This is what worries me...

[Anongirl]

My mum (66 with mixed dementia) lives in a care home, it's for elderly residents with varying needs. A few have dementia but it's not a specialist dementia care home. The carers there are fantastic, so caring and understanding. They are dementia trained. The residents are well looked after and the home is clean.

Mum is deteriorating. Her confusion is getting worse unfortunately and this can lead to her having frustrated and angry outbursts when trying to help her get dressed, showered, etc. This concerns them and it has been suggested she may eventually need a specialist dementia unit.

This is my worse fear. I want her to stay in this care home but I understand their concern. This weekend I found out that a local dementia care home had a whistleblower who came forward and said she had witnessed one particular carer hitting residents and mistreating them. There was also reports of the residents being locked in their rooms at night which mum would find terribly distressing. I can't bear the thought of her ending up somewhere like that. I know they are not all like that but where she lives now is perfect, I will never find anywhere near as good. I know because I looked at many, including the one where the abuse took place.

I keep hoping this aggressive phase passes because other than that they are very happy to keep mum

 

[chris53]

Hello AG, so lovely your mum has settled into a caring environment and can understand your concerns/fear that your mum may be moved into a hell hole, I don't know if the doctor could give mum something to help calm her, chemical cosh is not always the answer but it may help however just a tiny thought, forgive me if it does not sound right "on paper" but could these understanding "angels" maybe not keep mum showered and changed so often? (except for underwear) there seems to be so many of us that experience this "fear" of showers/baths/changing clothes with our loved ones, and it's a juggle to get it right if it is just this "ordeal"for mum every day which is causing these outbursts would it hurt if she stayed in her daytime clothes or nightwear for an extra day?and just had a gentle wipe down? hoping this will ease off soon and this new phrase will pass....
Take care AG and sending a hug
Chris x

 

[Anongirl]

Hello AG, so lovely your mum has settled into a caring environment and can understand your concerns/fear that your mum may be moved into a hell hole, I don't know if the doctor could give mum something to help calm her, chemical cosh is not always the answer but it may help however just a tiny thought, forgive me if it does not sound right "on paper" but could these understanding "angels" maybe not keep mum showered and changed so often? (except for underwear) there seems to be so many of us that experience this "fear" of showers/baths/changing clothes with our loved ones, and it's a juggle to get it right if it is just this "ordeal"for mum every day which is causing these outbursts would it hurt if she stayed in her daytime clothes or nightwear for an extra day?and just had a gentle wipe down? hoping this will ease off soon and this new phrase will pass....
Take care AG and sending a hug
Chris x

Hi Chris, I believe they let her pick her own clothes out and if she needs help they try but mum often fights back, believing she doesn't need help even though she is wearing 10 pairs of knickers! (This happened, it's in her care log!). They try to shower her a couple of times a week but other than this she just has a wash if she refuses they don't push and try again later but because she is having more regular "accidents" I can imagine she needs a proper shower more often so I can understand why they want to keep her clean. She seemed to be confused today that she wasn't actually wearing pyjamas and believed she was wearing clothes. I did manage to change her by chatting and distracting but I believe the reason for that is because it's me and she completely trusts me. She seems to worry the carers are trying to steal her clothes when she undresses for a shower.

I totally see what you are saying about leaving her be though. They seemed concerned today that I would think they are not looking after her because she had been in her pyjamas all day and had a faint smell if urine which she doesn't usually have. I do respect them for not forcing her but obviously they don't want her hygiene and wellbeing to be compromised.

I guess they are trying to find a middle ground. Difficult.

 

[Anongirl]

Oh and just to add a p.s to the abuse story, the whistleblower was suspended because she didn't follow the "proper procedure" for reporting the abuse! I'm sure more will come out about this in the coming weeks/months.

When I visited this care home I certainly didn't see much evidence of 'care'. There seemed to be no interaction with the carers and residents at all. It didn't feel like a happy place. The fixtures and fittings are beautiful however. Just goes to show that you can't judge a place on its surroundings really.

 

[chris53]

Oh AG, what a total nightmare just to get the balance right, but so heartwarming her carers seem to want to go the extra mile and show consideration not only for mum but want you to know they are looking after her and are doing their best in wanting to keep mum clean I wish just for a while I could get into my mums world and try and figure out how she is thinking
Hope you have a good week and mum is less confused.
Chris x

 

[Anongirl]

This is why I want to keep her there Chris. If only I could somehow make mum understand how calm and happy her life there is and how I am trying to keep it that way. She would hate a dementia unit, I don't think she would cope at all with the change at all.

Perhaps I am being harsh but that story shook me up, I can't stop thinking about those poor people who were mistreated like that.

Thanks Chris xxx

 

[Eternity]

Hi Anongirl,

Your post has hit home with me. I am about to put mum in a regular residential home for some respite. (they had to have a long think and detailed assessment whether they would take her). It is the only home I've seen that seems good - like you, the dementia specialist homes we've been to see so far have been disappointing.

I fear that my mum will kick off with toileting, showering and that they won't be able to deal with her. (and then I try to think positive, maybe she'll be ok)

We are going to go and see a few more dementia homes while mum is there in the hope we come across a good dementia unit as a back up in case the residential home really can't cope with mum.

It is scary and I totally understand where you are coming form. Your words "if only I could somehow make mum understand...." is one of my greatest wishes.

I don't think you are harsh, you want to protect your mum, do what is best, ensure she is somewhere were the carers are good

I have no answers, but I hope a solution is found

x.

 

[Anongirl]

Hi Eternity. It's such a huge decision and when mum settled in her care home I was so relieved. The thought of all that worry about finding a good place again fills me with anxiety. I tried yesterday to chat to her about trying to be tolerant with the carers but of course she said she is always nice to them! A carer said to me yesterday that mum said to her during a shower "how would you like someone showering you?!" And the carer said she had to agree with mum because she herself would be annoyed too!

I forgot to mention that they are trying Trazadone but it doesn't seem to have made a huge difference really up to now.

 

[starryuk]

A carer said to me yesterday that mum said to her during a shower "how would you like someone showering you?!"

Your mum certainly has spirit. I Know just what she means.

 

[Anongirl]

Your mum certainly has spirit. I Know just what she means.

Hi StarryUK. This is one of the reasons I don't want her to move, I know mum is still in there and still aware of what is happening around her

 

[Eternity]

The dementia logic, so hard to argue with sometimes - I wouldn't want anyone to shower me if I thought I was perfectly fine either.

I hope the care home manager can work with you to help come up with a solution so your mum can stay there.

When they said your mum will eventually need specialist care did they mean now or have you/the care home got time to sit and try new/different approaches?

Don't give up - fight and come up with ideas with the care home if you feel that is the right place for your mum.

I think you'll know yourself deep down when/if the time comes for your mum to go to a specialist unit - but for now speak to whoever you need to and ask them what you need to do to make this work at the home your mum is at.

(sorry - you've done tihs already)

x

 

[Anongirl]

Hi Eternity, the CH had concerns about mum's growing aggression, particularly because the other residents are very elderly. I can understand that.

They called the dementia crisis team for them to do an assessment and mum was sweetness and light when they visited. The team asked the CH manager if they were able to manage mum at the moment and they said they could so the team left if that the CH would contact them if and when needed. I don't think the CH want to see her leave by any means. They are just ensuring the other residents are safe too which is commendable. Mum has days where she loves being there and spends the day helping the others and chatting and smiling but other days where she's angry at the world.

They mainly look after elderly infirm rather than dementia.

Anyway hopefully she calms a little xxx

 

[Anongirl]

Well the CH say mum has shown very little aggression this week. In fact she has been refusing her Trazadone which worried them greatly but she's been very calm without it.

I'm wondering if she had constipation (oh the things we discuss here!) because she used to get aggressive with that when she lived at home. The home are wondering this too and are keeping an eye on her toilet visits.

Another week in dementia world!

 

[garnuft]

Glad you Mum is calmer AG, hopefully that means she's feeling a little happier in herself and that is the crux. x

 

[Anongirl]

I hope so Gwen, I totally, completely hope so. I want her to be content and stay where she is cared for and safe.

I was thinking about mum today and I suddenly thought "oh my God, my mum has dementia". Sometimes it just dawns on me and I feel sick.

I see you are up late too. I'll regret this tomorrow! Night night Gwen, sleep tight xx

 

[Eternity]

That's really good news - hope your mum stays that way so she can stay at the home. Must be such a relief for you
x