Care home blues

[truth24]

Apologies to all for my post as I know a lot of us are in the same position and feel as I do but can anyway tell me how to cope with visiting and not come away in tears? Although Fred seemed to have settled in fairly well, I am beginning to think he is far more aware than we originally thought. He has slept through my last 4 visits but I am not sure whether it is genuine or he just doesn't want to see me and fakes it. He did wake today but was very irritable with me and extremely rude. When one of the other residents told him that he shouldn't speak to me like that, he said, quite lucidly, that they didn't know what I had done to him and that he really hated me. Is that it from now on? Will he feel like this until he goes (providing I don't go first, of course) or is this a phase that will pass? He broke down in tears at one point and said he couldn't stand it anymore. My heart aches for him and I long to bring him home but the staff say that even they are finding it difficult to manage him these days so how could I cope. Can't bear the thought of him hating me for the rest of his life, particularly as he has been such a loving husband. Sorry for the whinge. Perhaps it will be better next time.

Sent from my GT-N5110

 

[Oxy]

I really feel so sorry for you. Though not in that position myself, i can empathise and I so hope for you that as he settles down things will change for you. It is so hard, but we always have to remember it is the illness and that it would hurt him so much if he knew how his words affect you. I wish you every strength.

 

[LadyA]

Nothing I can say my dear. I hope things improve. But you know in your heart that you couldn't begin to cope at home. So there is no choice about it. It's just that because of his illness, Fred can't understand that. And that makes it very hard for you. At this point - but with this illness, we just never know what will happen next, do we? As time passes, Fred's anger too will probably pass. But either way, you will know that you have done what is the best, right thing for Fred, regardless of the personal cost to yourself - and that is what love is. xx

 

[garnuft]

Oh gosh. Your heart must be aching.

The best way is to listen to the advice you would give your daughter, sister, best friend...then you'll know there was no other option.

If there was, you would have taken it.

Hard though and my heart aches for your pain. x

 

[2jays]

It's the fluffing guilt monster talking

You have no reason to question yourself or to "take on board" the feelings that are evoked by words that you know don't have actual truth but are said as if they are actual truth

Yeah I know... Easy typed... So hard when it happens

Hugs xx


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[Scarlett123]

Apologies to all for my post as I know a lot of us are in the same position and feel as I do but can anyway tell me how to cope with visiting and not come away in tears? Although Fred seemed to have settled in fairly well, I am beginning to think he is far more aware than we originally thought. He has slept through my last 4 visits but I am not sure whether it is genuine or he just doesn't want to see me and fakes it. He did wake today but was very irritable with me and extremely rude. When one of the other residents told him that he shouldn't speak to me like that, he said, quite lucidly, that they didn't know what I had done to him and that he really hated me. Is that it from now on? Will he feel like this until he goes (providing I don't go first, of course) or is this a phase that will pass? He broke down in tears at one point and said he couldn't stand it anymore. My heart aches for him and I long to bring him home but the staff say that even they are finding it difficult to manage him these days so how could I cope. Can't bear the thought of him hating me for the rest of his life, particularly as he has been such a loving husband. Sorry for the whinge. Perhaps it will be better next time.

Sent from my GT-N5110

Oh, if only you get some advice, please share it with me. Half of me nails a smile on my face, and I tell friends that I am completely at ease with my decision - whilst the other half of me silently shouts You Bl**dy Liar!

 

[gringo]

Apologies to all for my post as I know a lot of us are in the same position and feel as I do but can anyway tell me how to cope with visiting and not come away in tears?

Now that is something many of us wish to know!
The obvious answer is not to visit, but that cure is worse than the complaint.

Perhaps it will be better next time.

This is what keeps us all going.

 

[pamann]

Hello truth24 my husbands cousin is in a CH she is the same as Fred so nasty to her husband, he doesn't go every day she is much better now, and he feels better, give it a try, it must be terrible for you so sorry you are going through this ♥♥♥

Sent from my GT-P5210 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[Pickles53]

The best way is to listen to the advice you would give your daughter, sister, best friend...then you'll know there was no other option.

If there was, you would have taken it. x

Garnuft this is what I keep repeating to myself. It is plain that my mum could not possibly be at home, apart from the dementia she cannot move without carer support, but she will hardly eat, tells me every five minutes how she hates the home, and breaks down in tears often. I try desperately to distract her but it only ever works for a few minutes. I come away from every visit feeling pathetic and useless.

 

[truth24]

Thank you all for your support. I know there is no answer, just me letting go for a while. Feel more positive today, am meeting a friend whose OH died 2 yrs ago suffering from this torment although a physical illness took him away before he got to this stage, so she understands. Daughter in law, granddaughter and great grandson (2) will visit him tomorrow so hope he is awake and reasonable for them. Won't see him now until Saturday which seems very strange but might be a good thing.

On a lighter note, furniture painting finished, carpet now being fitted so hopefully later today will see the result of my efforts. Fingers crossed☺

Sent from my GT-N5110

 

[truth24]

I have come to the conclusion that Fred is now going through the stage that a lot of care home residents go through earlier in that he has suddenly realised he is there permanently (hopefully). After posting of his outburst when he told another resident that he hated me, he now ignores me when I visit and when he did speak to me briefly yesterday it was to tell me that it was all over between us now (after 50 years of marriage), that I have the house as I have always planned (his words not mine) and he didn't want to see me any more. We were finished! The nurse said to ignore him, that it was the dementia speaking but he certainly seemed very lucid at the time. Hopefully this will pass, please God, but he certainly seems to have something on his mind. It's sad that I have to do a 30 mile round trip only to be rejected when I get there but, in truth, I can see where he's coming from and I'm sure I would feel the same. It must appear that I have totally rejected him. Only wish he could understand and not feel so hurt.

Sent from my GT-N5110

 

[WIFE]

Truth - I understand your feelings totally. One of the Carers at my husband's NH said to me one day a few weeks ago that he says to himself before leaving for work -"it's not their fault, its the dementia". As I arrive at the NH each day I take a big breath, say his words to myself, fix a smile on my face, greet anyone I meet with that smile, try my hardest to smile all through the hours I spend with my husband even when he is being abusive and mean, leave with the smile on my face, smile all the way home in the car (must look crazy), walk in, shut the door and cry. Only person who sees me crying these days is the dog! She's so used to it she doesn't take any notice now. It takes so much effort to keep smiling that I do not have time to think about the awfulness of it all until I am behind a closed door.

Anyway you get those awful frown lines (my face is actually covered in them these days) if you don't smile.

 

[truth24]

My grimacing/smile lines are nearly as bad

Sent from my GT-N5110

 

[WIFE]

My grimacing/smile lines are nearly as bad

Sent from my GT-N5110

Are we playing the "yours are better than mine" game? Truth

 

[Scarlett123]

My dog Billy is my strength and stay. As long as he gets his dinner, treats and walkies, he is happy to devote the rest of his time to listening to me. It doesn't matter what I am blabbing about, if I say "Billy, I want to talk to you", he comes over, lays his head on knee, and gives me his undivided attention.

If I cry, he puts his front paws on my knees, levers himself up, and licks away my tears. And when I've finished, I just say "Billy, you're a star", and give him a cuddle, and he licks me one last time, and goes off to do the important business of sleeping.

 

[cathykins]

Hi everyone. I came on here to post a message about my Mum and how sad it makes me to visit her only to be begged to take her home, or for her to tell me what a cruel person I am, and I find that several others have posted similar messages.

I guess that although we are all unique, some similarities run through all of these dementia stories. And I find the hardest one to bear is the change in personality with my dear Mum. She has always been kind, loving, quiet and caring. We have never had a single argument, and she has supported me all my life in whatever I choose to do. She is now often rude, abusive, loud and moody, and spends most of my visiting time begging me to take her home, and saying that there is nothing wrong with her.

I know in my heart that it is not her, but the dementia, and I know there is no option but to put her in a home, but she still manages to make me feel guilty.

Dad and I have decided to call her Mildred (not her real name) when she behaves like this! It is a way of dealing with this new person, who we are really not very keen on. Mum would also have hated Mildred, as she is the exact opposite of her. We still occasionally get Mum when we visit, but mainly we are saddled with Mildred. And when we are told of her latest escapades by the care home, we tut and say 'Mum would never behave like that, it must be Mildred!'

My heart goes out to all the people on this site, who like myself, are struggling to deal with this dreadful disease. The best advice I have been given is simply to take one day at a time, and this is what I am trying to do.

Big hugs to you all xx

 

[TinaT]

I cried when I read your post. The hurt that just being apart creates is enormous, let alone the feeling of guilt which you have to bear at being in this horrible situation.

I have been ripped in two so many times over the past years and even though my husband has died (two years ago this weekend), I still have some tormented nights.

I try to remember, and I urge you from the bottom of my heart to remember the same, neither you or I created this. The illness did! This horrendous situation is not of your making. All you can do is carry on the heartbreaking task of loving him and standing by him as you are doing.

I hope that you can put aside his recent remarks. He like my husband, was loving all through and I know that if your husband could think clearly he would know that what has happened is not of your making.

Chin up, it takes such guts to see this through and keep the smile on your face.

xxTina

 

[LadyA]

At the moment, I'm taking the easy way out - and following the nursing home's advice. I go in every second day, and I only stay for about half an hour or 45 minutes. William can't hold a conversation, and by the time half an hour is up, he is starting to work himself up and start crying. The nursing home assure me that by the time I reach the carpark, he's fine again. And he never really asks to come home, or come with me, but he wants me with him - I think he recognises that he is getting better care than I could give him, and he recognises that he does need the help, because he will go to a care assistant when he needs the toilet etc. - he would just like for me to be with him all the time!

 

[Fhvn]

As hard as this is, I thank you all for your experiences. I too have been in tears, feeling that I have betrayed my husband and that I am a failure as a wife and carer, because I am having to put him into care. I read many threads here of the astounding folks who look after their loved ones full time, when they are in worse condition than my husband, and feel awful. It breaks my heart to hear him plead to come home and soon I fear he will see me as cruel for not having him back home. I love him and feel like I have broken his heart because he just wants to be with me. Thanks for all your thoughts on this awful decision, they are really helpful.

 

[truth24]

Thank you all for your support as usual. Wouldn't know what to do without you. WIFE, I only said my lines were NEARLY as bad as yours - am not trying to take your crown!! This is my comfort at the moment. Katie has now been with me for 2 months when my lovely 20 year old Siamese went to pussycat heaven and Fred went into his care home. The house was suddenly so empty. She is a 2 year old rescue red burmese and seems to be settling in well.


Sent from my GT-N5110