Has anyone ever done this?

[Perdita]

Taken their mum (or dad or spouse) back out of a CH and moved them in with them?

I know it sounds crazy and ridiculous but I think it's becoming an obsession with me. Whenever I go and see my mum I want to bring her home. She's been in the CH 3 years, prior to that my brother and I, along with a carer, looked after her.

 

[Lindy50]

Taken their mum (or dad or spouse) back out of a CH and moved them in with them?

I know it sounds crazy and ridiculous but I think it's becoming an obsession with me. Whenever I go and see my mum I want to bring her home. She's been in the CH 3 years, prior to that my brother and I, along with a carer, looked after her.

Hi Perdita

Well, the direct answer is that, yes, it has been done by a very few people, and some have made a success of it. I don't have personal experience, but have met and talked to others who have.....

However, I don't think I've ever met anyone who has brought their relative home after three years away. It makes me wonder why you want to do it. Is your mother unhappy in the CH? Do you feel that the care is not up to scratch? Or do you (naturally) miss your mum and want her home?

Can you explain the situation a bit more fully? I think it would help others to comment

All the best

Lindy xx

 

[Perdita]

Hi Lindy,

Thanks for the reply. My mum has had AD for 6-7 years and is at the stage where she is happy almost anywhere as she doesn't actually know where she is.

I have been advised that moving her could upset her but when she comes to mine for the day she isn't at all perturbed or different. She still smiles and chats nonsensical things like she does when I visit her in the care home.
She remembers very few family members except me(although) she tells everyone I'm her sister, she has amalgamated my brother and my nephew into one person.

I just feel frustrated that I am not caring for her and I think I could provide more stimulation than the ch. It is a lovely home, very 'homely' but they no longer include her in many activities as her condition worsens. Occasionally I feel that they don't consider her AD enough.

I worked as a carer for 15 years so I do understand what is involved, what a huge undertaking it is.

I would have a carer come in at least 2 days a week so I could go off and do things.

 

[cragmaid]

What do you feel has changed in Mum's care plan that makes you thing she should be back home?

Why did she go residential care in the first place? Is she being mistreated in the home? Is she at end of life care stage and what extra care can you provide single handed at home?

The answers to these questions and your reasoning behind them will give you ( and us) a bit more detail on why you think things should change.

It is a huge step to take and it may be quite difficult to persuade the powers that be to provide the equipment or support needed to make this work.

I wonder if it might be possible to arrange for Mum to come home for a couple of nights before you make any decisions......a sort of respite from the CH instead of the usual into the CH. This might give you greater insight into the feasibility.

Or is it perhaps a case of sadness and guilt that Mum is being cared for on a daily basis by someone other than family? I can understand this, but in my case, I remember how close my OH and I came to breakdown due to the intolerable pressure that the constant demands make on any relationship.

If you can let us know why you want to make this change, perhaps we can help you more.
Love Maureen.x.

 

[meme]

we only get one life, and if you feel strongly that this is something you want to do then go for it...you will probably get a wealth of reasons and examples why not....but you have to sometimes follow your deepest instincts of love......

 

[Penneth]

This is on my mind all the time at the moment. Mum moved into a BUPA home at the end of July for a respite stay while her husband was in hospital. I'd managed for three months up to that point, with NHS carers coming in 3 times a day, but it was getting too much. She was wandering off into the street and knocking on doors, lit the gas and nearly blew the house up, kept phoning me in the middle of the night absolutely hysterical etc. Her husband died at the end of August so I've made the stay permanent. Talking to the (wonderful) Manager, we agreed not to tell her about her husband's death as she seems to have forgotten all about him, and it did appear she was settling in OK. But the last few visits have been horrendous. She cries all the time, clings to me and is completely obsessed with the cats that live at and visit the home from neighbouring properties (we've always had cats at home and I think she's focusing on them a bit).

I can't bear seeing her so upset all the time and am questioning whether it's the right place for her. For me to look after her, I'd have to give up work, sell both our houses and buy a suitable property we could both live in (easier said than done as her husband refused to agree to power of attorney so I'm a little stuck financially). But the guilt at leaving her somewhere she clearly hates is just awful.

So, you are definitely not alone. I am completely at a loss as to what I should do. I'm the only child so it's completely down to me to make the decisions.

 

[VickyG]

I did

Taken their mum (or dad or spouse) back out of a CH and moved them in with them?

I know it sounds crazy and ridiculous but I think it's becoming an obsession with me. Whenever I go and see my mum I want to bring her home. She's been in the CH 3 years, prior to that my brother and I, along with a carer, looked after her.

Hi Perdita,

Yes, I took mum out of care and cared for her here, 24/7 by myself for the last 7 months of her life. I am so glad I did, and only wish i could of done it sooner.
If it's something you feel that strongly about, then do it. I have absolutely no regrets.
Some folk may think you're mad to do it, but you know what ? Think like I did and do it for the right reasons, for me, it was about giving my mum the best time I could, for the time that she had left. Everyone's situation is different, I KNEW mum wasn't going to go on for much longer, and wanted to give her the dignity and love, care and attention she deserved, right up until the end. She had the most peaceful passing, without intervention, pain or suffering, it was very calm and almost serene. She would not of got that in the care home where she was.
You have to look at the bigger picture and try to look at all eventualities, I have 15 years of Dementia care behind me, so I knew what i was in for. That said, you don't have to have experience to be able to look after and care for someone. You say you have a lot of experience too, so I'm sure you are well clued up, it is different caring at home though as opposed to working in that field, as long as you can walk away from it now and again, have a bit of 'you' time, then fab.
There are good support networks out there, just make sure you have all bases covered.

Good luck and hope you make the right decision for your mum and for YOU

 

[the gray dog]

Loving your mam or dad.

Taken their mum (or dad or spouse) back out of a CH and moved them in with them?

I know it sounds crazy and ridiculous but I think it's becoming an obsession with me. Whenever I go and see my mum I want to bring her home. She's been in the CH 3 years, prior to that my brother and I, along with a carer, looked after her.

Its a normal thing to do to bring your mam home she looked after you all when she was well you looked after her when she was ill and you are still looking after her by visiting her when you can you mam is in a place where they have the things to help her don't feel bad you have done the right thing its ok x

 

[Lisajk]

Hi.
Yes, we brought MIL home after she didn't fare well in the CH. That was 2.5 yrs ago. She's healthier, more alert, clean, stimulated and is generally more settled. It's also not so harrowing to see her in such a state. I knew I could do better than the CH as I could provide 1-2-1 care. I've no regrets, although it's extremely difficult at times.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

 

[Perdita]

Thanks so much for your replies everyone- I will read them properly tomorrow morning. Hope everyone has a peaceful night

 

[Perdita]

What do you feel has changed in Mum's care plan that makes you thing she should be back home?

Why did she go residential care in the first place? Is she being mistreated in the home? Is she at end of life care stage and what extra care can you provide single handed at home?

The answers to these questions and your reasoning behind them will give you ( and us) a bit more detail on why you think things should change.

It is a huge step to take and it may be quite difficult to persuade the powers that be to provide the equipment or support needed to make this work.

I wonder if it might be possible to arrange for Mum to come home for a couple of nights before you make any decisions......a sort of respite from the CH instead of the usual into the CH. This might give you greater insight into the feasibility.

Or is it perhaps a case of sadness and guilt that Mum is being cared for on a daily basis by someone other than family? I can understand this, but in my case, I remember how close my OH and I came to breakdown due to the intolerable pressure that the constant demands make on any relationship.

If you can let us know why you want to make this change, perhaps we can help you more.
Love Maureen.x.

Hi Maureen,

When I cared for my mum she was very mobile. She was living alone in her own home and although someone went in at least twice a day tbh it was like leaving a toddler home alone and I worried non-stop. I think when we weren't there she walked around the house all the time. She was very thin even though she ate more than she does now.

Now my mum's mobility is very limited, what she likes to do most is sit in a chair and sing. The difficult part now is toileting, bathing and undressing, but I manage that ok when she comes to mine.

She is self-funding and we've never had any financial help for her except the attendance allowance. So I'm not really hoping for much more if she leaves the home.

I know what you mean about the guilt but I don't think it is that. I never wanted her to go in a ch but after 3-4 years of running down to see her (she lived 7 miles away) I was exhausted, that was the exhausting part,the tooing and frowing. If she lived with us that part of it wouldn't be an issue.

I don't know if I'm making any sense?

 

[Perdita]

we only get one life, and if you feel strongly that this is something you want to do then go for it...you will probably get a wealth of reasons and examples why not....but you have to sometimes follow your deepest instincts of love......

Thanks meme,

If this was just a whim I'd be glad to see it go, but it's so constant that I wonder if I don't do it that I'll always regret it.

I keep trying to think about what is really best for mum. I'm going to make a list of pros and cons later today

 

[Perdita]

This is on my mind all the time at the moment. Mum moved into a BUPA home at the end of July for a respite stay while her husband was in hospital. I'd managed for three months up to that point, with NHS carers coming in 3 times a day, but it was getting too much. She was wandering off into the street and knocking on doors, lit the gas and nearly blew the house up, kept phoning me in the middle of the night absolutely hysterical etc. Her husband died at the end of August so I've made the stay permanent. Talking to the (wonderful) Manager, we agreed not to tell her about her husband's death as she seems to have forgotten all about him, and it did appear she was settling in OK. But the last few visits have been horrendous. She cries all the time, clings to me and is completely obsessed with the cats that live at and visit the home from neighbouring properties (we've always had cats at home and I think she's focusing on them a bit).

I can't bear seeing her so upset all the time and am questioning whether it's the right place for her. For me to look after her, I'd have to give up work, sell both our houses and buy a suitable property we could both live in (easier said than done as her husband refused to agree to power of attorney so I'm a little stuck financially). But the guilt at leaving her somewhere she clearly hates is just awful.

So, you are definitely not alone. I am completely at a loss as to what I should do. I'm the only child so it's completely down to me to make the decisions.

Hi Penneth,
Poor you You sound as you're having to deal with what I had 3 years ago. I have been through very similar things with my mum and it is really hard and heart-breaking for you and her too. My mum did settle quite well after about 6 months though, so maybe you should just set yourself(and give yourself) some time to see how things go, and then re-think if things haven't improved.

If you want to chat you can pm me if you like

 

[Perdita]

Hi Perdita,

Yes, I took mum out of care and cared for her here, 24/7 by myself for the last 7 months of her life. I am so glad I did, and only wish i could of done it sooner.
If it's something you feel that strongly about, then do it. I have absolutely no regrets.
Some folk may think you're mad to do it, but you know what ? Think like I did and do it for the right reasons, for me, it was about giving my mum the best time I could, for the time that she had left. Everyone's situation is different, I KNEW mum wasn't going to go on for much longer, and wanted to give her the dignity and love, care and attention she deserved, right up until the end. She had the most peaceful passing, without intervention, pain or suffering, it was very calm and almost serene. She would not of got that in the care home where she was.
You have to look at the bigger picture and try to look at all eventualities, I have 15 years of Dementia care behind me, so I knew what i was in for. That said, you don't have to have experience to be able to look after and care for someone. You say you have a lot of experience too, so I'm sure you are well clued up, it is different caring at home though as opposed to working in that field, as long as you can walk away from it now and again, have a bit of 'you' time, then fab.
There are good support networks out there, just make sure you have all bases covered.

Good luck and hope you make the right decision for your mum and for YOU

Hi Vicky,

Thanks for your reply. You have managed to put my feelings into words and I feel quite choked up. I guess I'm used to people telling me I'm daft to want to try.

I'm so glad for you that things worked out so well.

 

[Perdita]

Its a normal thing to do to bring your mam home she looked after you all when she was well you looked after her when she was ill and you are still looking after her by visiting her when you can you mam is in a place where they have the things to help her don't feel bad you have done the right thing its ok x

Hi gray dog

Yes it's a very nice ch but I miss my mum and I feel maybe she would be better with us.

 

[Perdita]

Hi.
Yes, we brought MIL home after she didn't fare well in the CH. That was 2.5 yrs ago. She's healthier, more alert, clean, stimulated and is generally more settled. It's also not so harrowing to see her in such a state. I knew I could do better than the CH as I could provide 1-2-1 care. I've no regrets, although it's extremely difficult at times.
Best of luck with whatever you decide.

Hi Lisa,

Thanks for your reply. It's good to know that it can be done successfully. Yes I know it's going to be difficult, I keep trying to explain to my OH just how all -consuming it will be.
I'm glad to hear you have no regrets

I feel that with mum she could be more stimulated at home with us,she loves company when we have family get togethers, doesn't add much to the conversation but just enjoys being there. Often when I visit the ch she's sitting in a corner looking very lonely and it upsets me. I know a routine is important for AD sufferers and I feel I could supply that.

 

[VickyG]

Hi Vicky,

Thanks for your reply. You have managed to put my feelings into words and I feel quite choked up. I guess I'm used to people telling me I'm daft to want to try.

I'm so glad for you that things worked out so well.

No worries..... I didn't mean for you to feel choked up, I just wanted to give my honest opinion, at the end of the day, like I said, you have to do what you feel is right. I for one, am so glad I did.
Things did work out really well for us, I can hopefully get some comfort from this at some point. At the moment, it's still early days, I don't think I've had time for my feelings as I've been busy with providing emotional support for a sibling, as well as a lot of arranging and sorting ( on-going ) mum's affairs. I go on holiday next week for 2 weeks, seemed like a good idea when i booked it a few weeks ago I will probably crumble then........

 

[CJW]

Coucou.. I have absolutely no experience of this, mum is happy and very well cared for in her CH and with more or less constant health issues needs 24 hr care. However I wondered if it might not be an idea to step up her visits to your home before making a decision just to see if you do both cope. I spend a lot of time with mum and we both appreciate that all the "work" of looking after her is done by the carers and we can enjoy our batty conversations and giggles together.
i do admire you for wanting to do this ....

 

[Lulu]

Perdita you have expressed what I am also feeling. I keep trying to remind myself why I had to place my mum into care, but that feeling of wanting her home again just will not go away, and that it should be me who is caring for her. I think constantly of this, and it's miserable. But could I now do it,after many months in the Home?? Would it now be too distressing for Mum to have another change when it has taken her so long to settle? Just wish I knew the answer. And, whilst she is I believe in the best place I could find, there is nothing like being here with me.
Not much help, but just to tell you you are not alone I suppose.

 

[Aitchbee]

Hi Perdita. My sister and I are thinking of bringing my Mum home after 6 months in a CH. Probably for similar reasons as you. We are at the CH a lot of the time as the only stimulation she gets is from us visiting. We have been dithering about what to do for the past few weeks but I think we are going to give it a try. I have concerns about whether it will unsettle her. I am also worried about not getting much free time or much sleep. It has been useful to read the posts from others who have managed to bring their relative home