More Decline

[21citrouilles]

My mother has moved to a NH 18 months ago and has adapted well. The staff and care there are outstanding. No worries on that front - I know that when I leave after a visit in her area, I need not worry about her.

We live far away fom each other. In previous posts, I was expressing sadness about our not speaking on the phone anymore, as it was our only contact because of the distance.

When we arrived in Nova Scotia last week, I then witnessed further progression of the disease. She gets caught in a loop of always asking the same questions and having a difficult time understanding the answers. Not a minute passes before the same sequence of questions starts again. It's so draining, for her and us. She's hard to distract as her mind is fixated on the same concerns. It feels quite surreal to see her like this - the mother I know acting so strangely.

However, she still recognizes us - a real miracle considering her state. The love bond between us is still as strong - this is awe inspiring. No confusion about our feelings of love...

We tried taking her out like we did previously but she didn't seem to really enjoy it, fretting more and then becoming really scared and disoriented when we returned her to the NH, so now we only visit her there, and it seems less upsetting for her.

This is difficult, to say it midly. I'm upset too by these further losses.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time with your mother's decline. It is so hard to acknowledge the changes as they are not good. Having such a distance between you makes it even harder. I know you don't see her very often and you must have obvious changes to deal with.

I did find with my mother that her world shrank. At the beginning, we would go for long drives, spending 4 or 5 hours driving, stopping for a coffee and a walk, strolling. Then we found she was starting to get agitated so we shortened our trips down, then down, then down. We ended up driving to a park only 10 minutes away or walking across the street to a coffee shop. Eventually she went into a wheelchair so no more trips out, just circling around the nursing home.

It is sad the way their worlds shrink and shrink, till it's only the nursing home.

 

[RobinH]

Have you thought of trying a Skype call? She may realise it's you, and you will get a feel for how she is.

 

[Witzend]

I do so sympathise. It is very hard when you get into the 'endless same question' routine and can no longer have any sort of proper conversation. And I had the same, with taking my mother out. For quite a while she would enjoy it, but later would always start fretting very quickly that she had to 'get back' for 'the children' or something else from the distant past. It must be particularly hard for you when you are so far away.

 

[copsham]

Hello Citrouille
It must be extra hard from a distance but then what about dementia is not extra hard? I am at the stage of thinking that maybe I should stop taking her out for 20 mins drive as last time I did so she collapsed and ended up at casualty.


I thought skyping might be a good idea but it did not work for us. It was very hard to make conversation without falling in to asking questions which obviously fell in to an abyss. I commented on as much as I could, nice jumper, nice haircut, family news but the rapport did not even begin. Oh well worth a try!

The one saving grace for you and I is that our mothers are in a nursing home that we are very confident in.

 

[21citrouilles]

I'm sorry you're having a rough time with your mother's decline. It is so hard to acknowledge the changes as they are not good. Having such a distance between you makes it even harder. I know you don't see her very often and you must have obvious changes to deal with.

I did find with my mother that her world shrank. At the beginning, we would go for long drives, spending 4 or 5 hours driving, stopping for a coffee and a walk, strolling. Then we found she was starting to get agitated so we shortened our trips down, then down, then down. We ended up driving to a park only 10 minutes away or walking across the street to a coffee shop. Eventually she went into a wheelchair so no more trips out, just circling around the nursing home.

It is sad the way their worlds shrink and shrink, till it's only the nursing home.

Thanks dear for you words. You got it right: a shrinking world, this is so sad. It's hard or her to enjoy things she previously liked because of this agitation. And yes, if I lived near, I would get used more gradually to the progression. And this disease always progresses, unfortunately.

 

[21citrouilles]

Have you thought of trying a Skype call? She may realise it's you, and you will get a feel for how she is.

Thanks Robin for the suggestion. Strangely enough, when I spoke wih my mother on the phone, she always managed to sound better than she was.

 

[21citrouilles]

I do so sympathise. It is very hard when you get into the 'endless same question' routine and can no longer have any sort of proper conversation. And I had the same, with taking my mother out. For quite a while she would enjoy it, but later would always start fretting very quickly that she had to 'get back' for 'the children' or something else from the distant past. It must be particularly hard for you when you are so far away.

Yes, that is what is hardest, being so far away. I get shocked at the changes and when I get used to them, I have to leave to return home.

Thanks for sharing your experience with me.

 

[21citrouilles]

Hello Citrouille
It must be extra hard from a distance but then what about dementia is not extra hard? I am at the stage of thinking that maybe I should stop taking her out for 20 mins drive as last time I did so she collapsed and ended up at casualty.


I thought skyping might be a good idea but it did not work for us. It was very hard to make conversation without falling in to asking questions which obviously fell in to an abyss. I commented on as much as I could, nice jumper, nice haircut, family news but the rapport did not even begin. Oh well worth a try!

The one saving grace for you and I is that our mothers are in a nursing home that we are very confident in.

You're right, eveything about dementia is hard, whatever the circumstances. And not having the previous rapport is such a big loss... Yes at least I'm not worried about her daily living in the nursing home. A big relief. Thanks for your words.