20th Anniversary of my dad’s passing & remembering my mum too

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,270
0
East Midlands
So today marks the 20th anniversary of my dad’s passing & my first experience of Alzheimer’s as he too had it. He was very different to how my mum was with it though. Like chalk & cheese really. It seemed to make him a lot calmer. He also had the slow kind of non Hodgkins Lymphoma - he had that for about 10 yrs & I believe that was what speeded up & killed him in the end.
I would like to thank all the people on here who have contributed positively to my threads.
 
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DianeW

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Sep 10, 2013
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Lytham St Annes
Regarding remembering anniversaries etc, i enjoy those special days of reflection and remembrance.
 
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Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,270
0
East Midlands
Regarding remembering anniversaries etc, i enjoy those special days of reflection and remembrance.

I talked to one of my friends today & we mentioned how we always seem to remember the 0 & 5 year anniversaries of stuff in a more poignant way. It is 40 yrs since his mum died this year, he was only 14 when he lost her. Such a young age. And we also talked about how probate has stuffed us up! Big sore point for him
& for me. But I had a drink for my dad tonight so I hope he is trying to sort things out for me xx
 

MaNaAk

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Jun 19, 2016
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Essex
Dear Kikki,

You are an amazing daughter for having looked after both of your parents with dementia. Mum had non-lymphoma hodgkins in the 70s and she survived for 32 years before succumbing to a heart condition.

MaNaAk
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,270
0
East Midlands
Dear Kikki,

You are an amazing daughter for having looked after both of your parents with dementia. Mum had non-lymphoma hodgkins in the 70s and she survived for 32 years before succumbing to a heart condition.

MaNaAk
Ah thank you @MaNaAk - it was my mum who looked after my dad really. I did what I could back in the day but I had moved out of the family home by then & had a job & house of my own. My dad was very accepting of the Alzheimer’s, he just did as he was told which was good for my mum. It has thrown up a bit of a mystery as my mum either knew my dad was dying or it came as a shock to her as my sister said they had no idea how ill my dad was.

I didn’t even know why he was in hospital. He was taken in quite suddenly & seemed in good spirits right till the last evening we saw him. The next time we saw him, he had already slipped into a coma. I do think my mum knew as I found a letter she wrote to him, that evening before & I think she had been told that he wouldn’t be going home.
Your mum did very well with her NHL that’s an incredible length of time. Memories are all so bitter sweet at times.
 

Karen22

Registered User
Nov 3, 2012
88
0
My parents both died with dementia - my mum had Alzheimer's and my dad Vascular Dementia - but their journey through it was so different, although their endings could both have been better, especially my dad's. I was plunged into dad's illness soon after my mum died so don't feel I grieved properly for my mum. Now dad has gone things keep coming up about both of them. It's such a hard journey and, with no other family apart from my husband whose parents are still alive, there's no-one to share it with, as there was no-one to share the huge load as they died. You have my heartfelt sympathies.
Karen
 

DesperateofDevon

Registered User
Jul 7, 2019
3,274
0
My parents both died with dementia - my mum had Alzheimer's and my dad Vascular Dementia - but their journey through it was so different, although their endings could both have been better, especially my dad's. I was plunged into dad's illness soon after my mum died so don't feel I grieved properly for my mum. Now dad has gone things keep coming up about both of them. It's such a hard journey and, with no other family apart from my husband whose parents are still alive, there's no-one to share it with, as there was no-one to share the huge load as they died. You have my heartfelt sympathies.
Karen
Oh my lovely , I’m an ( adopted) only child & ive just lost Dad a month ago & Aged Mothers at end stage dementia; my tummy mummy past 18 months ago.
To be honest I haven’t had a chance to grieve properly, just like life - dementia doesn’t take a breath it just keeps on going.
Even after death, dementia leaves a bitter taste & painful memories. Oh yes I have hilarious anecdotes of funny incidents dementia related, but also the sympathy for a bereavement is tinged with - at least ( name ) is not suffering anymore!

But I am tortured by the experience, the continual battles to get help, the ridiculous systems & protocols of social services etc. I’m angry, upset, confused, bereft & lost.

So you aren’t alone my lovely, I’m struggling with Dads passing & the horrors of dementia. I want all of this to mean something... I want some positivity to come out of so much pain & distress. I almost feel guilty for being alive how sad is that.
logically I know that this is part of grieving but emotionally I’m a wreck. trying to find positivity & actually failing on a daily basis.
my grand plans of being the best version of myself ..... pah! Maybe we are meant to wallow & then re- emerge come spring shedding our grief & getting used to the new softer version ...
Lets hope shall we
Xx
 

Karen22

Registered User
Nov 3, 2012
88
0
Oh my lovely , I’m an ( adopted) only child & ive just lost Dad a month ago & Aged Mothers at end stage dementia; my tummy mummy past 18 months ago.
To be honest I haven’t had a chance to grieve properly, just like life - dementia doesn’t take a breath it just keeps on going.
Even after death, dementia leaves a bitter taste & painful memories. Oh yes I have hilarious anecdotes of funny incidents dementia related, but also the sympathy for a bereavement is tinged with - at least ( name ) is not suffering anymore!

But I am tortured by the experience, the continual battles to get help, the ridiculous systems & protocols of social services etc. I’m angry, upset, confused, bereft & lost.

So you aren’t alone my lovely, I’m struggling with Dads passing & the horrors of dementia. I want all of this to mean something... I want some positivity to come out of so much pain & distress. I almost feel guilty for being alive how sad is that.
logically I know that this is part of grieving but emotionally I’m a wreck. trying to find positivity & actually failing on a daily basis.
my grand plans of being the best version of myself ..... pah! Maybe we are meant to wallow & then re- emerge come spring shedding our grief & getting used to the new softer version ...
Lets hope shall we
Xx
Yes, let's hope so. Thank you. x
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,270
0
East Midlands
My parents both died with dementia - my mum had Alzheimer's and my dad Vascular Dementia - but their journey through it was so different, although their endings could both have been better, especially my dad's. I was plunged into dad's illness soon after my mum died so don't feel I grieved properly for my mum. Now dad has gone things keep coming up about both of them. It's such a hard journey and, with no other family apart from my husband whose parents are still alive, there's no-one to share it with, as there was no-one to share the huge load as they died. You have my heartfelt sympathies.
Karen

Thank you for posting & you also have my best sympathy. For me, things have taken a huge turn for the worst with the appalling behaviour of the executor of my mum’s will. It’s one thing to lose a parent but to then have to have a battle with someone who is meant to be trustworthy & isn’t.... that is really a nightmare scenario.
Family wise - there are not a lot left on my mum’s side of the family - & less because she managed to estrange herself to some of them.
You soon learn who your friends are. A lot of people fell by the wayside when it came to actually helping.
It will take time to get over it all, that is for sure x