2weeks isolation in new nursing home for covid

[lushr]

so i sent my mum to a nursing home on wednesday and she is in isolation because of covid do i can’t visit. the change has made her confused, she. aces up stories to make sense of where she is. but every second or third phone call she starts insisting on going home, she can’t live like this...

it’s so stressful anc i’m feeling so angry, i’ve worked so hard to get her there, ive just moved house and now im dealing with moving her and her house and .... she can just call out of the blue and act like a two year old insisting things be different... do i lie to her? do i placate her?

i desperately need a break, i’m constantly juggling work with unpacking my house and tradies and then the massive amounts of paperwork which are impossible when i’m stuck at home and not supposed to go out because of covid.

im just so angry and sick of repeating over and over why she is in a nursing home.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @lushr. Welcome to Dementia Talking Point.

I don`t understand why people with dementia in care homes have phones. I suppose the fact most people use mobile phones now is partly to blame but it`s something I would discourage whole heartedly.

Your mother will have little or no ability for a remote discussion especially if she had little or no ability for a face to face discussion and the sooner the phone can be `lost`, the better in my opinion.

I hope this doesn`t sound too cruel but little can be gained from these phone calls which I`m sure you are finding out.

Meanwhile, while she is still phoning you could you tell her you are in the process of moving house and cannot help her until you are settled. Perhaps if she thinks she is in temporary residence she will calm down and eventually settle.

 

[Duggies-girl]

so i sent my mum to a nursing home on wednesday and she is in isolation because of covid do i can’t visit. the change has made her confused, she. aces up stories to make sense of where she is. but every second or third phone call she starts insisting on going home, she can’t live like this...

it’s so stressful anc i’m feeling so angry, i’ve worked so hard to get her there, ive just moved house and now im dealing with moving her and her house and .... she can just call out of the blue and act like a two year old insisting things be different... do i lie to her? do i placate her?

i desperately need a break, i’m constantly juggling work with unpacking my house and tradies and then the massive amounts of paperwork which are impossible when i’m stuck at home and not supposed to go out because of covid.

im just so angry and sick of repeating over and over why she is in a nursing home.

Hi @lushr Don't explain because it doesn't work. Just make an excuse or 'love lie' as it is called on here. Tell her it is only for a short while, temporary while she gets better or until you sort out her house. It seems awful but it may placate her for the moment. If you tell her she cannot come home she will not be able to take it in or accept it so you have to just make something up. Seems awful and goes against the grain but it is better for her.

 

[lemonbalm]

Hello @lushr . Any move to a different environment is likely to increase confusion. Your mum isn't saying these things to irritate you. She is probably very confused, possibly rather frightened and looking for reassurance, and won't remember having asked you the same question before. There are residents at my mum's care home who will sometimes ask the same question every few minutes, like broken records.

The staff should be doing all they can to settle your mum but it's pretty tricky at the moment with the requirement for isolation. Does she have any medication to help with anxiety?

As @Grannie G and @Duggies-girl have already said, it's best to keep telling "love lies" and keep saying that she's just there until (insert reason here). I am still doing this for my mum after more than 3 years. It gets easier after a while. Last time I spoke to mum she was upset because she thought she was lost in a shop and didn't know where to go. I found myself saying that there was a nice hotel upstairs, where I'd booked her a room, so not to worry, just sit down and let the nice assistants bring her a cup of tea....

Sorry, I know it's difficult when you're already stressed out but it's not your mum's fault.

 

[lushr]

thank you so much for your advice.

its the first time i’ve lost my patience and gotten mad because i know she is scared and lonely and most of the time she is doing great. it’s the fact that my telling her what’s happening is having less effect, she’s resisting that story, blocking it out... so i guess... “just for a while” will be the new story.

telling her she was confused used to work, she would realise how sick she was and that she needed care, but tonight, it was beside the point. she wanted out. i know the nurses just tell her, ok we will call a taxi in the morning. atleast i know she won’t actually leave, she is safe, the staff are amazing.

i am spending so much time and money getting her gifts to help her settle in, a teddy bear for cuddles, a dementia music player filled with her favourite music, and puzzles of her home in ireland which she misses terribly.

so i guess when she rejects my kind and rational explanations and all the work and gifts i’m trying to make her happy with i just.... i want a weekend! i want to turn my new home from a jungle gym to a comfortable place... i’m tired... i want to hand the reigns to someone else!

after the quarantine i might lose the phone. but for now it’s the only social contact she has other than nurses in full PPE.

thank you for the tips. between you all, and a valium, i feel ready for a new day... tomorrow....,

louisa