Still dealing with anxiety feelings from putting my husband in a Care home

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John has been in a Care Home since february of this year and I am STILL COMING TO TERMS WITH IT. There appears no end in view to the feelings of loss and extreme anxiety, verging on panic.
He is still only 66 and although he now looks much older than his years, he looks, feels and is out of place in the CH. They have no other younger residents and although at first he did 'make an effort' to join in a bit, he now spends all his days in his room. I and the CH have tried to get him involved but he is disdainful of "those old ladies' and he is paranoid about one of the male residents who shouts a lot.
The reason I had to put him into the CH was that he was totally 'non-compliant' with just about anything I wanted or needed to do.He is still totally non compliant in the CH and even they find him 'difficult'. I fought against Council restrictions to get him back into his Day Centre to see if they could engage him, but he was so non-compliant that they asked me to stop bringing him!
I had moved house to be closer to my family, hoping that would help me keep him at home for longer, but obviously that didn't work.
Now my feelings of loss are crippling and the anxiety eats away at me. My old home was in London, so having left that whole way of life behind to move up north, has obviously left me with a void where everything I once built my whole life around has gone. Having settled in to my new 'home' with John, now that he's gone it just doesn't feel like home and I don't feel settled at all. I feel stateless -somehow - in some kind of limbo, cut off from all my old life, my confidence has plummeted and I'm finding it hard to start a 'new life' on my own, I feel so afraid all the time.
Of course I'm not on my own. I have sisters and extended family living very close and my son and his family are not far away. They are all so good to me -I'm so lucky it makes me feel ungrateful for all I have. Neither do I want to return to London, without John it would be as soulless as here.
My GP says my anxiety is a relatively common form of grief, except John is still here. Every new deterioration and loss of faculty he gets frightens me even more.
I don't know if this is the correct forum for such baring of the soul. I don't want to frighten or upset any of you who are somewhere on this journey of ours. If anyone has experience of 'coming out the other side' I would be grateful to hear from you.

Regards Jackie

 

[Scarlett123]

Oh Jackie, I could weep with you. My husband, also John, went for respite care 3 months ago, whilst I recuperated from an operation, which became permanent care a month later.

I envy you that you have family who, as you say, are good to you. I only have my daughter living near me, who has mental problems of her own, and I have to tread on eggshells. But there is no Richter Scale that says when you have to come to terms with the situation. Similarly, who is to say how long a newly bereaved person should grieve for? We're all different.

Although I have some good friends and acquaintances, I've learned to lie to them, when they ask how I am, as I feel they would rather hear the response "not too bad thanks", accompanied by a bright smile , than anything else.

We're "midows", neither married nor widowed, but I feel I did the majority of my grieving several years ago, when the old John became a distant memory. I have come to terms with some things, but not all. Yesterday I felt ridiculously cross because he was wearing track suit bottoms, with a long sleeved shirt, and black outdoor shoes.

I then told myself that this was probably what he wanted to wear, and did it matter if it wasn't? He's clean, shaved, always wears fresh clothes, sartorially correct or otherwise. The food looks good and the staff are caring. If he needs changing 3 times in the night, and the bed stripped, somebody else does it, and the laundering - and then goes off duty, and more staff take over. My shifts never stopped.

Don't be too hard on yourself, and please post whenever you need to, or PM me if you want to. Everybody on this board is so kind, supportive and "there" for you, and I don't know what I'd do without it.

 

[AlsoConfused]

It might help to talk to a counsellor. Everything you feel is thoroughly reasonable and understandable but you do perhaps need someone to listen and support you to deal with a very sad set of circumstances.

Many GPs now have counselling services attached to the practice - please investigate.

My Mum had bereavement counselling some time ago. It made her extreme grief a easier for her to manage.

 

[Saffie]

I do understand.
It's hard to come to terms with having a husband in a home. Mine went into a nursing home direct from 8 months in hospital.
This was very much against my wishes but the consultant psychiatrist emphasised the fact that, after his radical amputation added to his other mutiple health problems allied to his dementia, he would have better care there than I would be able to give him at home.
I tried to change their minds without success but never fully accepted it and always longed to bring him home as that is all he wanted when in the hospital and I felt I had let him down.

He was in the home for 3 days less three years and died in June.
Although the loss of having him at home for that time brought about a form of grieving, the real thing is far worse. When your husband is in a home, you are still caring for him, albeit in a different way than if he were still living at home.

I visited nearly every day, especially in the earlier days, so I knew the nurses and the carers well.
I still bought him clothes, CDs, DVDs, sometimes treats to eat - though not many as I would have liked as he was a diabetic
I read his Careplan regularly and made sure he was kept as comfortable as possible.
I tried to make his life the best it could be in the circumstances, even though I never felt it was enough.

In other words, I still cared and it's obvious that you do too.
It is harder for you as you have left your old life behind but you are fortunate, as I am, to have family near. It is a difficult adjustment to make and I hope you can find a way of managing it.
I haven't come out the other side yet and realise that I may never do so.
I hope you manage to. Best wishes. x

 

[Beret]

Hi Jackie, I had that feeling too when my wife Elaine went into care 4 years ago. It's a mixture of guilt and helplessness that I found crippling for months. Our daughter was still at school at the time so she became the focus of my attention. Having a family support network is priceless and any activities or hobbies. I'd suggest you try and take as many positives as you can from the situation and go with that mindset. The limbo feelings continue with me and as Elaine is still in care I find it hard to 'move on'....although I know we all must. Beret.

 

[jaymor]

Have sent you a pm

 

[pamann]

Hello small l am feeling so sad for you, l dread the time when my huxband goes into care, he is very difficult the support here on TP keeps me going, l can't give you any advice as l am not yet in your situation, l do hope you feel better soon, life is such a rocky road none of us know which way it is going l wish peace and happiness for the future ♥♥♥

Sent from my GT-P5210 using Talking Point mobile app

 

[small]

Hi Jay and all you other responders

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful comments. They do help - a trouble shared is not exactly a trouble halved but it certainly helps and gives a very warm feeling.
I have tried to send a response to Jay for her lovely message but after 2 attempts I'm still not sure it went .
I am on the waiting list for counselling and in fact joining Talking point is a really good form of counselling as the members have such a wealth of useful experience to draw on.
Beret's comments were very helpful and I have just joined a couple of new groups but as yet i still feel too uncomfortable to 'fit in'. Hopefully time will cure that. I am soo unused to feeling so helpless and dependant that I feel unable to break through and start actually living again. Hopefully time will cure that too! I do hope 'time' is up to the job! I'm pinning my whole future on it.
Regards to all

 

[Scarlett123]

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful comments. They do help - a trouble shared is not exactly a trouble halved but it certainly helps and gives a very warm feeling.
I have tried to send a response to Jay for her lovely message but after 2 attempts I'm still not sure it went .
I am on the waiting list for counselling and in fact joining Talking point is a really good form of counselling as the members have such a wealth of useful experience to draw on.
Beret's comments were very helpful and I have just joined a couple of new groups but as yet i still feel too uncomfortable to 'fit in'. Hopefully time will cure that. I am soo unused to feeling so helpless and dependant that I feel unable to break through and start actually living again. Hopefully time will cure that too! I do hope 'time' is up to the job! I'm pinning my whole future on it.
Regards to all

I've attempted to join various support groups, for different things, over the years, groups where you physically sit there, and share experiences, and I have never been able to fit in.

But Talking Point is the absolute exception. Whether it's because it's online, and therefore not at a set time, or whether it's because you can read, and not participate, or participate all the time, or a mixture of these things, I don't know.

But it's invaluable.