“A Self Analysis”

Discussion in 'I have dementia' started by Barry, Jul 12, 2015.

  1. Barry

    Barry Registered User

    Oct 14, 2006
    This morning I caught sight on myself in Sumi’s dressing table mirror which made me abruptly stop and look deeply at the figure gazing back at me to see if I could observe any physical changes in my being after ten and a half years with this terrible illness.

    I looked deep and hard, but all I thought I could see was what I take to be the normal physiology of “Me” my body size and weight still look the same, I don’t think that I appear frail, when looking in the mirror, I didn’t seem to be slouching, neither did I notice any agitation in my limbs, although I must admit that my eyes appear a bit shallow with slight bags under my eyes. So why is it when Sumi and I go out walking that people keep staring at me as though I have two heads or some other type of terrible physical problem? As to my mind I am still perfectly OK...

    I know I have “Mixed Dementia” and I can still recognize all the changes taking place in my mind and body day after day, I can still feel all the anxiety and anguish every moment of every day and I know that at times I can become extremely frustrated and especially when typing and constantly mistyping and incorrectly spelling words, and I can still tell when I am becoming extremely anxious from excessive noise and other irritating sounds that vibrate through my brain like a pneumatic drill, and I can still grasp that I lose the thread of things that I am saying or even as I’m typing them...

    But despite what I thought I saw in the mirror in the morning Sumi tells me that I do slouch badly and stumble when I walk, so much so that I have to use a walking stick to maintain my balance and Sumi said that the only other really noticeable thing that would indicate that I have a serious illness is in my speech and that’s only when I am extremely fatigued at the end of the day.

    It seems that some people with this terrible illness lose all their awareness extremely quickly, but why is it that some of us can still be almost completely aware of what’s happening in what I call the “Knowing” and it’s the ‘Knowing’ that really gets to me and that is very hard to fight against, ‘Yet’ we can’t do anything to avert the problems, all we can do is to try our best in fighting the problems back least we topple into the abyss of non-awareness...

    Barry Pankhurst
    Living with Mixed dementia in Indonesia
  2. starryuk

    starryuk Registered User

    Nov 8, 2012
    Hi Barry,

    I am always so happy to see you posting. You are amazing. Do you do any baking these days? How is Sumi? and your little grandaughter?

    As to self awareness, I don't know. But I always suspected that my mum, who was over 90 when her dementia progressed significantly, understood a lot more than she could communicate verbally. We did a lot of sign language and written notes from me. She was a highly intelligent woman who won a scholarship to Cambridge then did secret things in the war.

    Perhaps it has something to do with the kind of analytical brain she had and probably you have too.

    You are as usual, doing such a valuable job in teaching us about this disease. We need your insight. Thank you, Barry

  3. Tara62

    Tara62 Registered User

    That's a very moving post, Barry. You're a good writer!
  4. Grey Lad

    Grey Lad Registered User

    Sep 12, 2014
    North East Lincs
    Thank you for another moving post. Hearing from you really helps me with my struggle to understand what is happening to my beautiful wife. She sleeps a lot these days and I hope that is a time when she is still at peace with this dreadful condition spoiling her waking hours..
  5. Countryboy

    Countryboy Registered User

    Mar 17, 2005
    Hi Barry hope your ok , great thread and once again I agree with all your comments Buddy , but I must say we have both accepted our diagnoses of dementia from the start and we have ourselves work our way through or around the problems and got on with our lives but unfortunately we are also getting older and we know ageing can bring on other minor or major medical problems lets face which can be far more difficult for us to self manage , I was diagnoses with dementia aged 57 the dementia didn’t bother me and it doesn't now it hasn’t slowed me down in 16 years or in any way contributed to my other medical issues , but now at 72+ its old age slowing me down and we can’t really stop ageing so keep going Buddy don’t worry because we won’t be here for ever
  6. Barry

    Barry Registered User

    Oct 14, 2006
    Thank you all my friends for your positive thoughts, and YES (StrryUK) I still do my baking each week and Sumi is OK, although I'm sure that at times she must get very exhausted by me. Your right Tony age is catching up with us which is just an added issue ;);)

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