Daily I read ' talking point' posts, in those few hours between getting into bed and falling asleep, when I can't sleep as my mum is moving around and refusing to sleep, and, my own thoughts won't let me sleep. I love my mum to bits, and whilst she is indeed a real pain sometimes I'm nowhere near the stage where I'm needing to think about putting her in a home. But, i've just changed as a person, for the worse. I've lost all my get up and go, I can't even get up at a decent hour. I just feel like my reason for being is to cook, clean, counsel, calm down, administer meds, deal with all someone else's personal admin, organise someone else's diary on a one to one basis, all hours of the day at the expense of everything else in life. I'm an absent minded non smiling mother to my baby. And when my mum is particularly disturbing or delusional, it hurts me so badly and I find absolutely no consolidation in thinking it's her illness, not her. The heartbreaking fact is that she is very lost to the illness, but I still love and comfort her all the same. I don't see my friends anymore as it's only really my younger brother who can come and stay with my mum during the day, but he chops and changes his plans because of his own irregular work and I hate letting my friends down. I don't have any energy to exercise or anything, I just stay at home eating everything in sight and wearing the same clothes as nothing else fits.
The only area of my life in which I have any energy or passion left (other than love for darling baby) is my absolutely earth moving fury at my elder brother, my invisible sibling. Though not walking away from my ill mum I have been plunged to the depths of despair and I've basically lost everything that made me, me, my friends, my work and identity, my earning power and my positivity. He walked away, hasn't seen my mum for a year, calls her two minutes every three months after I beg, and appears to be entirely happy whereas I'm really suffering because I'm the sole carer. Is there anything I can do to help myself?