Dad struggling to cope

[toffegirl]

Hi. I've just found this forum & you all seem to be very brave. My mum was diagnosed with AD about 18 nths ago but had been losing her memory for years before that. My dad is her main carer (he is 81 and had a heart bypass a few years ago). He is starting to struggle with mum's behaviour. She wants to go out ALL the time. She goes out walking for miles everyday. When she gets home she wants my dad to take her out somewhere in the car. He takes her out EVERYDAY but its never enough. He took her to the seaside for the whole day yesterday -when they got home he made tea (she never cooks or even makes a cup of tea)- straight after tea she wanted to go out again and accused my dad of never taking her anywhere! This happens most days & dad is exhausted. When mum is home she listens to the same cd over and over again very loudly and does exercises to it. I'm currently on chemo so cant help as much as i want to. Btw mum doesnt believe that i have cancer. I feel so sorry for both of them and dont know what to do. Theyve been married for 57yrs but mum is being so horrible to dad (not her fault). Sorry for the long post but had to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading x

 

[Zsazsa]

Hi. I've just found this forum & you all seem to be very brave. My mum was diagnosed with AD about 18 nths ago but had been losing her memory for years before that. My dad is her main carer (he is 81 and had a heart bypass a few years ago). He is starting to struggle with mum's behaviour. She wants to go out ALL the time. She goes out walking for miles everyday. When she gets home she wants my dad to take her out somewhere in the car. He takes her out EVERYDAY but its never enough. He took her to the seaside for the whole day yesterday -when they got home he made tea (she never cooks or even makes a cup of tea)- straight after tea she wanted to go out again and accused my dad of never taking her anywhere! This happens most days & dad is exhausted. When mum is home she listens to the same cd over and over again very loudly and does exercises to it. I'm currently on chemo so cant help as much as i want to. Btw mum doesnt believe that i have cancer. I feel so sorry for both of them and dont know what to do. Theyve been married for 57yrs but mum is being so horrible to dad (not her fault). Sorry for the long post but had to get it off my chest. Thanks for reading x

Dear Toffeegirl, I do feel for you all in this sad situation. Your poor dad! Your poor mum! And not forgetting you with all you're going through. I'm sure someone with more experience than me will be along to offer you some suggestions, but meanwhile, I just wanted to say I'm thinking of you and sending you a big hug.
Zsazsa

 

[toffegirl]

Thankyou Zsazsa - all hugs gratefully received x

 

[toffegirl]

Thankyou Zsazsa - all hugs gratefully received x

 

[cathykins]

Hi Toffeegirl, so sorry to hear about your struggle. As you rightly say, your Mum's behaviour is a result of her condition, but that doesn't mean that it isn't challenging and exhausting for your Dad. Have you enquired about respite care for your Mum? There are day centres for people with dementia, and also home care, which can sometimes be provided free, depending on your circumstances. Does she have a social worker? If so, they can provide details of help available in your area.

My Dad has also been struggling to look after my Mum (they are both 85), but we have just put her name on a waiting list to go into a dementia care home. We can all still visit her every day, but it means that she is being looked after by people who are used to the symptoms of the condition. I also think it is harder to care for someone with dementia if you are emotionally attached to them. It was the hardest decision we had to make, but I know it is the right one.

The best advice I was given was to be one step ahead of the game, and try to make arrangements for the next phase before you need them.

Good luck to you and your family, and your own struggle with cancer.

 

[toffegirl]

Hi Cathykins. Thanks for your advice. We did get a social worker involved a few months ago when mum went missing on one of her walks (the police helicopter was out looking for her - it seems she caught a bus to a town about 7 miles away and then didnt know how to get home -she refuses to carry a mobile phone!). Anyway since the SW made her initial visit mum refuses to let anyone else in the house and will not go to a daycare centre. She's like a stroppy teenager!
It sounds like your dad is in a similar position but hopefully the care home can take the pressure off your family whilst still allowing quality time with your mum. I hope it all goes smoothly for you.
Good luck & lots of hugs
xxx

 

[Sprog2]

Hi,
Such a difficult situation. I have only been using this forum for a couple of days but have found the other members so helpful and full of insight. My Dad has always had 'ants in his pants' but this is proving problematic now he has Alzheimers. He is a 'walker' who, increasingly, is getting lost and ending up being found by the Police, he wears a card around his neck explaining his illness, giving his details and contact number. He doesn't know how to use a mobile phone anymore and it has reached the stage where we feel he is too vulnerable to be out alone so will be trying to make some changes (he is lovely but so stubborn). What I have noticed is that although he finds many things difficult or unfathomable he is, increasingly, a real creature of habit and he can still tell the time in a meaningful way. He has decided that 11.30 am is the time he needs to go out. Increasingly now when he goes out on his own he is out for hours and gets lost but today I took him out just for a half an hour walk and he was suitably tired out on our return. What I'm trying to say is that if your mum could get used to a routine of going out at a certain time and not other times it may decrease her constant feelings that she should be out. Also I do not see the benefit of taking her out for hours unless your father wants to as it is exhausting him for no purpose if it does not register with your Mum anyway. I would keep outings short and sweet to conserve energy. I'm just giving suggestions here to try and ease the burden, unfortunately I too do not have the answers. Wish you all the Best though. S x

 

[toffegirl]

Hi Sprog2
Thanks for your suggestions. I think shorter outings may be the way forward. Good luck with your Dad xx

 

[Sprog2]

Hi Sprog2
Thanks for your suggestions. I think shorter outings may be the way forward. Good luck with your Dad xx

Thank you, he is much more settled this week. Sending Good Luck Wishes to you and your family, I hope you all find a workable way forward xxx

 

[pamann]

Hello toffeegirl your mother sounds like my husband, he has to go out everyday, l have been taking him out for 5yrs most days but l am getting tired he goes off walking gets lost gone for hours, then won't settle when he gets home your father must be worn out, l am thinking of taking my husband to an Alzheimers club to give him somewhere to go and give me a break, l won't tell him where we are going or he wouldn't go see how we get on, he may like it he seems to like people around him all the time, try it with your mother she might like it, l wish you well with your health ♥♥♥


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