Well, here I am

[kingmidas1962]

This, of course, is the area we never want to find ourselves posting in, but inevitably do (if we choose to)

Dad died on Friday last week, just before I came home from holiday so I am now thrust into the whirl of paperwork and registering things / arranging funeral etc.

I have set myself a very strict rule of 'one task a day' and am aiming to stick to it to try and stop myself becoming overwhelmed.

Tomorrows task is to collect the death certificate and go and register the death. i can do that without mum. I dont know how she will cope with having to talk about funeral arrangements etc .... still, it has to be done.

 

[Grannie G]

It`s not the best place to be KM but at least you are among friends.

One task at a time is good. It will all fall into place without too much stress if you are able to pace yourself.

I do worry about the stress your mum will cause you though. I do hope it can be shared.

 

[VickyG]

Don't forget to breathe........

KM,
I never thought i would post here, but did.
Once again, sorry for your dad's departing, he's at peace now. Take each day as it comes, each 'task' as it comes, and don't forget to breathe.....x

 

[Lancshiker]

I'm so sorry about your Dad. My Dad died a week last Tuesday so I know what it's like trying to deal with everything. There is so much to do. I found lists saved me. As you say, one thing at a time is the best way. If you get it down on a piece of paper it makes it feel less stressful. I hope you get everything sorted but don't forget to put taking care of yourself on the list.

 

[Pepper&Spice]

This, of course, is the area we never want to find ourselves posting in, but inevitably do (if we choose to)

Dad died on Friday last week, just before I came home from holiday so I am now thrust into the whirl of paperwork and registering things / arranging funeral etc.

I have set myself a very strict rule of 'one task a day' and am aiming to stick to it to try and stop myself becoming overwhelmed.

Tomorrows task is to collect the death certificate and go and register the death. i can do that without mum. I dont know how she will cope with having to talk about funeral arrangements etc .... still, it has to be done.

I'm so sorry for your loss KM - please take care. On a practical note make sure you have several copies of the death certificate as lots of places will want them and not all will send back. If you need extras at a later date it can be costly and time consuming. We learn't the hard way with my dad's death as he hadn't made a will or sorted out any paperwork and it seems every delivery of post or phonecall was another thing to be sorted. Does your council run a service called "Tell us Once" or something similar ? This can save some time and stress as they let other departments know on your behalf. Take your time and when it comes to it you should find that the funeral company will help you through many of the difficult things.
Best wishes

 

[kingmidas1962]

I'm so sorry for your loss KM - please take care. On a practical note make sure you have several copies of the death certificate as lots of places will want them and not all will send back. If you need extras at a later date it can be costly and time consuming. We learn't the hard way with my dad's death as he hadn't made a will or sorted out any paperwork and it seems every delivery of post or phonecall was another thing to be sorted. Does your council run a service called "Tell us Once" or something similar ? This can save some time and stress as they let other departments know on your behalf. Take your time and when it comes to it you should find that the funeral company will help you through many of the difficult things.
Best wishes

Thanks for the sound advice - yes, as far as I know they do provide the 'Tell us Once' service - I will find out tomorrow no doubt.

We ONLY just found both wills - mum was convinced the wills were in the bank (they weren't) or at the solicitor where she thought they made them (they weren't, as she had the wrong solicitor) - I had given up hope and resigned myself to probate - then, after dad died my sister in law had one more sort through the paperwork we found when we cleared mum and dads house a year ago and there they were - in with the water bills!

That makes things a lot easier.

 

[kingmidas1962]

... I do worry about the stress your mum will cause you though.....

Yes, me too - although she does seem very worried about ME for a change, which is nice and rather novel. She sent me home this afternoon - there is always tea and cake at 4 at her sheltered housing, and I walked her down to the lounge. One of her friends patted the seat next to her and beckoned mum to sit down, and I was dispatched.

Anyway - its early days but I think she is doing very well.

 

[garnuft]

I wonder if she isn't possibly feeling the relief that one can feel when someone's torment and trial is over, KM?

I know I felt a little euphoric and high in the days following Mam's death, such relief that she hadn't experienced great pain or a dreadful death.

Being made a fuss of will help her too, at last her sadness and fear doesn't have to be explained, if you know what I mean.

Good advice from Pepper&Spice...get a few of copies of the death certificate, every man and his wife wanted one.

These days will be such a jumble of thoughts and and planning, I wish peace and strength to you. x

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I'm so sorry to hear about your father, KM. Yes, take your time, one task a day. You've already been given good advice here.

Remember you can always come here to share your emotions, if you want to.

 

[angelface]

Sorry to hear your sad news.
Could you sort out the funeral and just ask Mum if she agrees with what you have decided? It may work.
Also our undertakers will arrange flowers for you, they have a book of photos to pick from. Choosing flowers always starts me off crying, so having that done for me is useful.

 

[kingmidas1962]

Sorry to hear your sad news.
Could you sort out the funeral and just ask Mum if she agrees with what you have decided? It may work.
Also our undertakers will arrange flowers for you, they have a book of photos to pick from. Choosing flowers always starts me off crying, so having that done for me is useful.

I asked her if there was anything she really particularly wanted - if she doesnt want to come to the Funeral directors she doesnt have to, but I dont want to end up with something she doesnt like so it has to be clear...

... we wont be having many flowers at all, as dad was an avid gardener and hated cut flowers - he was of the opinion that they should be in the ground, not in a vase - so that's easy. Probably just a coffin spray. I have a friend who is a florist and she has done some lovely arrangements which incorporate things like garden twine, and plant labels for people who loved gardening. Lovely idea - I've seen photos of her work and they are quite beautiful.

 

[kingmidas1962]

Today's task - check!

Medical certificate collected from the Funeral Director, death registered and Death Certificates collected from the registrar - a very nice man who was very clear about what to do immediately - and what can wait.

Just going to email a distant family member (one of dads brothers children) and inform her - and ask her to pass the word on to a few other family members.

I went through mums family address book yesterday and it was quite sad how few people mum wanted informed. So many of the people in there were dads former friends who dropped off the radar when he was ill. He has no remaining siblings (I thought one of his sisters was still alive) and mum has only two. There are a handful of friends and thats it. Going to be a quiet little funeral

 

[cragmaid]

So organised. Did you keep their last year's Christmas cards received...I always do so that I can update Mum's address list and make a note of any names to come off the list. There may be people on the list who, even though Mum has not told you to notify them, may be glad to have been told of Dad's passing and the info about his funeral.
It is the only time of the year that I hear from Mum's cousin in Yorkshire or Dad's rellies in Australia.
Keep making time for KM in all of this organising mind.....or else!.x.x.

 

[Grannie G]

Try not to be upset about the 'quiet little funeral' KM. it's only important to have people there who matter. Xx

 

[kingmidas1962]

So organised. Did you keep their last year's Christmas cards received...I always do so that I can update Mum's address list and make a note of any names to come off the list. There may be people on the list who, even though Mum has not told you to notify them, may be glad to have been told of Dad's passing and the info about his funeral.
It is the only time of the year that I hear from Mum's cousin in Yorkshire or Dad's rellies in Australia.
Keep making time for KM in all of this organising mind.....or else!.x.x.

No I didn't think of that - mum wouldn't even have her Christmas cards up as she is of the opinion that she has nothing to celebrate so probably binned them immediately. It's one of her little foibles - because she is unhappy most of the time she wont entertain anything that represents happiness - she wouldn't tell anyone it was her birthday, no cards etc.

 

[kingmidas1962]

While I was out and about the side of town my parents used to live I got the sudden urge to drive past the family home we sold last year. Not knowing what effect it would have on me, I did.

It made me smile

 

[angelface]

Glad it made you smile, so much nicer than making you miserable

You might find a quieter funeral is not a bad thing, might be easier for you mum to deal with perhaps?

 

[kingmidas1962]

Glad it made you smile, so much nicer than making you miserable

You might find a quieter funeral is not a bad thing, might be easier for you mum to deal with perhaps?

That's a very valid point. It probably will be easier to cope with for her. Thanks for your point of view - much appreciated! XxX

 

[kingmidas1962]

Grief is a funny thing ... mum is quite jovial today. She has an, erm, sore bottom (don't ask) and said she'd rather have no knickers on, but if the automatic doors opened while she was having her tea and cake in the lounge she might accidentally flash someone! I didn't know what to say - but it was funny so I laughed ... and so did she. Strange times!

 

[Jessbow]

It IS a strange time- one minute you'll weep, and another you will laugh at the daftest things- and both are fine.

When my dear dad died, bro and I ended up laughing like drains in the car, coming back from the funeral director. The FD said we could have dad dressed in what we wanted rather than a shroud - which neither of us wanted.

My old Dad ALWAYS wore a shirt and tie, even if he wasn't going out, very smart and formally dressed man. He always said '' You never knew who might call''

In the car that day, we decided on a yellow bri-nylon tracksuit, and a Joe cool T shirt.... No, of course we didn't but we did need that thought, which made us laugh.

As it was the two grandchildren chose what he was cremated in , and again, another thing that will ALWAYS make me smile - They sent him off commando!