sorry to say. I have gone out to night and got very pickled .. I don't come here often,. mam has recently been diagnosed. with alzhiemers. I am struggling with it. I know getting pickled is not a good plan, but I am really struggling with the whole future and what I can do . mam is 81. a very young and perky 81 ear old. but her head has gone. I have been with her twice today.first at about 12 walking my dog. and again at about 5pm for tea..(we had a nice salad,,, I try and get good food into her) since then she has phoned me 5times. asking what she has done and where she has been. hells bells. I don't know what to say. all I could think of saying was ;mam, are you ok have you had a nice day. hells bells , I know it is gonna get worse, and I am really struggling with it all. . any advice would be great.,,, I just feel like I need a hand to hold right now....
2. 30 am and i am drunk. not a good plan. please tell me how to do this
- Thread starter spuddle
- Start date
Hello. Most of us need a night out once in awhile. Unfortunately, many caregivers turn to alcohol in an effort to handle their stress, I learned from reading the book, The 36-Hour Day.
If you could spend more time on the site, you will find out what dementia looks like, how you can help find the resources you will need, and even how you might manage your emotional responses to the illness. Many of us feel abandoned when the diagnosis first comes in - like our parent just isn't going to be there for us any longer. My three older sisters seem to have responded to my mother's dementia this way. And they don't have any real knowledge about the disease.
One thing I might mention is that alcohol can actually create problems related to dementia, so probably using it less might be a good thing. In the meantime, though, I hope you feel better about yourself and your situation soon. It's not an easy road to walk, and we all have things we end up doing that we wish we might have done differently. I hope you are okay.
If you could spend more time on the site, you will find out what dementia looks like, how you can help find the resources you will need, and even how you might manage your emotional responses to the illness. Many of us feel abandoned when the diagnosis first comes in - like our parent just isn't going to be there for us any longer. My three older sisters seem to have responded to my mother's dementia this way. And they don't have any real knowledge about the disease.
One thing I might mention is that alcohol can actually create problems related to dementia, so probably using it less might be a good thing. In the meantime, though, I hope you feel better about yourself and your situation soon. It's not an easy road to walk, and we all have things we end up doing that we wish we might have done differently. I hope you are okay.
me again. the thin that makes me sad and upset. is that I know there is no cure/ no answer/ . mam has started the pills.. donepezil. there seems to be no improvement in her condition. every night I phone her.' mam have you had your memory pills' WHAT MEM0RY PILL, so you see how it goes. so here I go.. put the memory pills by the phone . phone heR. WHAT MEMORY PILLS.. anyway I just call them memory pills, she would be mortified to think that she had a thing called ALZHIMERS. im sure that one day I will have to tell her;. ANOTHER BIT OF ADVICE NEEDED. I HAVENT T0LD DVLA AND INSURANCE. I KNOW I HAVE TO BUT I AM SCARED . ADVICE PLEASE
It sounds as if you are doing your best to cope with the day-to-day, but you will need help, probably sooner rather than later.
If you have siblings, you will need to have a family meeting to talk about preparing for the future. If not, then you will yourself need to learn more about your mother's financial situation and her wishes regarding her end-of-life care. These are not easy things to discuss, but hopefully you have discussed them with her before now.
Your system is very different from ours. You might want to see if someone from a local Alzheimer's association office would talk with you about your situation, helping you to know where you are and what you can do to make sure your mother is safe, secure, happy, and cared for.
If your mother is driving, you will want to talk about this with her GP and seek advice as to whether she can continue to drive. If she can't, then you need to live closer to her or ask someone to look in on her and make sure she has food stocked, etc.
Your life is going to change more than you'd like it to. We all live there.
If you have siblings, you will need to have a family meeting to talk about preparing for the future. If not, then you will yourself need to learn more about your mother's financial situation and her wishes regarding her end-of-life care. These are not easy things to discuss, but hopefully you have discussed them with her before now.
Your system is very different from ours. You might want to see if someone from a local Alzheimer's association office would talk with you about your situation, helping you to know where you are and what you can do to make sure your mother is safe, secure, happy, and cared for.
If your mother is driving, you will want to talk about this with her GP and seek advice as to whether she can continue to drive. If she can't, then you need to live closer to her or ask someone to look in on her and make sure she has food stocked, etc.
Your life is going to change more than you'd like it to. We all live there.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. . yes I have only recently come to this site.. I was really lost and wanted to understand this disease. . also . you say about alcohol. . yeah as you can tell I drink sometimes to stop the hurting.. so yes hopefully we can all help things
Late night phone calls
Hi there,
My mom is 4 years in to her diagnosis of dementia now and getting a little worse as time goes on.
At this stage she doesn't remember what she did an hour ago. Doesn't know where she's been, who she has seen, even where she lives..
She is living in her own home about 2 miles away but she stays with my family and I until bed time when I drive her back.
We quite often get phone calls now at any time of night, telling us where she is, asking if there is anyone else who lives with her, if she can stay there.
My husband and I made up some leaflets, her photo on the back, pictures of the house inside and wrote down the answers to the questions she asked most - her address, how long she has been there, her usual daily routine etc. We left one of these next to each phone, on her mantle and in her handbag. They have worked really well. The haven't stopped every call but now on the odd occasion that she calls we can direct her to the leaflet, she reads it and it settles her. I don't know if that would work for you? We also got a large clock with the date on it. She cant read 24 hour digital clocks any more so we had to get the old fashioned type.
I got an electronic pill dispenser from Amazon which will give her medications at a set time and is lockable so she cant take too many. They can be set to go off up to 4 times a day and they really do work well. Mom doesn't even realise she is taking her meds now, she is just so used to hearing the alarm and seeing the flashing light. She goes over and takes her tablets with no problem. Before that she would give out about the amount of medication she was on. We got a dispenser with a solid lid so she cant see all the tablets at once.
I hope some of those ideas help for you. My girls drew a nice canvas with a family tree on and her home in the middle too. I guess just surrounding her with the answers to the questions is what helps for us - it doesn't stop the calls/questions but it reduced them hugely.
I would consider keeping a diary as well - just so she knows who she has seen and what she has done that day.
Hi there,
My mom is 4 years in to her diagnosis of dementia now and getting a little worse as time goes on.
At this stage she doesn't remember what she did an hour ago. Doesn't know where she's been, who she has seen, even where she lives..
She is living in her own home about 2 miles away but she stays with my family and I until bed time when I drive her back.
We quite often get phone calls now at any time of night, telling us where she is, asking if there is anyone else who lives with her, if she can stay there.
My husband and I made up some leaflets, her photo on the back, pictures of the house inside and wrote down the answers to the questions she asked most - her address, how long she has been there, her usual daily routine etc. We left one of these next to each phone, on her mantle and in her handbag. They have worked really well. The haven't stopped every call but now on the odd occasion that she calls we can direct her to the leaflet, she reads it and it settles her. I don't know if that would work for you? We also got a large clock with the date on it. She cant read 24 hour digital clocks any more so we had to get the old fashioned type.
I got an electronic pill dispenser from Amazon which will give her medications at a set time and is lockable so she cant take too many. They can be set to go off up to 4 times a day and they really do work well. Mom doesn't even realise she is taking her meds now, she is just so used to hearing the alarm and seeing the flashing light. She goes over and takes her tablets with no problem. Before that she would give out about the amount of medication she was on. We got a dispenser with a solid lid so she cant see all the tablets at once.
I hope some of those ideas help for you. My girls drew a nice canvas with a family tree on and her home in the middle too. I guess just surrounding her with the answers to the questions is what helps for us - it doesn't stop the calls/questions but it reduced them hugely.
I would consider keeping a diary as well - just so she knows who she has seen and what she has done that day.
Good morning Spuddle.
Life is hard when dementia is part of it and get harder as the disease progresses but there are things we can do to make it a but easier.
Firstly, try not to let drinking be your way of dealing with it. Having a drink for pleasure is fine but once you start to use it to support you taking care of your Mum then you too have a problem and nothing has changed, you still have your Mum to worry about and you will find it more difficult to cope.
When. Mum rings you answer her questions but try not to ask her questions. She is having difficulty remembering and will be confused so just remind her as to what she has done. It is difficult to start with but it does get easier. So the call will start with, hello Mum, we had a lovely day, walking the dog was great and I enjoyed having my tea with you, that salad was very tasty.
CJinUSA is right, you will get the support you need from the forum. We are a very large group of carers who have all dealt with and are still dealing with dementia in all it's forms so know how it is affecting you and can support you and help you get through it. Alzheimer's Society have a help line, give them a ring.
Has your Mum had an assessment? If not ring Social Services and ask for one. She is legally entitled to one. From the assessment you will find out what help she needs and the wheels are set in motion to get this help. You too as her carer will be entitled to an assessment to see what your needs are to help you care for your Mum. There are benefits too like Attendance Allowance that is a benefit your Mum may be entitled to to help pay for any care she may need. If she lives alone then she need not pay council tax, ring your local authority for a form. You will need to provide evidence that she has dementia to claim exemption but simple enough to do.
Hopefully this morning you are not feeling too fragile and you can make a few phone calls and get things moving to help you and your Mum.
Take care,
Jay
Life is hard when dementia is part of it and get harder as the disease progresses but there are things we can do to make it a but easier.
Firstly, try not to let drinking be your way of dealing with it. Having a drink for pleasure is fine but once you start to use it to support you taking care of your Mum then you too have a problem and nothing has changed, you still have your Mum to worry about and you will find it more difficult to cope.
When. Mum rings you answer her questions but try not to ask her questions. She is having difficulty remembering and will be confused so just remind her as to what she has done. It is difficult to start with but it does get easier. So the call will start with, hello Mum, we had a lovely day, walking the dog was great and I enjoyed having my tea with you, that salad was very tasty.
CJinUSA is right, you will get the support you need from the forum. We are a very large group of carers who have all dealt with and are still dealing with dementia in all it's forms so know how it is affecting you and can support you and help you get through it. Alzheimer's Society have a help line, give them a ring.
Has your Mum had an assessment? If not ring Social Services and ask for one. She is legally entitled to one. From the assessment you will find out what help she needs and the wheels are set in motion to get this help. You too as her carer will be entitled to an assessment to see what your needs are to help you care for your Mum. There are benefits too like Attendance Allowance that is a benefit your Mum may be entitled to to help pay for any care she may need. If she lives alone then she need not pay council tax, ring your local authority for a form. You will need to provide evidence that she has dementia to claim exemption but simple enough to do.
Hopefully this morning you are not feeling too fragile and you can make a few phone calls and get things moving to help you and your Mum.
Take care,
Jay
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Good morning Spuddle. I hope you are OK today.
Jaymor has said everything I would want to say. Please get your mum an assessment. (Here is a link which explains the process - http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/download_info.php?fileID=1812) Even if all you get is a carer coming in to make sure that your mum takes her medication that would be useful.
I know it isn't easy. This Forum will help you - use it often.
Take care.
Jaymor has said everything I would want to say. Please get your mum an assessment. (Here is a link which explains the process - http://www.alzheimers.org.uk/site/scripts/download_info.php?fileID=1812) Even if all you get is a carer coming in to make sure that your mum takes her medication that would be useful.
I know it isn't easy. This Forum will help you - use it often.
Take care.
Hi Spuddle hope you're okay.
My MIL is on 5 tablets daily one is Aricept (Donepezil)
She regularly asks what they are for and I explain and she always laughs when I remind her that Aricept is for her memory!
We have never discussed the diagnosis of Dementia, it would upset her, and she would forget so I see no benefit. She quite readily accepts she has a poor memory and I reassure her that is why we are there supporting her. If we have SS round or any other medic appt we just say it's a service for people with memory problems.
The GP changed her Aricept from evening to morning so it is easier to manage all her tablets at once.
We have the chemist make up a blister pack for her. Actually the GP said "I don't mind when you take them as long as you take them" which is sound advice I think.
Initially this was a real struggle she would go for days and forget to take them so now I have an alarm on my phone which reminds me to ring her (!)
The conversation is always the same...have you taken your meds.......yes I have....can you go and check........what day is it? ....oh no I haven't (laughs) then assures me she will take them immediately. Usually she does but it's not a completely fail safe method.
She is currently living well with dementia independently but with lots of support (no "carer" as such yet) but cleaner (come home help), gardener, hairdresser who comes to her home and then we sort out her shopping, finance, med appts, maintenance etc.
We got the low rate Attendance allowance for her to help pay for all these things. Having Dementia also exemption from paying Council Tax. Her GP signed a medical certificate - it was easy enough to apply to local council, they backdated it too.
She goes to luncheon club once a week & gets collected in the mini bus.
So I think life is okay for her, but who knows, as she forgets everything so quickly.
Take care, there is help & advice out there, but sometimes you have to search very hard to find it. Alz Soc will certainly be a source of advice or point you in the right direction.
Your GP will give you advice re driving & telling DVLA, my MIL drove after diagnosis but when the car failed it's MOT she made the decision not to have another car.
My MIL is on 5 tablets daily one is Aricept (Donepezil)
She regularly asks what they are for and I explain and she always laughs when I remind her that Aricept is for her memory!
We have never discussed the diagnosis of Dementia, it would upset her, and she would forget so I see no benefit. She quite readily accepts she has a poor memory and I reassure her that is why we are there supporting her. If we have SS round or any other medic appt we just say it's a service for people with memory problems.
The GP changed her Aricept from evening to morning so it is easier to manage all her tablets at once.
We have the chemist make up a blister pack for her. Actually the GP said "I don't mind when you take them as long as you take them" which is sound advice I think.
Initially this was a real struggle she would go for days and forget to take them so now I have an alarm on my phone which reminds me to ring her (!)
The conversation is always the same...have you taken your meds.......yes I have....can you go and check........what day is it? ....oh no I haven't (laughs) then assures me she will take them immediately. Usually she does but it's not a completely fail safe method.
She is currently living well with dementia independently but with lots of support (no "carer" as such yet) but cleaner (come home help), gardener, hairdresser who comes to her home and then we sort out her shopping, finance, med appts, maintenance etc.
We got the low rate Attendance allowance for her to help pay for all these things. Having Dementia also exemption from paying Council Tax. Her GP signed a medical certificate - it was easy enough to apply to local council, they backdated it too.
She goes to luncheon club once a week & gets collected in the mini bus.
So I think life is okay for her, but who knows, as she forgets everything so quickly.
Take care, there is help & advice out there, but sometimes you have to search very hard to find it. Alz Soc will certainly be a source of advice or point you in the right direction.
Your GP will give you advice re driving & telling DVLA, my MIL drove after diagnosis but when the car failed it's MOT she made the decision not to have another car.
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Hello again. And how are you doing this morning? It's a new day, and I hope things will feel better for you. I went to bed and missed your other messages. Until my mother started living with us (beginning in 2008), I sort of took sleep for granted. Now, I need to try to sleep whenever I feel I can!
You have had many really helpful responses here. Taking care of a parent is a lot of work, but the system where you live is set up to assist your efforts - it's very different from what is available here. I am glad you found this forum and know that if you stick with it and come back often with your questions, you'll find someone (or many!) here who can help.
Mostly I wanted to say that this is a disease that changes people's lives - not just the one who has it but all those around her and him. As my father said to me once, during one of his rare lucid moments before he died, "I never wanted to be like this." No one wants to be like this, but they are, and they can't help it. We all feel helpless at first, and then we learn more and get more used to the diagnosis, and we move forward. I personally live by the little saying "Whatever doesn't kill me will make me stronger." My mother's dementia and my sisters' abandonment of her is one of those things that has made me stronger.
The first thing to do is admit you are having difficulty, and you've done that. It gets better from here, as you become more used to dealing with these stresses and know that many others of us know what you are going through.
I hope you come back today and let us know you're okay.
thank you all so much for your replies.. needless to say my head hurts today. wine may help but it is very unforgiving. I am so very grateful that you people are here. I feel very alone with this. my sister lives in Greece and neither of us have kids so it looks like its me and the cats helping mam. I really need to be here on the forum often... just so I can talk to people in the same situation as me. . I feel so awful that I cant do anything about mams condition. yes. also I don't tell her she has alzheimers as it is a very scary word for her.
thanks again. this is a really important site and place for us to be. x
thanks again. this is a really important site and place for us to be. x
Hi Spuddle. My husband (68) was diagnosed with early stage AD at the beginning of the year. I know exactly what you are going through and how you are feeling. Despite the excellent advice people have already given you here, it seems impossible right now to get your head round things. You know there's a lot of things to get done and sort out, you don't know where to start and your mind keeps coming back and back to the news you've just had. I know, love, been there, done that, got the T shirt.
Trust me, things will gradually clarify in your head but don't expect to do everything at once even though, right now, you feel you have to. Take some time to think and calm a little. Then, looking at the advice others have given you on here, try and decide what is the most important thing to do first. Do it. Just that one thing and sort it. Take a breather. (With maybe ONE glass of wine!!) Try and think about what's next. And so on.
Thinking of you and sending a big hug. x
Trust me, things will gradually clarify in your head but don't expect to do everything at once even though, right now, you feel you have to. Take some time to think and calm a little. Then, looking at the advice others have given you on here, try and decide what is the most important thing to do first. Do it. Just that one thing and sort it. Take a breather. (With maybe ONE glass of wine!!) Try and think about what's next. And so on.
Thinking of you and sending a big hug. x
again thank you so much for your answers and helpful relplies; I have phoned mam today. she hasn't got a clue that I have= spoken to her. so yes.. thank you so much for understanding the mad crazy stuff .... an yes. I will stay here more often so maybe I can help other people who are struggling like me. thanks again
This is a wonderful site, and I think you have found the right place to vent. I used to have too much wine at night and then, in my reading about people's - esp women's - responses to being caregivers learned that alcohol abuse is pretty high among caregivers (it's in the book I mentioned). So I am very, very moderate now, and as a result I feel better and have lost a bit of weight, too.
I hope you continue to come back and use this as a resource. I'm sorry you are facing this, but you will likely get some help soon, if you work toward it, and this might also actually be good for your mother. My mother loves her caregivers who come and work with her in our home. She perks up each morning and asks "Who is coming today?" It has worked well for us here.
I hope you continue to come back and use this as a resource. I'm sorry you are facing this, but you will likely get some help soon, if you work toward it, and this might also actually be good for your mother. My mother loves her caregivers who come and work with her in our home. She perks up each morning and asks "Who is coming today?" It has worked well for us here.
still struggling
thank you so much for your replies. it is so good to know that there are other people doing this like me/ . I feel so selfish cos I keep thinking oh poor little me. I should be grateful for at least knowing what is going on and knowing that maybe I can help. having said that. I still really don't know how I can. im new to alzhiemers. yet again me and mam have been for a dog walk and a Chinese take away,. yet again as I say bye to her she has not a clue where she has been or what she has done. .... I know it is going to get easier as I will always know that whatever I do with her she wont have a clue but im still struggling.... any advice... yes tomorrow I will say hi mam what did you do yesterday and she wont know. ./. any more advice. you have given me lots . polly x
thank you so much for your replies. it is so good to know that there are other people doing this like me/ . I feel so selfish cos I keep thinking oh poor little me. I should be grateful for at least knowing what is going on and knowing that maybe I can help. having said that. I still really don't know how I can. im new to alzhiemers. yet again me and mam have been for a dog walk and a Chinese take away,. yet again as I say bye to her she has not a clue where she has been or what she has done. .... I know it is going to get easier as I will always know that whatever I do with her she wont have a clue but im still struggling.... any advice... yes tomorrow I will say hi mam what did you do yesterday and she wont know. ./. any more advice. you have given me lots . polly x
Hi spuddle
The best advice my sister and I ever got was from a psychiatrist from the Psychiatry of Old Age Service, who said "don't sweat the small stuff". At the time, it seemed to us that all the stuff was big stuff -and that was with one parent (mum) with dementia. Once dad was also diagnosed, it was amazing what we then classified as 'small stuff'.
Alcohol won't help -your GP and Social Services can and should. That said, the odd blitz now and again is everyone's right.
I've only just found this forum though my parents were diagnosed within 6 months of each other in 2010.
We're all at different points on this god awful journey and hopefully we can help each other along the way.
Good luck.
The best advice my sister and I ever got was from a psychiatrist from the Psychiatry of Old Age Service, who said "don't sweat the small stuff". At the time, it seemed to us that all the stuff was big stuff -and that was with one parent (mum) with dementia. Once dad was also diagnosed, it was amazing what we then classified as 'small stuff'.
Alcohol won't help -your GP and Social Services can and should. That said, the odd blitz now and again is everyone's right.
I've only just found this forum though my parents were diagnosed within 6 months of each other in 2010.
We're all at different points on this god awful journey and hopefully we can help each other along the way.
Good luck.
Dear spuddle, Nearly every day minimum every other day because sometimes physically she cannot cope I take mum out. She lives with me and I have some friends who visit for coffee and they all talk to mum. My point is every day she forgets we've been out and sometimes complains she bored and lonely. I have now accepted that I do all of this because if she forgets or not she has had the stimulation and activity. Since 7am mum has been dressed with hat, coat and gloves ready to go out! Its an 'at home' day today because expecting visitors who will be staying over night, I know she will enjoy this, but can guarantee by tomorrow lunch time when they have gone, she will be bored and lonely again!!
