Invisibles

[annie h]

Today is day 6 of my supposed holiday. I didn't go because mum was so poorly. I asked my brother to keep a close eye on things whilst I was away and he said he would try to visit "one evening next week" ie this week nearly a week after I was supposed to leave for my holiday. He can hardly have thought it was reasonable for her to be dying in NH with no family around. I wasn't prepared for her to be left on her own for days on end with strangers so I had no choice but to give up my holiday. I know from bitter experience that there's no point begging him to come down - a reluctant visitor is little better than no visitor at all.

So this evening at 7 in he walks to Mum's room (his "evening after work" visit). Can't understand why I'm there. Obvious irritation. What's going on? When I asked if he hadn't got my emails I sent last week he initially suggested he didn't then I think he remembered he'd replied to the last one! Says by way of excuse he didn't understand the emails I sent him. (I only ever email as I can't bear to speak to him on the phone any more because he's treated his mother so badly, visiting no more than about one a year for the last seven years although he's only an hour and a half away. Sometimes they didn't even answer the phone if they knew it was me.)

So which bit of "mum is extremely poorly", "end of life care" and "Just in Case medication" did he not understand, just to pick out a few examples? I am mystified, he is an intelligent person. Well no, of course I'm not really mystified, he'd have been delighted to have got away without the awkwardness of facing up to visiting his dying mother if she'd conveniently passed away. What a coward!

Isn't it amazing how Invisibles are so good at making excuses and then always try to pretend it's your fault not theirs! I didn't tell him the reason I hadn't told him that I'd cancelled my holiday was that I knew he wouldn't then come down and there would be no chance of my mother seeing her oldest child for the last time. Sadly though he's left it so late I'm not sure she will have realised who he was anyway.

Don't know why I've written this really but I suppose I feel better for doing so!

 

[blandford516]

Hi Annie H ,
I have just read your post .Unfortunately for many of us the 'invisibles' lack of interest in their parents well being is just what you said . They are either cowards or just cannot face any upset or trauma. I am only guessing here but I would say the majority of 'invisible's' are usually siblings of the male species !!not all mind . I have 3 male 'invisibles' in my so called family . Well to be honest my sister and myself are all the family left who care about mum . Like yourself I did find it unbelievable totally uncaring and extremely upsetting that people siblings can be so cold uncaring and in many cases criticise the siblings who do all the caring . Baffling really . I use to cry and get very upset because my brothers just didn't care but constantly criticised myself simply for actually getting on with the job of making sure our parents had all their benefits, carers etc. Now I have resided to the fact they are weak human beings who cannot cope . Although it was and is very stressful for myself I will do my best for my mum and at the end at least I can say that ,they cannot . That is all that matters really . So just carry on doing your best for your mum and let the 'invisibles ' well do what they are best at 'nothing' ! Take care x

 

[blandford516]

ps
On reflection I should retract what I said it was wrong . I would say the majority of 'invisible's' are siblings .Sorry if I offended all you lovely caring guys out there . I am just annoyed with my 3 brothers and should not make assumptions like that . Hope you forgive me

 

[starryuk]

They are either cowards or just cannot face any upset or trauma.

...of course, it is easy for the rest of us, because we are brave/don't feel the upset as keenly as they do.

 

[handyjack]

Ahh families,, where would we be without them? At our home, some residents have wonderful families who visit at every opportunity. Others have families who visit rarely, even though they live within reasonable travelling distance. We try not to let our own feelings cloud our judgement though, as we don't know the history of the family. I do know that some family members (for whatever reason) just don't get along together (and I personally don't want to know the reasons) We just do what we do and leave family issues to the families, but do our best to support them, just as much as our residents.

 

[CJW]

Mum was in hospital last week and one afternoon as I was leaving I almost collided with a lady who was in tears. I asked her if I could help and she explained she had just had a fight with her brother becuase after years of looking after her mother, who has dementia, she could no longer care for her at home. The brother refuses to understand how unsafe his mother is and is refusing to allow her to go ahead and find a CH. With no siblings I have to cope alone but talking with this lady made me realise that it might just be easier!
I do feel for you and am so sorry. With love

 

[vickic]

I'm not gonna lie, some brothers are lame!! I have 2, 1 makes a point of coming regularly the other.. doesn't!! He feels the same anxiety and grief but sometimes, some men can't cope with the reality of end of life care.
You are not alone, there is not much we can do to change their behaviour, but I believe it's "nature" not "nurture"
That's what let's me sleep at night!!

 

[Quilty]

They are not all men

My invisible is my sister who left my mother in A&E with a TIA as she had to go home and feed her cat. I was waiting for my kids who were on their way home from school and got there as soon as I physically could, to find an 80 year old woman left on her own. At that point we thought it was a stroke not a TIA.

I am a firm believer in karma so its best to forget about them and just get on with the process of living. When my mother eventually goes I will have nothing to feel guilty about, and my children are learning that family takes care of each other. Let them stay invisible.