1. MrLeeSP

    MrLeeSP Registered User

    Jan 8, 2016
    Hi all, my mum is returning from a week respite (her first) and we are extremely worried how she will settle back in. According to the home she has been very 'non compliant' quite aggressive and generally not settled. Any suggestions how to settle her back in? How to explain what is happening to her? etc...would be much appreciated. Kind regards, Lee
  2. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    I hope being being back in her familiar surroundings is enough to settle her.
  3. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    Hello Lee

    Welcome to Talking Point.

    Did your mum show signs of aggression and non compliance at home or is it just the change to residential care which might have caused it?

    If she is usually a bit aggressive at home behave as you normally would.

    If this kind of behaviour is new, it may be caused through fear and confusion and the best way to handle it , I think would be to reassure her.

    I wouldn`t promise she won’t go again or even mention the future. I`d tell her it was to help recover her failing strength and health.

    Please don`t feel guilty. It`s best she gets used to care from others for short spells just in case she needs permanent residential care in the future or if anything happens which prevents you taking full responsibility.
  4. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    #4 Shedrech, Jan 9, 2016
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2016

    Hello Lee
    Welcome to the forum - much sympathy and kind words to be found here - along with lots of information
    I hope the respite was a good break for your dad and sister :) Please don't let the homes comments put you off future respite breaks, it would have been wonderful if your mum had settled perfectly, but it doesn't often work that way - and her carers need the time to themselves

    I think Cat27 and Grannie G have it right - familiar surroundings, familiar routine and familiar faces - personally I'd slip right back into what worked for you all before, plus any tweaks you've realised, given the break, will help you support her - personally, I'd be behaving as though she'd not been away, no big welcome, just calm and quiet - and see how she responds

    if she is anxious use lots of compassionate communication (see link at top) - don't let her dwell on anything negative, just don't engage with any bad comments, as you don't want to build up her resistance - either be vague, lots of ums and ahs, or find something she did enjoy and praise the home for it - I found reminding my dad about the good parts of his day care meant he was happier with it overall eg "Bet you had another good lunch again today, dad, they do take care of you well, don't they"

    I hope your mum settles back well and you all feel the benefit of the respite
  5. MrLeeSP

    MrLeeSP Registered User

    Jan 8, 2016
    Many thanks for your responses! The link is really useful.
    The feedback from the home was not entirely a surprise, Mum does often get verbally aggressive/abbusive, particularly toward my sister as she spends the most time directly caring. Dad is the only one who seems to be able to calm her when she 'blows'. It should be said though, this is totally out of character from how she has led her life before the illness. I'm 44 and heard my mum swear for the first time recently!! .
    Moving on from this, we have now realised we cannot cope and despite it being a living nightmare we must look for a permanent home, no doubt I'll be back for further advise. Thanks again, your support is much appreciated!!
  6. Ellaroo

    Ellaroo Registered User

    Nov 16, 2015
    #6 Ellaroo, Jan 10, 2016
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 10, 2016
    Your mum sounds very similar to my mum. I had to battle with council for respite provider to continue taking her. The contractors were cherry picking and accused mum of being rascist , upsetting service users and staff etc.
    I argued mum didnt have capacity to be rascist and stati g that she didn't want care from brown staff was because their english wasnt so good and they had an accent. Mum is deaf and wont accept she has anything wrong with her.
    After several months ive found somewhere local , plenty of room to wander safely and seems to be working yippe happy days.
    Mum would be mortified if she knew all hassle i am having .
    Best wishes regarding your mum Xx
  7. Shedrech

    Shedrech Volunteer Moderator

    Dec 15, 2012
    Seems as though the respite break worked for your family, in giving you the time and energy to really consider the future
    it's a tough decision to make to look for a care home placement, however the respite has shown you all that it is now necessary so you can go ahead knowing for sure that this is the best for your mum and for your dad
    I wish you all well
  8. tigerlady

    tigerlady Registered User

    Nov 29, 2015

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