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Thread: Depression

  1. #16
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    I'm suffering from depression too. My dad was diagnosed with early onset FTD in the summer of 2014 and the diagnosis was a long time coming; he had been having appointments at the memory clinic as early as 2011 and probably had dementia for at least 3 years before that.ing

    The start of 2014 saw a very sharp decline, he had to stop work and staying home alone for even short periods of time was a bad idea. Work patterns had to change for all of us.

    Like some of you have mentioned, my mum was dreading her retirement.

    After my mum's death a couple of years ago my dad really deteriorated quickly and needed constant supervision. Being in my twenties it's been hard to give up on things I thought I might have been otherwise doing, career, relationships, family etc. Being selfish, I feel as though I've lost a lot of time, time that I can never get back.

    Between my mum's death and my dad's dementia, depression has hit me very hard. I naïvely thought I'd feel much better once my dad moved into full time care earlier in the year. Though deep down I know this isn't how even situational depression works. I guess I'm due another trip to the doctors.

  2. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ihtl View Post
    I'm suffering from depression too. My dad was diagnosed with early onset FTD in the summer of 2014 and the diagnosis was a long time coming; he had been having appointments at the memory clinic as early as 2011 and probably had dementia for at least 3 years before that.ing

    The start of 2014 saw a very sharp decline, he had to stop work and staying home alone for even short periods of time was a bad idea. Work patterns had to change for all of us.

    Like some of you have mentioned, my mum was dreading her retirement.

    After my mum's death a couple of years ago my dad really deteriorated quickly and needed constant supervision. Being in my twenties it's been hard to give up on things I thought I might have been otherwise doing, career, relationships, family etc. Being selfish, I feel as though I've lost a lot of time, time that I can never get back.
    I
    Between my mum's death and my dad's dementia, depression has hit me very hard. I naïvely thought I'd feel much better once my dad moved into full time care earlier in the year. Though deep down I know this isn't how even situational depression works. I guess I'm due another trip to the doctors.
    Never think of yourself as being selfish. You are so young and yet you have given up so much and had so much loss already in your life.

    It seems that once you become a carer, you no longer have the right to have your own needs met and that is so wrong. But we seem to impose it on ourselves because we are loving caring people who put our PWD first. But you know the old saying that you can't set yourself alight to keep another person warm.

    Yes, they do need all the care and attention we can give them but at what cost? OH is the one who is ill, (AD but now maybe mixed dementia, cardiac issues) but it has wrecked my life as well.

    It's not just the responsibility we accept when we care for another but the loss of the things we value in our own lives and the fact is that the choices we have are pretty diabolical. For those who choose to walk away, the ramifications for their mental well being are pretty huge. For myself, it was the resentment and anger that I felt about my situation that fuelled my depression and for those who suffer physical exhaustion as a result of their caring this must make it even more difficult.

    It's time for you to get some help for yourself and reclaim your life. I hope you can get things sorted out for your future because you may not think so now but you really do have a future.


    Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

    Isaac Asimov

  3. #18
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    Thank you Lawson58.

    I am trying to be positive about the things I can start doing now, going back to work, aiming to attend university again in a year or two. It's been hard to get back into a rhythm since my dad went into full time care.

    Being at home all day with much less responsibilities has been a recipe for stagnation as far as depression is concerned. I'm very much trying to get out of the habit of staying in bed all morning and not starting to to anything productive until later in the day.

    I have felt envious and resentment (as much as I feel silly about it) towards some friends/acquaintances who have got married, excelled in their careers, have had kids over the last years. Someone mentioned that sometimes you end up being a carer without even noticing, looking back I can definitely see that that was how things were with my dad and even my mum (though she hid how ill she really was).

    I know I have things to look forward to, I just need to work on getting out of this funk and learn to start enjoying life again.

  4. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ihtl View Post
    Thank you Lawson58.

    I am trying to be positive about the things I can start doing now, going back to work, aiming to attend university again in a year or two. It's been hard to get back into a rhythm since my dad went into full time care.

    Being at home all day with much less responsibilities has been a recipe for stagnation as far as depression is concerned. I'm very much trying to get out of the habit of staying in bed all morning and not starting to to anything productive until later in the day.

    I have felt envious and resentment (as much as I feel silly about it) towards some friends/acquaintances who have got married, excelled in their careers, have had kids over the last years. Someone mentioned that sometimes you end up being a carer without even noticing, looking back I can definitely see that that was how things were with my dad and even my mum (though she hid how ill she really was).

    I know I have things to look forward to, I just need to work on getting out of this funk and learn to start enjoying life again.
    And you also need to remember that it takes time to recover from carer burnout, time to recharge the batteries and time to sort out your headspace.

    You still have your dad in your life and you obviously are still carrying the responsibility for him with you so don't expect to suddenly feel well again. It doesn't work that way.

    All the things that you have seen your friends do are not beyond you yet and I believe it is a healthy sign that you are beginning to make plans for the future.

    I also believe that the experiences of caring, the good, the bad and the absolutely dreadful, will one day bring you strength and courage and will influence you in a positive way as you get on with your life.

    Let us know how you get on as we would love to hear.


    Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

    Isaac Asimov

  5. #20
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    Snap! Husband with eoAD. To cut a loooooong story short I recently discovered that my employer offers some free counselling via an agency that matches you with a local counsellor. I phoned up for an interview and qualified for some free face-to-face sessions. It helped to be able to talk honestly to somebody about how i felt about things. Maybe the NHS might offer something similar for you? X

  6. #21
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    I admire your honesty Nameless - it sums up exactly where I am 3 years after my wife's diagnosis. I wonder how I can keep going and have never felt so alone and stressed in my life. So far I have managed without help but have to accept it will only get worse and am trying to arrange time away on my own. The biggest adjustment is moving from being a spouse to being a carer. The loss of emotional intimacy and support which was at the centre of our relationship is gone and I haven't found anything to replace it. I am not sure if I am depressed but the day to day reality is sad, painful and depressing and very lonely despite friends etc.


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  7. #22
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    Depression

    Hi everyone this is my first post I have been reading all your comments and suddenly I am not alone anymore. Like nameless I too am a nurse and work full time caring for people withDementia. My husband was diagnosed last June with vascular dementia following a stroke in April I knew he had Dementia for a couple of years as his personality had changed but I didn't expect him to progress so rapidly. In October he was running a business now he requires 24 hour care he is totally immobile and is really end stage as his weight has dropped from 79kg to 52kgs I miss him so very very much we have been together 38 years since I was 17 and I feel lost, lonely and guilty that I can't look after him myself. I am really struggling to come to terms with losing my best friend.

  8. #23
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    Depression

    Hello Sarahdun, I went to counselling once with my husband, where they inform you of things to organize etc. Went 3 times without my husband to discuss my problems dealing with it. It does help a bit and she thought antidepressants would be a help for a bit. I talk a lot with friends and family too. It's just a lot to adjust to and to get over the initial "snap" and the following ones... tx

  9. #24
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    Quote Originally Posted by Nameless View Post
    Hello Sarahdun, I went to counselling once with my husband, where they inform you of things to organize etc. Went 3 times without my husband to discuss my problems dealing with it. It does help a bit and she thought antidepressants would be a help for a bit. I talk a lot with friends and family too. It's just a lot to adjust to and to get over the initial "snap" and the following ones... tx

    I know - and my snappy comment above perhaps seemed a bit brusque - I think I was seriously depressed about a year on from OH's diagnosis but only sought help about that very recently. Above all I think what I feel is lonely - no real companionship at home and none to look forward to in the future - I cannot in any way 'move on' to any kind of new phase and cannot talk things over with anybody - and that is hard as retirement looms. I have found that working, going to the gym (hard to fit in and quite unusual for me), buying in lots of care and the prospect of moving house to a smaller home that I have chosen and will enjoy is helping. All these things make me feel better - and also seem very good for OH too - but nothing compensates for the loss and yet continual presence of him.

  10. #25
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    Depression

    A lot of people answered honestly of which I'm glad. I was starting to feel totally useless and incompetent thinking why am I coping so badly. But seeing all the answers, shows that it is incredibly painful to come to terms with this diagnosis at any age and carer status.

    Saradun summed it up "nothing compensates for the loss and yet continual presence of him".

    The loneliness, the vastly changed relationship, the stress of dealing with the needs of a dependent spouse (and your own), guilt, uncertainty of the future and grief of losing a partner are a lot to come to terms with.

    And "snap" wasn't brusque, it was more of an understatement, I thing it's more like a nuclear explosion .

  11. #26
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    Depression

    MomaLoz: so nice that you posted

    I'm sorry that your husband has vascular dementia and that it's progressing rapidly.

    Please don't feel guilty. You are doing all you can to look after him, which is a superhuman feat. You know it's impossible to look after someone with dementia 24/7. Getting someone to look after him and going to work probably helps you and your husband more.

    Guilt is one thing I don't feel, but lost (future) and lonely (despite friends and family) are feelings that I can identify with.

    I guess we all know what it's really like to be between a rock and a hard place.

  12. #27
    Registered User Lawson58's Avatar
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    This thread has revealed just how common depression and/or anxiety are in the carer population. We all know that medical and nursing staff and allied professions should have adequate training in dealing with PWD and perhaps that should be extended into also training them in caring for carers.


    Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

    Isaac Asimov

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