I'm finding it so distressing

[Silver Lining]

My OH last night informed me that we met in different circumstances to what actually happened 47 years ago.

This wouldn't be too bad ordinarily but when he talked to me as if I was the person he had an affair with 30 years ago, (I only found out earlier in the year) I became very upset with him and "lost it", I am still coming to terms with what I found out this year.

He obviously realised what he has said, but I am left with who am I - am I "Her" or am I "Me".

He is asking me this morning what is the matter, etc etc. I just want to scream and shout but I can't can I? I hesitated in sending this but I am lost. SL

 

[Fhvn]

Oh my, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, especially when the usual means of reason and communication aren't there. Big hugs is all I can give you!


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Silver Lining

I am left with who am I - am I "Her" or am I "Me".

If it was 30 years ago and you have had a fairly decent relationship since then, try not to let it upset you too much.

Many of us have skeletons in the cupboard and it`s sad when insight and inhibitions are lost with illness. It is sometimes so much better not to know.

We can`t relive the past . I`m glad you posted, you are among friends and are probably one of many who have been shocked about past indiscretions.

 

[Silver Lining]

Oh my, I can't imagine how hard this must be for you, especially when the usual means of reason and communication aren't there. Big hugs is all I can give you!


Sent from my iPad using Talking Point

Thank You

 

[Silver Lining]

If it was 30 years ago and you have had a fairly decent relationship since then, try not to let it upset you too much.

Many of us have skeletons in the cupboard and it`s sad when insight and inhibitions are lost with illness. It is sometimes so much better not to know.

We can`t relive the past . I`m glad you posted, you are among friends and are probably one of many who have been shocked about past indiscretions.

Thank You

 

[Scarlett123]

What an awful experience for you, and how upsetting it must have been. I can't even imagine what must be going through your mind, and just want to send you a huge hug. What a lousy rotten illness this is.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello Silver Lining

I hope you don`t feel you are being served platitudes , thinking they will make you feel better.

No one can take your pain away but there is sympathy and understanding here which I hope will help, even in the smallest way possible, showing those who have replied really do care.

 

[LYN T]

Oh SL what a shock. My EX-husband had an affair-it ended our marriage. We had the luxury of being able to try to talk and sort things out-how difficult for you that you can't do that. I'm feeling very sorry for you. It doesn't matter how recently, or how long after the event, you found out -the devastation is still there.

I'm not surprised that you feel like shouting; that is a natural reaction. 30 years ago when the affair started your Husband had a choice (presumably) of walking away and he chose to stay with you. I imagine, like most marriages, you had your ups and downs but you stayed together. A long marriage is an achievement nowadays as I'm sure you would acknowledge-but that doesn't compensate you for the betrayal.

I really don't know of anything to say to make your pain go away. Do you have a close friend or family member you can talk to and share your feelings? Or can you ask your GP if you can be referred for counselling? You have enough on your plate as it is without this putting doubts in your mind as to whom you think your Husband is talking to.

My sympathy to you

Lyn T XXXXX

 

[Trisha4]

My OH last night informed me that we met in different circumstances to what actually happened 47 years ago.

This wouldn't be too bad ordinarily but when he talked to me as if I was the person he had an affair with 30 years ago, (I only found out earlier in the year) I became very upset with him and "lost it", I am still coming to terms with what I found out this year.

He obviously realised what he has said, but I am left with who am I - am I "Her" or am I "Me".

He is asking me this morning what is the matter, etc etc. I just want to scream and shout but I can't can I? I hesitated in sending this but I am lost. SL

I understand how upset you must be but if you had 30 years following the 'blip' your marriage is clearly the biggest part of both your lives. Think of all you have shared. This disease does so many odd things to the mind.

 

[cragmaid]

Go into the garage or the garden or the loo come to that....and shout.
I know you will be feeling hurt and sad and raw about this and it is probably no consolation to you to know that he won't remember today what he did wrong yesterday, let alone link it to 30 years ago.
Many of us here have been called Mum or Dad or son or daughter or even the woman from next door and it vexes us or makes us cross and these are innocent connections.
Try not to dwell on it....easy said I know.....

 

[marionq]

This is the stuff that books are made of Silver Lining - that shock which rocks you back on your heels. Do you write? Could you write it out of your system. The BBC Radio 4 look for short 15 minute stories and not in any way to make light of this you have the basis of a humdinger. I am looking across at my husband now and wondering if the day will come when he does not know me. This morning I asked him to switch on the radio and he handed me my purse and said "is this it?" - so maybe that day is not too far away.

Women can do anything and you can rise above this shock. Best wishes.

 

[Silver Lining]

What an awful experience for you, and how upsetting it must have been. I can't even imagine what must be going through your mind, and just want to send you a huge hug. What a lousy rotten illness this is.

Thank you SL

 

[Silver Lining]

I understand how upset you must be but if you had 30 years following the 'blip' your marriage is clearly the biggest part of both your lives. Think of all you have shared. This disease does so many odd things to the mind.

Thank You SL

 

[Silver Lining]

What an awful experience for you, and how upsetting it must have been. I can't even imagine what must be going through your mind, and just want to send you a huge hug. What a lousy rotten illness this is.

Thank you SL

 

[Silver Lining]

This is the stuff that books are made of Silver Lining - that shock which rocks you back on your heels. Do you write? Could you write it out of your system. The BBC Radio 4 look for short 15 minute stories and not in any way to make light of this you have the basis of a humdinger. I am looking across at my husband now and wondering if the day will come when he does not know me. This morning I asked him to switch on the radio and he handed me my purse and said "is this it?" - so maybe that day is not too far away.

Women can do anything and you can rise above this shock. Best wishes.

thank You SL

 

[Silver Lining]

This is the stuff that books are made of Silver Lining - that shock which rocks you back on your heels. Do you write? Could you write it out of your system. The BBC Radio 4 look for short 15 minute stories and not in any way to make light of this you have the basis of a humdinger. I am looking across at my husband now and wondering if the day will come when he does not know me. This morning I asked him to switch on the radio and he handed me my purse and said "is this it?" - so maybe that day is not too far away.

Women can do anything and you can rise above this shock. Best wishes.

Thank You for the thought - I do not feel strong enough to do this, and yes I am wondering if this has ever happened to anyone else.

 

[Silver Lining]

Go into the garage or the garden or the loo come to that....and shout.
I know you will be feeling hurt and sad and raw about this and it is probably no consolation to you to know that he won't remember today what he did wrong yesterday, let alone link it to 30 years ago.
Many of us here have been called Mum or Dad or son or daughter or even the woman from next door and it vexes us or makes us cross and these are innocent connections.
Try not to dwell on it....easy said I know.....

Thank you SL.

 

[Chuggalug]

My OH last night informed me that we met in different circumstances to what actually happened 47 years ago.

This wouldn't be too bad ordinarily but when he talked to me as if I was the person he had an affair with 30 years ago, (I only found out earlier in the year) I became very upset with him and "lost it", I am still coming to terms with what I found out this year.

He obviously realised what he has said, but I am left with who am I - am I "Her" or am I "Me".

He is asking me this morning what is the matter, etc etc. I just want to scream and shout but I can't can I? I hesitated in sending this but I am lost. SL

How awful for you, Silver Lining. There doesn't seem to be any way around these awful things. I'm currently in the middle of a horrible phase with my hubby. He's still on about his stolen car, he's calling the police and he's going to kill my brother.

Just now, he wants to go home to his Mum (long gone) or (again) kill my brother. It's bad.

I hope this stops soon for all our sakes. Hugs.

 

[Spamar]

It strikes me that you only found out about his affair a year ago. Are you actually sure this happened? He does have dementia, and wants to kill brother etc. If you have incontestable proof that this happened then you are right to be devastated. It just seems odd to me that it has only come out recently, while your husband has dementia.
Something OH said to me yesterday, that I had never heard him say before got me wondering. I don't believe my OH, though it could be true. OH is very good at making up things, so I wondered if yours was as well?

 

[Bubsho]

Yes it did happen because he told me 7 years ago and I told my Mum earlier this year after a string of unpleasant incidents involving my Father, I feel dreadful and reading everything on here I'm wondering if I did the right thing! My dad's behaviour was extremely aggressive towards me and in general and I know it was because of this 'secret' he told me all those years ago. I told Mum because I didn't know what to do and since then his aggression has vanished. I believe his aggression stemmed from the infidelity and the guilt he carried all those years.I know this has been incredibly painful for all of us I can't help feeling responsible for this! Should I have disappeared out of my families life? As my dad was becoming more unpleasant towards me and my Mum? I just feel all lost with it all and whilst some things are best kept unsaid I believed I was doing the right thing at the time, now I'm not so sure