Should we bring mum home for a visit?

[allyart]

We recently lost our father who had been mum's full time carer. When he died, the full extent of mum's dementia became apparent and after trying to care for her at home, we realised that she needed to go into a home. Whilst at home, mum had said that she thought that would be best for her as she is very lonely at home, even with us there full time, and even with the maximum amount of carers at home for her, she couldn't be left alone for even an hour without becoming very distressed.

All of us children live a fair distance away from mum, apart form one of us. Myself and one of my sisters have to travel some distance to visit and are still staying at her house when we do. We are wondering if it would be ok to bring her to her old family home that we have kept on for now, just for a visit to stay for a few nights, whilst we are there, as she the hate hates it at the home. She cries everytime we see her and begs to come home. It's heartbreaking.Sometimes she gets angry.But it's impossible to explain that she can't stay here on her own. Would it be fool hardy to bring her home whilst we are here? Or will it disturb her even more?

[Beate]

It's honestly not a good idea. It takes some time to settle into a new home, and bringing her back to her old one is not going to help, it's just going to confuse her more, plus how will she react when you take her back to the care home?

Have you asked the staff how she behaves when you are not around? Often people are quite happy, but remember their old home when family visits and get tearful. The rest of the time she might be fine.

[allyart]

It's honestly not a good idea. It takes some time to settle into a new home, and bringing her back to her old one is not going to help, it's just going to confuse her more, plus how will she react when you take her back to the care home?

Have you asked the staff how she behaves when you are not around? Often people are quite happy, but remember their old home when family visits and get tearful. The rest of the time she might be fine.

If we take her out for a trip for a coffee somewhere, when we return to the ch, she has no idea where she is....I have to explain to her all over again that we talked about how she might be better off there, and she goes in as though its the first time she's ever been, but quite cheerfully. Then , she might say, 'oooh, I have my hair done there', or there might be the odd flash of recognition. But as soon as she is in there then she just constantly wants to go home. She cries and cries when we arrive.

I have asked the care home how she is. They say that she's not great. But ok. She packs her stuff up everyday and they have had to put a DOLS in place for her as she tries to get out of the gate. She is only ok when there is constant one to one with her. So we have employed carers to take her out everyday for an hour and a half which she never remembers !) But she will burst into tears when we arrive, whatever she is doing. Sometimes that goes on all the time, so we go out with her. Mum tells me that she is depressed. The care home say she is not. My brother has little faith in them, but it's very hard to tell. I live a long long way away, and mum has always been a bit over sensitive which the dementia is definitely making worse. My sister thinks why wouldn't we just bring her home when we are staying here anyway when we have to lie to mum about staying here, which feels awful.

[jenniferpa]

How long has your mum been in the home? Because I do think it can take some time (months even) for people to settle. And to be fair, some people never really settle.

On the whole I would say: not a good idea to bring her back to her old home. But it occurs to me that this might be reassuring for you if you take her back to her old home and she doesn't recognize that either which is a distinct possibility. As she's still unsettled maybe this is the time to do this?

[allyart]

How long has your mum been in the home? Because I do think it can take some time (months even) for people to settle. And to be fair, some people never really settle.

On the whole I would say: not a good idea to bring her back to her old home. But it occurs to me that this might be reassuring for you if you take her back to her old home and she doesn't recognize that either which is a distinct possibility. As she's still unsettled maybe this is the time to do this?

She's only been there since April / May. I think she will know it. She says it very clearly, and asks if her house is still there. That's exactly our quandary ....if she is so unsettled, will it make a difference....would it reassure her that there is something familiar still here. Or would it make going back to the home so awful and set her back? We would hate to do something and make it worse for mum. She says that she is desperate for things that are familiar, but I am so worried that it won't help much and will make it harder for her.

[LadyA]

Have you brought things from her home into her room at the Care Home? Not huge things, but little things, maybe her bedside table, a favourite chair for her room, pictures (but scan them and only take in copies, not originals, as they could go missing!), favourite ornaments etc. That might help her feel more settled, if she has some familiar things around her.

[Grannie G]

I would advise against taking your mother home too.

Taking her back to her own home is one thing but then taking her away from it and back into residential care could be really traumatic, especially as she’s hasn`t really settled there yet.

Is it worth taking the chance.

[allyart]

Have you brought things from her home into her room at the Care Home? Not huge things, but little things, maybe her bedside table, a favourite chair for her room, pictures (but scan them and only take in copies, not originals, as they could go missing!), favourite ornaments etc. That might help her feel more settled, if she has some familiar things around her.

Yes. but she packs them up everyday. I had loads of photos put into frames for her, but she packs the whole lot away on a daily basis.The care home have stopped unpacking them now so they sit in bags. Unless we unpack them all, but she just packs 'em all up again. But she never packs the two little ornaments that belong to the CH!

[allyart]

I would advise against taking your mother home too.

Taking her back to her own home is one thing but then taking her away from it and back into residential care could be really traumatic, especially as she’s hasn`t really settled there yet.

Is it worth taking the chance.

Ok. Thanks so much for your time and experience. It's really hard when your mother is saying "Look, I WANT TO GO HOME" and I can't explain to her that she isn't able to look after herself, even with carers. Like I said, i couldn't even leave her for an hour to walk the dogs, and that was with a huge big notice saying where I was, my phone number, and when exactly i would be back.It's so horrible having to lie to her about where we are staying.

[Chemmy]

I can't see that taking her back would be a positive move. More likely a reminder of the life she's left behind - and I mean that in the wider sense, not just bricks and mortar. None of us can turn back the clock, however much we'd like to.

My mum wore her coat and carried her shopping bag around with her every day in the CH for the first six months. No, she didn't settle to start with, but she had been even more unhappy home alone.

Maybe you could write yourself a list of the reasons why you decided on full time care and stick it on the fridge as a reminder when you have an attack of the wobbles about your decision?

[allyart]

I can't see that taking her back would be a positive move. More likely a reminder of the life she's left behind - and I mean that in the wider sense, not just bricks and mortar. None of us can turn back the clock, however much we'd like to.

My mum wore her coat and carried her shopping bag around with her every day in the CH for the first six months. No, she didn't settle to start with, but she had been even more unhappy home alone.

Maybe you could write yourself a list of the reasons why you decided on full time care and stick it on the fridge as a reminder when you have an attack of the wobbles about your decision?

It's not so much that we wobble about our long term decision, more that we are wondering if it would be ok to bring her home, here to be with us when we are able to come up and visit, as that way, maybe she would be a bit more settled and we could spend more quality time with her. But we are worried about the impact that it might have when she goes back ( not that she is settled there) but whether it will make that process worse and actually just confuse her even more.

[Chemmy]

I can see the attraction of having her back home when you're staying up there on a visit, as spending time as a relative in a CH is like hospital visiting, isn't it? You sort of want to be there, but time just seems to drag (or maybe that's just me)

Have you tried taking her out - for a walk, in a wheelchair or in the car - to see how she reacts when returning to the CH? I did that with Mum in the early days and it was fine, especially as they made such a fuss of her when she got back. But I never considered taking her back to her old house whenever I was staying there. That didn't seem wise.

[canary]

I think you are right to fear that it could make it worse when its time to go back. Whether she remembers it as her old home or not it will unsettle her being away from the routine of her care home.

Many people with dementia keep asking to go home - it is an almost universal theme. Yet what they are asking for is not just a return to their old home, it is a desire to leave the confusion of dementia and go back to a time and place when they understood what was happening, knew who people were and felt safe. If you ask her about her home you may even find that it is not the family home that she left when she went into the care home, but some other place (possibly even a fantasy place). I was astounded the first time mum described the home she wanted to go and realised that it wasnt the bungalow she had left, or even the family house she had lived in for 30 years, but her childhood home that had been bombed in the war.

You said that ".It's so horrible having to lie to her about where we are staying." Please dont worry about that - dementia leaves people unable to understand and unable to reason. There is no way that you will be able to explain why she is in a care home, so its best not to try. You also dont want to remind her that you are staying in her home and she cant, so unfortunately, lying is the only way. It known on here as love lies - I have also heard it referred to as Therapeutic Untruths - as they are said because you want to minimise her distress.

[allyart]

I can see the attraction of having her back home when you're staying up there on a visit, as spending time as a relative in a CH is like hospital visiting, isn't it? You sort of want to be there, but time just seems to drag (or maybe that's just me)

Have you tried taking her out - for a walk, in a wheelchair or in the car - to see how she reacts when returning to the CH? I did that with Mum in the early days and it was fine, especially as they made such a fuss of her when she got back. But I never considered taking her back to her old house whenever I was staying there. That didn't seem wise.

Yes, exactly re hospital visit. Yeah, we take her out and she is ok.....there's always this feeling with mum that on some level she knows that something is wrong....occasionally something peeps through and she will say " I do know what you all do for me, and thank you" though never since she has been in the CH. When she comes back to the CH, it's as if she has never seen it before...." What's this ?" is the kind of thing she will say. Then she walks through the place as though she has never been there before. But then she will say, 'oh that's where I get my hair done'. Sometimes when I phone her ( The worst....I hate phoning her now......tears, tantrums even " I WANT TO GO HOME") she has said to me " All I know is what I can see in front of me right now." There's a weird kind of awareness for her about what is happening sometimes, and her mantra is " I just need to get my head straight...I don't quite know where i'm up to...."But since she has been in the CH it has changed to `' I want to go home' Constantly. When my brother cleared out her handbag for her, along with the stashed biscuits, he found little scraps of paper with her home address written on , and also with my dad's name on ( he just died 3 months ago )

[Chemmy]

Sadly, 'I WANT TO GO HOME' is very very common.

At an AS meeting, it was explained to me that it more often than not means 'I want things to go back to the way things were', not necessarily back to a physical house, which sadly, they don't always recognise anyway.

It's much the same as an 80-year-old asking for their long-deceased mum. It seems to be an instinctive feeling, along the lines of 'I know that things aren't right but my mum would sort it out and make everything better'. My mum used to introduce me to people as her mum; once I realised this was actually a compliment - I was someone she loved and felt safe with - I found the situation much easier to accept.