Everyone thinks I'm less upset because I'd grieved during the illness

[Lancshiker]

My Dad passed away on Tuesday and, the thing is, I never really thought about the Alzheimers whilst it was happening because, if I had, I wouldn't have been able to continue supporting Dad without cracking up, which would have been zero use to him. The contrast between the person he was and the person he'd become was too difficult to look at square on. So I just kind of accepted the person in front of me and carried on.

When Dad died, I let myself look a little bit behind the 'this is how he was before' curtain and it's terrible. It's like a double whammy that I don't know how to deal with. I know I have to face it but I'm scared to let myself feel anything in case it floors me. I have to go back to work next week.

 

[SallyPotter]

I was the same when my parents died in March, don't worry about what anybody else thinks, you know whats real to you. Look after yourself and take care of yourself, I contacted Cruse for counseling in case I needed help putting things into perspective, they were a help. you can face things with time, now there isn't any hurry. I'm still remembering things 4 months on and if I allow it it breaks my heart. Be honest with work about how you feel, you will be in shock for a bit.
Take care and lots of love
Sally x

 

[cragmaid]

I'm so sorry you have lost your Dad. I understand what you mean abut not looking behind the day to day management because when you do...oh boy is it painful!.

Remember that you are still grieving and if you are having trouble managing work, please see your GP and ask for a sick note to give yourself more time. It is very difficult to stop caring.
With Sympathy....Maureen.x.

 

[Gigglemore]

So sorry for the loss of your Dad and for the pain that allowing yourself to look back and grieve for your "real" Dad is causing.

Your post made me cry for you so although I have no useful advice, I just wanted to express my sympathy for your loss. Perhaps those close to you had seen the grief and strain that you were under while caring for your Dad at the end of his journey and have been making comments in an attempt to comfort you which have not recognised that you are now grieving for that "pre-dementia" Dad as well.

I do hope that you get the support you need at this difficult time.

 

[rajahh]

I found after my husband died I really mourned for the husband he used to be. I thought I had grieved all along the caring route but as you say it suddenly hits you.

I wept many times but am calmer now.

We have to grieve in the way which we feel, nit what "the world"says .

 

[WILLIAMR]

I found after my husband died I really mourned for the husband he used to be. I thought I had grieved all along the caring route but as you say it suddenly hits you.

I wept many times but am calmer now.

We have to grieve in the way which we feel, nit what "the world"says .

Hi rajah

When my mother died we had some vulchers come around asking for some of the estate.
In view of this Dad told me to grab the money asap when he passes away and I followed his instructions and several people thought I was just after the money.

Later I found the vulchers had died but I still think I did the correct thing as they had offspring who I had never met.

William

 

[Saffie]

When Dad died, I let myself look a little bit behind the 'this is how he was before' curtain and it's terrible. It's like a double whammy that I don't know how to deal with.

I completely understand how you feel. It does hit you so hard. It certainly has me and I was not prepared for the utter desolation I now feel and which, I'm sure others cannot see nor understand.
I don't think that already having lost a person to dementia makes it any easier to lose them all over again to death and you have my utmost sympathy.
I hope that as time passes, you will will find it more bearable. x

 

[Jessbow]

My father died suddenly - it completely wiped the floor with me. he was diagnosed with bladder cancer and died 4 weeks later, not quite 2 years ago

That left me with Mum to care for...She had dementia, and whilst caring for her, I think we DO grieve for what we had, in terms of a person that is now very different from the one we knew.

When mum died in early June, a huge mum shaped hole opening in my world, and although during her illness I do think I grieved for what she was, after she went, it turned to a grief that the very person had gone-

Difficult to explain, but I do understand how you feel - and no , people don't understand.

Maybe when they are alive but suffocated with dementia, we grieve for WHAT they were
When they are gone its Who they were.

 

[Lancshiker]

Thanks so much everyone for your kind words. They really helped. Especially that others understand the person they were before. Other people don't get that. They think 'oh well, he had dementia. So it's a relief, right?' Wrong. So glad you guys get that. Thank you so much and I send you lots of love for the difficulties you're all still experiencing too.

 

[Dellington]

"They think 'oh well, he had dementia. So it's a relief, right?' Wrong."

Those who say that they just don't think, I mean they don't use their brain, they don't mirror their own feelings. It's so cold, so emotionless and so cruel. It's NOT a relief as the pain and thoughts come right after.
Hang in there Lanc and everything will work out, slowly but it will.