i cant cope no more i dont know what to do its depressing me big time

[sandysan]

hi guys
I am feeling so depressed I don't know what to do , I don't think I can accept my moms got dementia , that we found out recently , she is swearing now and being abusive and nasty to me , and now we have fell out and its made me depressed the way she is acting , I cant take it , I don't have any support I don't know where to go for it , social services don't really want to know my mother as they say she is abusive, she is 80 years old , she doesn't have no proper care or cleaning done for her , I have put my mom first before my house and family but it doesn't seem to be enough for her , now I am getting really frightened myself . when shes alright shes alright , she has a lovely home and I don't want her to go in a home as she will be very difficult sometimes to cope with with her demands , and she is a young 80 year old really , she has been throwing in my face for years that everything is my fault , shes going to dies because of me , and she has drummed that into my head and im scared for when she does die that I am going to hold that with me ,
and myself and my hubby have doen everything we possible can for her decorated taken her out shopping ect , I ma just in bed all day now I don't want to go out or do anything and I don't want to go to my moms im scared and I don't like it , what can I do ?

 

[Grannie G]

Hello sandysan

Please phone the Samaritans.

It`s not only for people who want to take their own lives, it`s for people just like you who don`t know what to do and who need someone to talk to.

If necessary they will send someone local to talk to you in person.

Emotional Health listening services:

Telephone: 08457 90 90 90 (24 hours, seven days a week)

Email jo@samaritans.org

Web Site www.samaritans.org

 

[WIFE]

Sandysan - you need to take yourself to your Doctor first thing tomorrow morning and get the help you need so that you can then face the needs of your Mother. Try to remember that dementia causes people to behave in a way, and say things they do not really mean. I am sure things can be sorted out by the GP and Social Services to make your life and that of your Mother easier for you both to bear.

Try to stay strong - thinking of you.

 

[Cloverland]

You say your mum has been diagnosed with dementia then the social workers should have a bit more sympathy for her behaviour.

My aunts mum use to do the same to her no matter what went wrong it was always my aunts fault, it was a relief albeit sad when her mum died but no more verbal abuse.

Have you thought about going to your own GP for yourself, it is a lot to cope with and if you are finding it difficult perhaps they could prescribe some anti depressants for you. Then speak with your mothers own GP or Mental health team regarding her outbursts and who knows with some support i.e. medication, these could be reduced, making it easier for everyone to deal and cope with.

Meanwhile, perhaps take a step back if you have siblings leave it to them to give yourself a break.

 

[sundaygirl]

hi guys
I am feeling so depressed I don't know what to do , I don't think I can accept my moms got dementia , that we found out recently , she is swearing now and being abusive and nasty to me , and now we have fell out and its made me depressed the way she is acting , I cant take it , I don't have any support I don't know where to go for it , social services don't really want to know my mother as they say she is abusive, she is 80 years old , she doesn't have no proper care or cleaning done for her , I have put my mom first before my house and family but it doesn't seem to be enough for her , now I am getting really frightened myself . when shes alright shes alright , she has a lovely home and I don't want her to go in a home as she will be very difficult sometimes to cope with with her demands , and she is a young 80 year old really , she has been throwing in my face for years that everything is my fault , shes going to dies because of me , and she has drummed that into my head and im scared for when she does die that I am going to hold that with me ,
and myself and my hubby have doen everything we possible can for her decorated taken her out shopping ect , I ma just in bed all day now I don't want to go out or do anything and I don't want to go to my moms im scared and I don't like it , what can I do ?

Hi Sandysan

We've just had the weekend from hell with my father. My mother has been in denial about his condition and refused to have an assessment done at the memory clinic after his GP said he thought my father had dementia. The GP was very concerned for him and arranged for the assessment to be done at home, but my mother said she didn't want it.

We'd noticed how confused he was and that he didn't seem to recognise us, but my mother wouldn't have it and insisted it was some medication he was on that had caused it.

Things came to a head this weekend - in recent weeks, he's taken to wandering the streets if he can get out, so my mother has had to keep the doors locked and the keys hidden. She rang me at 6:00pm on Friday to tell me that she couldn't cope with him - she'd had to hide the keys again and he was being nasty and verbally aggressive. I rang the doctor's out of hours service and they prescribed some sedatives to tide us over the weekend with him, advised me that an assessment needed to be done and to ring back if the sedative didn't work.

I went home, then got another phone call at 1:00am on Saturday morning - the sedative had only lasted for 3 and a half hours and my father was pacing again and being abusive to my mother. I went round again and my father demanded to know who I was and had a stick in his hand. I rang the out of hours service again.

The doctor was very concerned by the level of my father's aggression (which he could hear for himself in the background) and the fact I was worried that it could erupt into physical violence against my mother, whom he seemed particularly angry with. The doctor called an ambulance and by 6:30am, following a barrage of tests to rule out a physical cause, my father was admitted to the hospital.

Later that day, the day staff phoned my mother and told her my father was fine and to come and get him because he'd been discharged, which I wasn't really surprised at, because my father had calmed down a lot by this point. He was wandering about again and the staff nurse told my brother that 'my nurses can't cope with him wandering about like this!'

My brother was furious and pointed out that it was nothing to what me and my mother had coped with for hours - and unlike 'her nurses' who did in fact work on a ward for geriatric patients, we were not trained to deal with my father's condition. He told her in great detail what had led to my father's admittance in the first place and that did lead to the psychiatric team's involvement.

It was agreed that my father would be kept in until Monday and I hoped that he wouldn't be going through a lucid spell, which might lead them to believe his condition wasn't that severe. As it turned out, he attacked one of the nurses during the night and it took 3 of them to get him back to bed and to sedate him. He will now be having an emergency assessment under the Mental Health Act, which does now mean that Social Services will get involved, but I suppose that the level of support will vary depending on the local authority.

If we had we just meekly agreed to take my father back home, it could have been my mother that he attacked - he isn't that strong, but my mother is 77 and he could have seriously hurt her.

I think you need to get onto the GP again - don't hold anything back and make it clear you can't be expected to cope with this without any back up from anyone - you could do with someone like a sibling or partner who is aware of what you're coping with to back you up. Also, the emergency doctor told me I shouldn't have had any qualms about calling 999.

 

[starryuk]

I have put my mom first before my house and family but it doesn't seem to be enough for her , now I am getting really frightened myself

Sandysan,

I know what you mean. It took me a long time with my mum, to realise that nothing, even 24/7 constant undivided attention and fulfilling every fleeting demand could make her happy. It was very scary for me to have to say 'no' to my mother

Things I kept repeating to myself when I was told off by my mum for not being with her 24/7.

The stress will kill me. ( I have high bp)
I have to work. (No one else to support me financially)
My children need me. My first loyalty is to them.
I can't always get what I want, so why should it be different for my mum?

The best thing you can do for your mum is first to get yourself feeling stronger with the help of your GP or Samaritans. Then you can work out how to get her the support she needs..

...and ignore comments about it all being your fault, that is rubbish and only the dementia speaking. You are most definitely not to blame for your mum's illness...but you know that really.

 

[starryuk]

He told her in great detail what had led to my father's admittance in the first place and that did lead to the psychiatric team's involvement.

Sundaygirl.

I am so glad your brother was able to object to the discharge plan. And glad that they were forced to call in the psychiatric team. Perhaps now that they can see for themselves the problems your dad is having, they will be able to do something to help him.

My mum was in hospital for quite a while and I was always on tenterhooks at weekends, since they seemed to try to empty the beds, the doctors were not around and everything was always on hold until Monday.

Hope things improve for you all this week.

 

[maf]

hi guys
I am feeling so depressed I don't know what to do , I don't think I can accept my moms got dementia , that we found out recently , she is swearing now and being abusive and nasty to me , and now we have fell out and its made me depressed the way she is acting , I cant take it , I don't have any support I don't know where to go for it , social services don't really want to know my mother as they say she is abusive, she is 80 years old , she doesn't have no proper care or cleaning done for her , I have put my mom first before my house and family but it doesn't seem to be enough for her , now I am getting really frightened myself . when shes alright shes alright , she has a lovely home and I don't want her to go in a home as she will be very difficult sometimes to cope with with her demands , and she is a young 80 year old really , she has been throwing in my face for years that everything is my fault , shes going to dies because of me , and she has drummed that into my head and im scared for when she does die that I am going to hold that with me ,
and myself and my hubby have doen everything we possible can for her decorated taken her out shopping ect , I ma just in bed all day now I don't want to go out or do anything and I don't want to go to my moms im scared and I don't like it , what can I do ?

Hi Sandysan,
I have was a specialist dementia carer. I worked in a variety of homes. I'm not saying it is the right answer to your mothers situation, but I would like you to know that the right home will have its staff well versed in dealing with challenging behavior. Your mothers aggression is not unique, and there are plenty of people out there like me, who are specifically trained in dealing with it. These carers will know how to keep themselves and your mother safe, will have a number of clients who are equally challenging (so your mom won't be singled out), and perhaps most importantly, will understand that the behavior is the dementia not your Mom, so will be able to see the person beyond the abuse and care for her. The other point to bare in mind is that in a specialist dementia nursing home there will be nurses available 24 hours a day able to asses your moms medication needs on a continual basis, often the right medication in the right doses can produce very positive effects.
Hang on in there, you are not alone!

 

[Chuggalug]

hi guys
I am feeling so depressed I don't know what to do , I don't think I can accept my moms got dementia , that we found out recently , she is swearing now and being abusive and nasty to me , and now we have fell out and its made me depressed the way she is acting , I cant take it , I don't have any support I don't know where to go for it , social services don't really want to know my mother as they say she is abusive, she is 80 years old , she doesn't have no proper care or cleaning done for her , I have put my mom first before my house and family but it doesn't seem to be enough for her , now I am getting really frightened myself . when shes alright shes alright , she has a lovely home and I don't want her to go in a home as she will be very difficult sometimes to cope with with her demands , and she is a young 80 year old really , she has been throwing in my face for years that everything is my fault , shes going to dies because of me , and she has drummed that into my head and im scared for when she does die that I am going to hold that with me ,
and myself and my hubby have doen everything we possible can for her decorated taken her out shopping ect , I ma just in bed all day now I don't want to go out or do anything and I don't want to go to my moms im scared and I don't like it , what can I do ?

Whooo, Sandysan, slow down, sweetheart, and take a deep breath. I've felt all of what you're feeling, living right alongside this disease for many years, all alone.

Look at what you've written. Can you see these things cannot possibly be true?

I was brought up on those kinds of things. One parent said in front of a 'friend' to never have children, and gave a nasty reason for the saying while I was standing there. So I know what it's like, having those things said in one's presence.

I don't know your full circumstances and it isn't my business to ask. You have to know one thing: Your Mum is not going to die because of you. You know that cannot be possible. For all the things that are being said, best thing to do is to walk out of the room. Just leave. It's what I do, every single time. That'll stop that little fire from burning. And if you don't feel safe with your Mum, you need to call out for whatever help you can get.

Doctor; Social Services; Alzheimers Society; anyone who might be in the picture, so to speak, regarding this disease.

People here on Talking Point talk of carer's assessments; memory clinics, and so on. Can you contact anyone like that? I do so feel for you.

Any chance you can get by yourself for a little while to calm your feelings? I do hope for better for you. I really do. Hugs.