phoned to let her know I'd arrived safely. "Have you had your dinner yet mum?" "Well no, we're going out thismorning" (she's going out tomorrow morning on a trip) I remind her that it's actually 7 pm and she really ought to eat and have her tablet. I've been gone 3 hours and it appears she doesn't even know what time of day it is. Oh ***t! And I can't get up there again for another 4-5 weeks.

    Enough of my rambling. There was one amusing event - or at least it's best to see the funny side or I'd probably cry.
    Mum went to a 'do' on Wednesday with her friend. It was an 'Inner Wheel' thing - Rotary Club or something. Everyone was done up to the nines. Mum apparently wore 3 blouses and took her orange plastic shopping bag. I'd wish I could have seen some of their faces!! :) Her friend did tell her it was a posh 'do' but it obviously hadn't registered. Pity the friend couldn't have got her to change into something more suitable:( And mum does so love her orange plastic bag:D

    Like I said, 3 days and I'm knackered and tearing my hair out. I know there is no way I could be around her 24/7 and I do so admire those of you who do (with your loved ones that is, not my mum, though your welcome to try - honestly:D:D)

    Chris
     
  4. lesmisralbles

    lesmisralbles Account Closed

    Nov 23, 2007
    5,543
    Did you stay three day's with your mum ?

    Still not understanding ??
    Sorry, get a bit slow when you are older:)
    Barb & Ron X
     
  5. ChrisH

    ChrisH Registered User

    Apr 16, 2008
    281
    Devon, England
    Hi Barb & Ron
    Sorry for the confusion. I'm in a bit of a daze at the moment. Yes that's right - a mere 3 days and I'm climbing the walls. I only get up to see my mum every 4-6 weeks and went up to take her to see her consultant. Every time I go up we have a battle about food. She's down to less than 7 stone and size 12 clothes and she used to be around size 16 (mainly due to a bit of a tum which has all but disappeared - wish mine would:)).

    The social services where she lives have been very good so far, although I was suprised that they hadn't made their usual Wednesday visit for what appears to be 2 weeks. Her OT did say the support worker had been away and mum was out this Wednesday so that probably accounts for it.

    One thing that did suprise me was that the consultant didn't seem to know much about LPAs. Mum's GP told me to get her consultant to sign the Certificate and the consultant said I have to go to a solicitor! I showed him the form which clearly states a 'health professional' (including GP) can sign, or even a 'registered social worker'. So now I have to wait while he brings it up at a meeting next week and then he'll let me know if he can do it, or someone else on the mental health team. At least he thinks mum is still competent to set up a LPA. Let's hope she still is by the time I can get up there again! In the meantime I've discovered I can become her 'agent' for her bank accounts and they will give me a cheque book and card and internet access so I can keep an eye on her finances, make transfers, pay bills etc. if I need to. I've been a bit concerned that she's vulnerable to fraud or theft as she gets in a bit of a muddle with her handbag, purse etc and sometimes mutters her PIN number when she's using her card at the checkout.

    Anyhow, now I'm back home and will hopefully get a decent nights sleep (without waking at 2 am in a sauna because the heating is on full blast), but will wake up tomorrow worrying that she'll survive the outing she's going on without any mishaps. I think her friend is getting a bit embarrassed by her. I keep suggesting she might understand what's happening to mum if she goes to the library and looks up dementia (the friend doesn't know she has AZ only that she had a stroke and it affected her memory - mum doesn't want her to know). I've mentioned elsewhere that I don't think this friend will be able to cope when mum gets worse, but that's her problem, if she's a real friend she'll accept mum whatever way she is.


    Chris
     
  6. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi
    My Mum attended a funeral in a lovely skirt suit, but with her pyjama jacket as a blouse:D at least she was colour co-ordinated:D and she throughly enjoyed the company:rolleyes:
    Alfjess
     
  7. ChrisH

    ChrisH Registered User

    Apr 16, 2008
    281
    Devon, England
    Hi alfjess
    I'm keeping a record of what I call 'mum's little foibles'. One of these days I'll write a novel and I exepect a few of them will creep into the manuscript. I find humour really helpful. Sadly mum seems to be losing hers although she did find my impersonation of the people in the Bentley driving behind us yesterday amusing.
    Chris
     
  8. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Hi Chris,

    Sorry, but your tale sounds familiar with my mum. No idea what time of day it is. Time, I am sorry to say, to think of a care home.

    Sadly, friends do not always act as you think they might, if they have no idea what dementia can do, they will just regard your mum as a bit of a crackpot and will possibly find it disgraceful that she is wearing inappropriate clothes. This week my mum had her trousers on inside out. She hadn't twigged that was the reason that she couldn't do up the zip, so they were unzipped.

    Keep posting on here, we all know where you are at, we have all been there and done it pal.

    Love

    Margaret
     
  9. ChrisH

    ChrisH Registered User

    Apr 16, 2008
    281
    Devon, England
    Hi Margaret
    Thanks for the kind thoughts. Mum's usually not too bad with the time of day. I think it was more to do with the added stress of me having been there and now I'm not. Any change in her routine seems to throw her. She's off on an outing tomorrow and was convinced she had to be ready for 10.10 but I thought it was 9.10 (she manages to get me confused as well:D). She's got another outing on Tuesday. She gets flustered at the thought of going out but apparently enjoys it once she's there. I've told her friend that too many things going on close together isn't a good idea so she's not going to book her in for anything else and will get the organisers to ask mum directly. The problem is that these outings tend to be booked several weeks in advance and although she may agree to go one day, by the time of the outing, if she's had a bad day beforehand I think she gets agitated and takes it out on her friend.

    As for a care home, yes that will come in time as I can't have her living down here with me and she would be isolated from all her friends. She lives on a mobile home site and they do all look out for each other so I'm lucky there. I know she won't fall and not be found for several days as if her curtains aren't pulled by a certain time someone will be on the phone or knocking at her door. Mum has always been the one helping others in the past so it's nice that now they can help her a bit, even if she does tend to think they're being interfering old busy-bodies:D

    Just seen the time. Got to be up for work at 6.30 so I'll say goodnight all and talk to you tomorrow.
    Chris
     
  10. alfjess

    alfjess Registered User

    Jul 10, 2006
    1,213
    south lanarkshire
    Hi Chris

    I know with my Mum and Dad it became increasingly more difficult for them to choose an outfit, if they had to be anywhere at a certain time in the morning.

    Clothes would end in a pile on the floor and Mum would become very agitated.

    If your Mum isn't too bad at the moment and by the sound of your post, she certainly appears to enjoy life, could you arrange for a carer or someone to go in the morning, to help her dress, or at least organise clothes?

    Eventually, your Mum may have to go into full time care, but if her main problem is sorting an outfit and getting herself to outings on time, then that isn't soo bad and nothing that can't be solved, if she will accept help.

    Best of luck
    Alfjess
     

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