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  1. #16
    Registered User Loopiloo's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2010
    Quote Originally Posted by Grannie G View Post
    Your auntie will most probably have forgotten how much she upset your cousin, while your cousin will be in danger of letting this fester and change her compassion for your auntie for a long time.

    I know to my cost how hurtful these comments are. The long term memory rakes up incidents which are thought done and dusted. I do hope your cousin will be able to let them go eventually and return to visiting your aunt.

    I have to say, comments like these do affect feelings towards the person with dementia, however much we know they cannot help themselves. It would take a saint not to be hurt.
    How true, Sylvia, how true.

    It is not only the verbal hatred but that awful look of hatred in the eyes. But you do have to not let it fester within, the person with dementia has forgotten it all within minutes. Sadly it does affect feelings towards them, but for self preservation you have to try to find ways around it, learn to become "thick skinned". Not easy.

    Sheila, all you can do is wait and see if your cousin eventually comes round, but not easy for her when she knows what you did not know about past family conflicts. Plus possibly your aunt's behaviour brought pain from remembering her own experiences with her late father who had AD and sounds to have been aggressive in speach and physically to her and her mother. Possibly a combination of both, if she is not the crying type. I am sorry.

    Yes, it is a funny old world. I remember at my father-in-law's funeral his sister tore into their late sister's daughter about some past feud and the poor girl knew nothing about it, not having been born when it happened.

    Hope you are feeling better, your cold and cough easing.

    Loo xx

  2. #17
    Registered User SheilaL's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2010
    South Lakes
    I am better thanks. Just back from seeing auntie. Just me today, but within 5 minutes her next words were 'aren't X & Y coming?' This is my cousin and her hubby who visit at evening time. I just assured her that they'd be there after tea (hope so - haven't checked with them!).

    She wasn't too bad but a bit grumpy and kept complaining, as usual, that I don't speak loudly enough. I explained (nth time) that I couldn't exactly shout in a ward full of poorly people. I think I'll end up getting a huge sticking plaster to get her to wear her dratted hearing aid!

    Some progress (of a kind). Till now, she's insisted on having help getting into bed. As I was on my own, I told her straight - 'Don't ask me to get you into bed, otherwise we'll both end up in a heap.' Lo and behold, with the aid of her stick, she got in herself! I'm beginning to wonder whether some of the little ploys are akin to what a child does to get his/her own way? Canny, eh?
    Someone, somewhere colours us cheerful. We'd cry otherwise

    Niece, Carer Wearing 'L' Plates

    'I'm an old man and I've known many troubles - But most of them never happened'Mark Twain

  3. #18
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Feb 2008
    this all felt horribly familiar. My father had Alzheimers and died last year. My mother has had it for about 3 years and my sister and I just took her into a care home this week. My father used to rage against me with my sister there and also against my mother (they divorced 40 years ago). My mother rages against my father, her sister, her stepsons and anyone else that takes her fancy. How I respond really depends on how strong I feel on the day. It goes from feeling totally devasted to very defensive to being able to brush it off. Last week it was the first of these and today was the last. There is just no easy answer. Alezheimers takes away that stop button which most of us have in terms of not going beyond a certain point of civility. However, it sometimes can bring out other truths which can also be quite positive. This definitely happened with my father.

  4. #19
    Registered User
    Join Date
    Apr 2007
    North Derbyshire
    I have read this thread with great interest and sympathy, but none of it applies to me nor ever did. There was just me and mum. Dad was dead. Mum's sisters dead. No siblings for me. Dad's siblings all dead except one who is housebound.

    Mum was never a live-wire when young, and she was lucky to escape much change of personality through AD. I have been so fortunate. I cannot imagine how it is for your mum to be slating you or another relative, or to be criticising when you are doing your best.

    I sympathise, I really do, but remember you can only do your best.




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