What do I say? How do I deal with it?

[smudgedog]

Hello everyone,

My mum was diagnosed with mid-stage alzheimers in June of last year - the doctor thinks it may have started a couple of years previously.

Mum is still very physically active, although she no longer does the things she used to like cooking and cleaning etc.

My mum lives with my dad. They have been married for 45 years and have always been very happy. Its been difficult lately because it seems that my dad is the one my mum has 'turned on' in a way. Sometimes she seems happy with him but most of the time she shows a lot of hatred towards him, giving him horrible looks, saying he is a nasty horrible person, saying he takes her money etc.

When she says these things, I find it very hard because my dad is a lovely person who is trying his best to look after her. He cooks for her now and gives her medication etc. He does his best. I know mum wouldn't normally say these things. She has never said a spiteful or bad word against anyone in her life and I know its just the alzheimers making her like this.

My question is, what do I do and say when she is like this? She whispers to me what a horrible person my dad is and I just listen and nod my head. What should I say to her? I can't agree with her otherwise it will encourage her more to be like that but I can't say she is wrong either otherwise it will make her feel like I am not there for her?

Please help.

 

[jeany123]

Could you say "I am sorry that you feel like that" or "it's a shame you think that" and then change the subject, I know it's easier said than done but just a suggestion,

Jeany x

 

[Wolfsgirl]

How terribly sad this must make you feel! I don't think you can say anything to make a difference to your poor Mum but maybe it will make you feel better to say how much you love him and them both? I often tell my Mum what a fantastic mother she has been and she looks so pleased, I tell her we were so lucky she chose my Dad too and she loves that.

I hope others will think of better things to say.

Best wishes, Sharon

 

[KingB]

Not sure it would work for your mum - but if it were me I would say something along the lines of "gosh yes, men can be pests cant they" or "well nobody is perfect" - and then say "but on the other hand, he's done a great job of ..... <whatever>". So that way you are not actually arguing against what she is saying, but you are hopefully encouraging her to see things more positively.

 

[Jessbow]

Horrid face of this curse called dementia.

Married just short of 60 years , mum depended on dad for everything. She'd demand a drink and if he didn't jump, ( which at 83 , wasn't very often!) or he said ''you get it'' she used to say ''You are not the man I married''

Bless him, dad used to fill with tears.

Very much not the girl he married either

 

[smudgedog]

Thank you all for your replies, they were all very helpful responses. I will try them when mum next says these things.

Having a bad day myself today. Feeling very down about mum being poorly. Its so unfair. She is too good a person to have to go through this.

 

[KingB]

It is awful isnt it. However, saying unpleasant things might pass. My mum has had several phases of laying into my dad verbally, telling him the marriage is over, etc etc.
Tragically he also has dementia and has lost mobility, so has been literally a sitting duck (literally sitting that is, not an actual duck!). Its been awful when mum has been agressive and he has been simply bewildered. And now the boot is on the other foot a bit because dad sometimes doesnt recognise mum and tells her she is not his wife!
Anyway - the phases do pass and there are long periods where they are content and happy together again. I think we have to take things as they come, and hope for better times in due course.

 

[emwmarine]

I don't think anything you say to your mum will change the behaviour. It is ingrained in her path for the disease and she will forget even if you think she has taken something on board.

You are best explaining to your dad about how this changes behaviours and he just has to try to relaise it is not his wife talking really.

Nobody ever has explained the effects and course of alzheimers and the way my mum has behaved to my dad and he is too old fixed in his ways to go on the internet and look here for help.

 

[MissBB]

Thank you all for your replies, they were all very helpful responses. I will try them when mum next says these things.

Having a bad day myself today. Feeling very down about mum being poorly. Its so unfair. She is too good a person to have to go through this.

Hi there - it sounds so similar to my case with my mum and dad about a year ago. In the beginning it is so hard because all your reasoning says how wrong this is.

Its important that your mum feels you understand her, she's trying to communicate something even though it's all coming out wrong. Like many have said here - try a sympathetic smile, nod, big sigh, put your arm round her, say 'bloody men eh' and then change the subject. As long as she doesn't feel alone in her confusion thats the main thing. The Contented Dementia book is useful:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Contented-D...07183658&sr=8-1&keywords='contented+dementia'

It mainly says when a person with dementia is in a bad place it helps to act as if you are there with them - 'we' instead of 'you' and 'me' if you see what I mean.

Patience is key too - take deep breaths, count to 10. Good luck. I feel for you - it's so sad to see what has been a good marriage crumble through this horrible illness but you may be surprised how strong they are getting through it. My dad was in a terrible state last year after being attacked by my mum - but now he visits her every day at the hospital (has done for 7 months). They have many happy moments together.

Kkoo