mum lives alone and has started wandering

[Sussexwench]

Hi,
Am relatively new to site although I read it frequently over the last year. I admire every one of you so much! You are, all of you, heroes in the everyday selflessness, strength and courage that I see displayed here.

My concerns are rather trivial in comparison but I do need advice.
My mother started displaying signs of memory failure about 4 years ago. She refused to go to the doctor but last year I was so desperate, I got the doctor to invite her for check-up. After waiting ages for memory test n scan, she was diagnosed with AD in May. Meanwhile she lives 45 Min away from me ( only child) and I work in a call centre 1hour commute in opposite direction. I have tried to move her to my home town by July, but have been beset by problems in selling her house and buying the extra care accommodation flat we initially selected. She's on track to move into a bungalow at end of next month with home care. She is very witty and social but cannot use a kettle or cook so this would have been ideal. In the last month she has deteriorated sharply and in this last week has started going out and forgetting her key, getting confused where she is and fighting the neighbours (she doesn't recognise them now) who have her spare key. Today they said they are now fed up, the whole street got involved and someone called the police . I go up there practically every weekend for 16 hours and visit Monday Tuesday and Thursday evenings to cook, clean and provide company /outings/entertainment but due to commute don't get there til 6.30 but the incidents happen in early pm. Although I speak to mum during my breaks at work, I cannot use my phone while on duty and have a verbal warning for doing so cos of answering mums calls.

This incident with the police happened today and my lovely supportive partner who helps out on visits was to take me on a weekend break to Budapest this Thursday. I had arranged daily homecare for 1 hour per day while I am away but suddenly this is not enough now. How can I manage to prevent a repeat of today?
Mum,s been referred twice to social care but after assessment says she does not need help other than befriending service (as if that had not occurred to me) and recommended that cshe move nearer me ie a different borough . I had to chase them to get this feedback. GP does not suggest anything. There is no day care near by. Mum stopped going to lunch clubs cos she finds them boring.

I must sound so stupid and selfish but I don't, know what to do at this late hour I m gonna have to cancel the break but its the first I've had for 2 years.

what contingency can I put in place? I want either more day care but don't think agency can supply more at this short notice, or respite - again, v short notice. Then try to find nursing care home n jettison bungalow. This is breaking my heart as mum doesn't want to go to care home. I have sufficient savings for home care or respite and Mum is classed as self funding owing to her house.

Sorry for long post but I have no one else to ask.

Thank you.





S

 

[Rathbone]

Oh, dear Sussexwench, I am so sorry to read your post and to learn of your poor mum's decline. Before I write anything else, let me first say that nothing you can say on here can be selfish and stupid - it just is not allowed! We have our rules you know and top of the list is to know that whatever you are feeling, whatever you are struggling with, one of us or more likely many of us has been there before you. Everything you say will be heard with respect and lovingness, so stop giving yourself a hard time and lean on us.
Having said that, I am not going to be able to give you much practical help, but someone will be along soon I know it. I just really wanted to let you know that I am awake in the wee small hours like you - but I don't have to go to work tomorrow (today) - and that you are not alone and someone is waiting to help you.
You are doing wonderful things already for your mum and it will all come right. Hang on tight. Loving thoughts. X Shelagh

 

[Sussexwench]

Oh, dear Sussexwench, I am so sorry to read your post and to learn of your poor mum's decline. Before I write anything else, let me first say that nothing you can say on here can be selfish and stupid - it just is not allowed! We have our rules you know and top of the list is to know that whatever you are feeling, whatever you are struggling with, one of us or more likely many of us has been there before you. Everything you say will be heard with respect and lovingness, so stop giving yourself a hard time and lean on us.
Having said that, I am not going to be able to give you much practical help, but someone will be along soon I know it. I just really wanted to let you know that I am awake in the wee small hours like you - but I don't have to go to work tomorrow (today) - and that you are not alone and someone is waiting to help you.
You are doing wonderful things already for your mum and it will all come right. Hang on tight. Loving thoughts. X Shelagh

Thank you Shelagh for your kind words, I felt relieved just by posting because of the supportive nature of this community. I hope you got some rest like I did; it makes a world of difference. Hope your day goes well. X

 

[Rathbone]

I did thanks and you too? Here's to a peaceful day for all of us. X Shelagh

 

[Jessbow]

You cannot prevent a repeat of today, but what you can do is react differently. t
its hard, but sometimes its the only way.

Your mother will only come to the attention of the duty social work team if someone calls them - no it wont be nice, and no, she wont be happy, but if something occurs and her only child is out of the country for a whole weekend ( of course you are allowed a life!) Then someone will have to step in.....and they will

You have done what you practically can

If the police or a neighbour call you , either ask them to call ( the police will, neighbour prob not so keen) so take the number with you in case you need to ring them. you are out of the country for the weekend and your mother is in difficulty

 

[Witzend]

I can't help thinking that if SS have advised you to move her closer to you, if this will be out of their area then it looks rather as if they are simply wanting to shift the duty of care elsewhere. I hate to say it, but if your mum is in the habit of wandering she will probably continue to so so, and maybe even more so if she is in a new home and confused by the change. People often wander because they are trying to get back to a previous home, even one from 50 odd years ago.
As someone else has said, if she is wandering and putting herself at risk, then the police should be informed, because I think they are then obliged to inform SS, who cannot then conveniently ignore the issue.

 

[Il Gufo]

Hi Sussexwench,

I really feel for you as I had the same 'wandering' problem with my Mum, before she moved into a care home last October. She lived in a lovely gated cul-de-sac with a daily call from an on-site warden. When her dementia really progressed she started going out at night - fortunately she stayed in the actual close. Her poor neighbours, who were all elderly themselves, would call me asking if they should walk her home. Of course I would go down and talk her into returning to her home. It turned out that Mum didn't recognise her own home, and was trying to get back to her 'other place'.
After discussions with my sister (who lived 2 hours away), we decided that if Mum actually went out into town at night, or was brought home by the police, that would be the tipping point for us being unable to keep her safe. The day came when I had a call from the local police. Mum had been found in the middle of a huge traffic island trying to cross the road! She was very distressed and confused, couldn't remember her address, but could remember my phone number. (She kept changing purses and not transferring my contact details which I had put in her purse). My sister had found a lovely care home near to where she and my brother live months earlier, and we had Mum's name down on their list. Respite care was arranged in just a few days, and Mum has been there ever since. Her lovely home has had to be sold to pay for her care ( luckily we had power of attorney in place). It was a really difficult decision to make - and came after many months of other problems, not just the wandering. The thing is, she was unhappy living where she was because she was frightened as she thought it wasn't her home, and didn't recognise anything in it. She was also not safe - I was terrified she would go into town at night and meet some dreadful fate. Whilst she was not happy when she first went into care, at least she was safe, and that was our main priority. Now, as the dementia has progressed, she is content most of the time, and most importantly she has 24 hour care.

 

[Cloverland]

My dad was a wanderer and caused us real concern when we were at work. We found this site and now have a GPS tracker which is great. There are two ways it can be monitored 24/7. There is a small monthly fee which equates to £250 a year, well worth the peace of mind. It is called 'Bob' as its an easy name for dementia patients to remember and he wears it all the time except when being charged just like a mobile phone, so simple.

Monitor 1 - you ring the call centre any time day or night and they tell you location of tracker (in this case your mum)

Monitor version 2 - a geo fence is set up around your mums property, if this geofence is broken an alert is triggered at call centre and the relevant protocol is put in place. Protocol depends on what you have arranged with company.

We have a geo fence and protocol is that dads two main carers are called, if they are not available I am called and as I know dads social diary I can confirm whether or not dad is wandering. If he is, then the police are called and because he is a vulnerable adult they make a top priority to retrieve him and because he is tracked they now exactly where he is. Perfect, he is safe and I have peace of mind.

http://www.ostrichcare.co.uk/care/gps-trackers.aspx

I am happy to answer more questions on this brilliant device.

 

[halojones]

Hello Sussexwhench IYou have had some very good words of wisdom from all the good people on here.. If I was in your position I would be looking at the solution, which is a c.h..,as your mum has deteriorated (sadly), then its all about her safe long term care, and a lot of people have found them a good place(if I was that ill, I would like to go to a care home.!)...If you can go on your break, it would help you thinking clearly(even though you will probably worry.!)..but if you can't go, then maybe just get everything moving asap...it seems that everyone (except me!) says they don't want to go a c.h...its all so difficult ..I send you much kindness and hope you get into a better situation soon...x