Is Mum Right? Does He Know?

[Pisky]

I don't fit into any of the groups mentioned this is the closest. My father has Alzhimers and he lives with my mother. It is my mother that drives us crazy and we have a family dispute as to whether my father can or cannot remember things.

I have realized that dementia is not just about memory loss as there are times where he will remember things or remember several different things and string them together and create a new event. Emotion helps memory.

For instance the consultant was rude to him and he remembers that.

But he went outside and picked blackberries and 5 minutes later he had forgotten about it. He didn't remember my sisters visit at all.

So I had a bit of words with mum last night. She said dad was going outside to smoke every 15 minutes. When she confronted him he said he'd smoke as much as he wanted to.

I do not believe he knew how often he was smoking but my mum is certain that "he knows"

We have had this from her from the start and she will not do things that will help. It took months to get her to write on a white board to help him for example.

So what is the likelihood of him really knowing? And how best to deal with mum in these situations.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Pisky

Welcome to Talking Point. You have posted in the right sub forum.

Your dad will know sometimes and not know sometimes. That is the nature of the illness. Sadly it`s impossible to know when he knows and when he does`t know.

As for the smoking every 15 minutes. My husband would ask what`s for dinner 2 minutes after sitting down after a full meal.

The smoking is unfortunate. Unfortunately confrontation is unlikely work.

I wonder if the following will help your mum.

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...ionate-Communication-with-the-Memory-Impaired

 

[marionq]

The important thing is not who is right or wrong but that you support them where they need it. Living with someone so unpredictable in what they remember is very wearing and your Mum will get fractious. Better to say to her that you understand but if she lets your Dad do what he has to there will be another stage along in due course which might be easier or harder to deal with.

I am telling myself all of the above every day as I am often at the end of my tether with behaviour which I feel my husband should control but when I calm down I know only too well that he is what he is until the illness moves on.

Good wishes to you all.

 

[Pisky]

Is mum right?

The important thing is not who is right or wrong but that you support them where they need it. Living with someone so unpredictable in what they remember is very wearing and your Mum will get fractious. Better to say to her that you understand but if she lets your Dad do what he has to there will be another stage along in due course which might be easier or harder to deal with.

I am telling myself all of the above every day as I am often at the end of my tether with behaviour which I feel my husband should control but when I calm down I know only too well that he is what he is until the illness moves on.

Good wishes to you all.

Thanks you and I agree mum is getting wound up, however unless we can get her to deal with the situation so it is "easier" for her when dealing with him there is little we can do. For my part I take your advice and will try not to argue with her.

 

[Onlyme]

So I had a bit of words with mum last night. She said dad was going outside to smoke every 15 minutes. When she confronted him he said he'd smoke as much as he wanted to.

I do not believe he knew how often he was smoking but my mum is certain that "he knows"

Your Dad is probably following his established routine. He goes outside for a smoke when he feels stressed.

Your Mum stressed him more by having a go at him. He will will feel threatened or out of control so will cover it up by saying he will do what he likes. He probably doesn't remember but he us not going to tell her and give her ammunition!

He will react to his surroundings and do what makes him feel safe. Some sufferers go to bed as their safe place, your Dad's is smoking.

It sounds as if your Mum is trying to dig her heels in and hope the disease will go away. Could she see someone to discuss these life changes with?

 

[Pisky]

Welcome to Talking Point. You have posted in the right sub forum.

Your dad will know sometimes and not know sometimes. That is the nature of the illness. Sadly it`s impossible to know when he knows and when he does`t know.

As for the smoking every 15 minutes. My husband would ask what`s for dinner 2 minutes after sitting down after a full meal.

The smoking is unfortunate. Unfortunately confrontation is unlikely work.

I wonder if the following will help your mum.



Thank you yes i agree my dad does that too. The additional problem we have is that he smokes and has been told by the consultant to give up so he can have an op, which I consider totally unreasonable.

I have read a lot of the link, thanks that will help a lot to help us help her.

 

[Pisky]

Your Dad is probably following his established routine. He goes outside for a smoke when he feels stressed.

Your Mum stressed him more by having a go at him. He will will feel threatened or out of control so will cover it up by saying he will do what he likes. He probably doesn't remember but he us not going to tell her and give her ammunition!

He will react to his surroundings and do what makes him feel safe. Some sufferers go to bed as their safe place, your Dad's is smoking.

It sounds as if your Mum is trying to dig her heels in and hope the disease will go away. Could she see someone to discuss these life changes with?

Thanks, I agree this is what I thought was happening which is why I wouldn't back down (the wrong thing to do I know now). I think someone did come and mum has a few techniques but she is instant "he knows" when a lot of the time he doesn't. Another member gave me a link which I am reading. We need to know (thats us daughters) how to deal with mum so she can deal with dad.