Forward Ho!
- Thread starter LadyA
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I used to wonder if it would be a good idea to have "an object" that I would call "The Guilt Monster" so that I could physically beat it to a pulp when it came visiting....
I tried using my sons punch bag once. That didn't work... It burst and the guilt monster had a field day....
Guilt monsters are emotional not physical .... Well done you for beating the guilt monster yesterday
Hugs xxxx
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I tried using my sons punch bag once. That didn't work... It burst and the guilt monster had a field day....
Guilt monsters are emotional not physical .... Well done you for beating the guilt monster yesterday
Hugs xxxx
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
I have the advantage 2Jays. William was in respite 4 times since April - and only once was that scheduled. Each time, it was because things were so desperate, not only for my sake, but for his. He was deteriorating so fast at home, because he wouldn't eat much, wouldn't drink nearly enough, he wasn't getting all his meds (and not getting them in the right way because I had to hide them all in food/drink, and they aren't always suitable for that), he was only being changed in the morning & at night.....etc. And he would go in for respite and would be like a new man. He would gain weight, look so much brighter because of increased fluid intake, be better in himself because of getting his meds properly, be clean & tidy - and every time, I'd be so glad to get him home. And within about four days of being home, he'd be going downhill again. Refusing to drink, eating little, I'd have the stress of hiding his meds again and hoping to get them in to him, the aggression when changing him, the sleepless nights (he sleeps all night in the nursing home - more stimulation durng the day I think), when he would be up 4 and 5 times. So, I do know all this, and keep reminding myself. And by now, he is registered as being in full time care. Our home help and care assistant are cancelled, the Incontinence pad supply clinic has been cancelled, the equipment I had on loan from the Health Service has been returned and my Carer's Allowance has been stopped. Frankly, I couldn't take him home again! Yes, I could apply for all these supports again - but I'd be waiting probably a year or more for them to reinstate the Carer's Allowance. And it took six months for me to get an Occupational Therapist out here to supply a raised toilet seat with a frame! So, it's not an option.
My head knows that William needs the care he is getting in the Nursing Home, and that I couldn't manage him at home. My heart has a very hard time accepting that, especially when he starts crying. But it's like a severely ill child who doesn't want to be in hospital - you couldn't take him home because he cries! So the Guilt Monster can just f*** off out of it!
He has no business coming around here, or to any of us!
My head knows that William needs the care he is getting in the Nursing Home, and that I couldn't manage him at home. My heart has a very hard time accepting that, especially when he starts crying. But it's like a severely ill child who doesn't want to be in hospital - you couldn't take him home because he cries! So the Guilt Monster can just f*** off out of it!
He has no business coming around here, or to any of us!
Know exactly what you are going through and totally agree, heartbreaking though it is. My dau-in-law's mother now seems to be going down the same route. Apparently grandaughter's husband now says there is no hope for her if grandparents on both sides of her family are suffering. They joke now but hope to God there is a cure/delaying solution by the time (she is only 32 now).
BTW, how William's beard growing? Hope it's on its way.
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BTW, how William's beard growing? Hope it's on its way.
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It's the heart that needs cosy barricades smothering it against the world of dementia doesn't it.
Doesn't matter that all logical thinking or reality makes perfect sense.... the heart still hurts....
Hugs xxxxx
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Doesn't matter that all logical thinking or reality makes perfect sense.... the heart still hurts....
Hugs xxxxx
Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
Yes the heart still tugs and I too keep telling the guilt monster to f*** off out of it! We just need the heart and brain to work together!
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Sent from my A1-811 using Talking Point mobile app
Beard is growing, but slowly.
One of William's sons is here visiting with his wife. He hasn't seen William for a number of years (lives overseas, and they are not well off, couldn't get the airfare together). So, we went in to see William this afternoon. Son's wife had to leave the room, she was in tears. She said afterward that it was one thing knowing about how he is from being told. But that actually seeing it, you just can't be prepared for it.
William was happy to see them. Not sure if he understood who they were or not - but he knew they were familiar people, and he was overjoyed to see someone. They brought him (very thoughtful, and practical!) a double-sided photograph - one side shows them with their children now, and the other shows William's son growing up at various ages from babyhood through childhood to today! They had laminated the picture so it won't get damaged too! William was delighted with it. Sadly when e went to leave, William tried to leave with us and got upset. But I phoned later and the staff said he was fine once we left, pottering around, showing everyone the photograph. And the staff member I spoke to said that I should maybe get a member of staff to take William when I am leaving so I can slip out. Today, it was so hard to leave him behind, that his son & daughter in law said that if it was too upsetting for him, they might not go in again to see him. But I think they are reassured after talking to the staff.
One of William's sons is here visiting with his wife. He hasn't seen William for a number of years (lives overseas, and they are not well off, couldn't get the airfare together). So, we went in to see William this afternoon. Son's wife had to leave the room, she was in tears. She said afterward that it was one thing knowing about how he is from being told. But that actually seeing it, you just can't be prepared for it.
William was happy to see them. Not sure if he understood who they were or not - but he knew they were familiar people, and he was overjoyed to see someone. They brought him (very thoughtful, and practical!) a double-sided photograph - one side shows them with their children now, and the other shows William's son growing up at various ages from babyhood through childhood to today! They had laminated the picture so it won't get damaged too! William was delighted with it. Sadly when e went to leave, William tried to leave with us and got upset. But I phoned later and the staff said he was fine once we left, pottering around, showing everyone the photograph. And the staff member I spoke to said that I should maybe get a member of staff to take William when I am leaving so I can slip out. Today, it was so hard to leave him behind, that his son & daughter in law said that if it was too upsetting for him, they might not go in again to see him.
But I think they are reassured after talking to the staff.
Oh LadyA, I am so sorry to read about this. It must have been so hard for you. I do hope his son will visit again, especially as it gave William so much pleasure. The photograph is a lovely idea. We did one for MIL and she was so proud to show everyone her family. More love lies, but if it gets you out the door without distress to William, or indeed you, it matters not. I hope you have been peaceful since. X Love Shelagh
It's difficult to leave even when they are not following isn't it? I'm sure that William settled down soon after. That , of course, doesn't help us when our relative is upset as the feeling stays with us for so long. You are doing well Lady A.
Love from
Lyn T
Love from
Lyn T
So glad to hear of the family visit and sorry to hear of your dau-in-law's upset. It must be hard coming in at this stage and seeing for themselves how far things have progressed. I made collages of family photos with names and relationships on them, one framed for his room and a laminated one to go on his door under his name. The only problem is that he has now lost one pair of glasses and the visiting optician has the other pair trying to straighten them out, so don't think he can really see them now (suffers from AMD) or probably even recognise them. It's a good idea to ask a carer to distract him when you leave. Might prevent some of the upset.
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Been a busy week! William's son is an electrician, and he has put up the new light fittings in my hallway and the living room - what was William's office. I'm delighted with them! The living room one is very feminine - crystal flowers with crystal leaves, a five light fitting - but it's very pretty, after the whacking double tube fluorescent thing that's been in there! They've been going in to see William every day, but just for a few minutes. I go in every other day, and just stay 15 or 20 minutes -any longer and he starts getting upset and wanting to come home, so the staff say that it's best to spend a little time and come fairly often. They also say he is doing really well, although getting him to eat enough is a struggle (I know!)
In other news(!) Lizzy cat has been back to the vet again! She has been licking & scratching at an irritated patch on her back and has literally taken the skin off a large patch! Awful to see, and of course, the more irritated it got, the more she licked and scratched, and the worse it got! I took her in a week ago, and the vet gave her steroid injection, antibiotic injection and we decided that if she wouldn't leave it alone, to put a baby t-shirt on to stop her damaging it! She did look a sight! And it didn't work - she could still get at it with her tongue - and a collar didn't work as she could scratch it, it's just too far back! So, sadly, today he had to "attack" on a several of fronts - collar on ("The Cone of Shame"!), more steroids, and de-claw her back paws!, which meant an anaesthetic, and a corticosteroid gel which will hopefully stop the irritation so she won't be pawing at it so it can heal. Of course, now she can't go out, seeing as she has no claws. She is one very sad cat at the moment! My purse is very sad too! In the last six weeks or so, she has cost me almost 200 euro - with nursing home fees to pay now, and my income much reduced with the Carer's Allowance stopped, I can't afford this! So I hope she will recover, otherwise, I'm afraid I'll have stark choices to make.
In other news(!) Lizzy cat has been back to the vet again! She has been licking & scratching at an irritated patch on her back and has literally taken the skin off a large patch! Awful to see, and of course, the more irritated it got, the more she licked and scratched, and the worse it got! I took her in a week ago, and the vet gave her steroid injection, antibiotic injection and we decided that if she wouldn't leave it alone, to put a baby t-shirt on to stop her damaging it! She did look a sight! And it didn't work - she could still get at it with her tongue - and a collar didn't work as she could scratch it, it's just too far back! So, sadly, today he had to "attack" on a several of fronts - collar on ("The Cone of Shame"!), more steroids, and de-claw her back paws!, which meant an anaesthetic, and a corticosteroid gel which will hopefully stop the irritation so she won't be pawing at it so it can heal. Of course, now she can't go out, seeing as she has no claws. She is one very sad cat at the moment!
My purse is very sad too! In the last six weeks or so, she has cost me almost 200 euro - with nursing home fees to pay now, and my income much reduced with the Carer's Allowance stopped, I can't afford this! So I hope she will recover, otherwise, I'm afraid I'll have stark choices to make.
How nice to get your lights done, proper lighting makes such a difference. Your poor cat she is having a rough time and so is your pocket by the sound of it. I've had a few bills for our little dog lately. I pay for insurance too but of course unless the bill is over a certain amount you can't claim. Just been told that her heart murmur has got worse gone up to 3 verging on 4 out of a possible 6. At the moment she's coping and doesn't need any medication but if that starts I'll be glad of the insurance. She is nearly 12 so she's doing well.
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My cats were rescued strays, I never had them insured. They have cost me a fortune! When these two go, I don't think I'd get another - too expensive. Or if I did, I think I'd just pay the insurance!
Sorry to hear about your poor cat and your poor wallet. Know the feeling as mine has cost me about the same and have only had her for just over 2 months. She too is overgrooming and pulling at her fur but luckily hasn't had any open wounds, just the odd bald patch. The steroid injection didn't work so we are now trying hypoallergenic food and the vet would like to refer her to an animal dermatologist! Have resisted so far as have no pet insurance and if I took it out now, they wouldn't cover the condition as it is pre existing. As I said before, perhaps we should campaign for reduced vet fees for carers particularly where rescue animals are concerned
Your light sounds lovely, by the way, and I'm sure it greatly improves your room.
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Your light sounds lovely, by the way, and I'm sure it greatly improves your room.
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LadyA glad to hear William is doing well and the short visits sound just right for all of you. I am glad his family are able to help out too. What a shame about the poor cat. Once they start with the licking and scratching, it never seems to end, gets in a viscious circle. I do hope the various treatmenfs will have success because the alternative is hard to contemplate. My own experience of rescue cats is that they are either tough as old boots or susceptible to everything in sight, especially allergies. Good luck with that. X Shelagh
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