Compassionate Communication

[Caz60]

Making easy decisions

I'm another one!

I give mum unnecessary choices too, for example when we went out to lunch this week I asked her which seat she'd like at the table......I should just take the decision. She can't compute the variables of a different environment.....I find it so hard to remember, though

Hi ,I also am learning not to give unnecessary choices to my husband .We went up town and called in for lunch after he chose a certain place ,it was awful,not his fault but in future a suggestion of lunch at so and so will be the only option .xx

 

[chick1962]

I seem to forget to talk slowly I do try so hard but sometimes I slip up . Not good ((


Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point

 

[garnuft]

it is often at the cost of not being myself.

I really think this is the compromise that makes life bearable.

My son is 27 this year, he has severe learning difficulties, is 6ft 7ins tall, 20 stone, a gentle giant on the whole.

He is generally timid and tries to please everyone else but if he is crossed and that can be over something SO small you can be unaware, such as turning his magazine from the 'right' angle to the 'wrong' one, he reacts in a very challenging way and the fall-out can continue for days

I had LOTS of issues and challenging behaviour, the epiphany for me was when it was finally suggested that he could be autistic.

He has had all of the rigorous two year long testing and indeed he is.

But the first suggestion of autism was the biggest thing for me, in my life as a carer.

I realised there was no point in contesting all of the miniscule issues my son had/has, it was much better to go with the flow.

I fought against it at first...I was counselled to always use a carrot, never a stick.

It went against the grain, as a mother... to ignore bad behaviour, to leave it unchallenged, to ask MYSELF what had caused the issues, how I could affect things to not have the same outcome.

But as soon as I took it on board, as soon as I began to swallow my instincts and go with my son's flow...life was better.

Every day, every minute of every day...it has been better.

I found many parallels between my son and my mother.

A long winded way of saying...Change how you react, it's the only influence you have.

 

[Hervieux]

gosh yes.i do it time and again.i guess its because before this horrid disease weve been used to equal conversations and its so hard to remember to be constanly reassuring. also does anyone else feel as if the are being patronising in agreeing with everthing?of course its not but somehow i feel like that. you are not alone so dont feel bad

Hello Worn Out,yes,it is sometimes so hard to be always kind,we had a few fiery moments before AD and somehow it is so unatural to always agree,it feels so disloyal to our true selves.But---- anything for a quiet life !

 

[Gabrielle-amie]

gosh yes.i do it time and again.i guess its because before this horrid disease weve been used to equal conversations and its so hard to remember to be constanly reassuring. also does anyone else feel as if the are being patronising in agreeing with everthing?of course its not but somehow i feel like that. you are not alone so dont feel bad

I have been so reassured reading all these comments. At times trying to make the right response seems like just a step too far. I try not to lose my temper but my husband can detect the slightest sharpness in tone and gets upset and cross with me. The whole business of repeating things, trying to guess what their stabs at communicating something means and generally responding in a gentle manner is so exhausting. I long for normal, sensible conversations not just going back over childhood and wartime/job memories. Then, if I think about it too much I feel so wretchedly guilty! Still, tomorrow's another day and another stab at getting it right!

 

[lizzybean]

Since starting this thread I have not improved much, can't seem to get back to where I was. Today however I have had to pull on all my patience reserves. She was so confused this afternoon, I know we have changed her hairdressers day a few weeks ago but I have never known her this bad before. She was just going round & round in circles. I tried every distraction technique I know but she wouldn't be derailed.

Hats off to you 24/7 folk, I seriously do not know how you do it.

 

[father ted]

Saw this just when I needed it!

I too feel guilty about my lack of compassionate communication. Mum lives with me and for the most part is OK but sometimes comes out with things that I feel I have to correct either because they are wrong or offensive. Eg anyone that is deaf and wears a hearing aid is 'deaf and dumb'. As I am writing this I sound ridiculous but it really bugs me. Anyone we come across is either 'a funny/strange little man/woman'. I know old people say funny things but her comments always seem to inherently put people down.
If I correct her she takes it as a personal attack and will become passive aggressive- 'no one wants you when you are old, etc. This morning she said she'd be better off dead because my daughter, who is severely disabled and very anxious snapped at my Mum after she kept Mum kept on about how ill and lonely she feels. My Mum is so much better off than all her friends who are either in homes or live independently with support from carers but are very isolated and lonely.
So as some one else said our conversations are reduced to platitudes and the weather and I feel she is being short changed but she can't seem to cope with anything else.

 

[kingmidas1962]

Saw this just when I needed it!

----- Mum ---- sometimes comes out with things that I feel I have to correct either because they are wrong or offensive ----- Anyone we come across is either 'a funny/strange little man/woman'. I know old people say funny things but her comments always seem to inherently put people down.

I could have written this about my mum - only in her case everything is about weight. People are often described as 'the fat one' or 'the one with the massive bum' ... I'm not exactly a twiglet myself so I dread to think how I am described!

---- If I correct her she takes it as a personal attack ----

Yes, here too - if I point out that 'the fat one' or 'the one with the massive bum' might in fact be very kind people I am 'always taking other peoples side' and if someone is rude to HER and I happen to say they might be having a bad day I am told that every day is a bad day for her, and she is never rude. Well, she must be listening to an entirely different conversation than the ones I hear then, as she can be shockingly nasty!

 

[worn out]

how do i cope with the daily question of who is dead compassionately?Do i explain that .yes.her mum.dad,brother and husband are indeed dead? it seems an obsession at the moment and if i swerve the question she gets upset that they dont visit her.if i answer truthfully she gets upset that they are dead(naturally enough).

 

[Ritch01]

Its taken me a while but I do now "go with the flow". My mother has Dementia and lives with me and wants to go home everyday for at least the past year. There is no point reasoning that this is their home etc...as logic is not part of Dementia. I say I will take you home tomorrow don't you want to stay with me tonight etc it works.... tomorrow is another day. The biggest thing you can give anyone with Dementia is love and to be there ...its hard when you are accused of all sorts of things ...running off with other women that's when she thinks I am her husband (my father) but its not my mother saying these things its Dementia. She doesn't mean it. I get her to do things she likes - listening to country and western music - feed the birds - and as much routine as possible. She is child like so I treat her like a child I say child like things it makes her happy. It takes a while to go with the flow as at the start you don't want a loved one to act like this ...my mother makes sexual remarks and swears it hurts you to see it. But you have to somehow look past it ..if my mother says the sky is green I agree with her. As well as easier I just think does it really matter I have enough to cope with and worry about and anyway in her mind she sees blue but says green. I try and capture the moments that make me smile ..I write them down for other family members to share...in August last year my mother insisted on wearing her winter coat and fur hat to Tesco it was 28 degrees sun blazing...I went along with it ... its not far so she wasn't going to collapse in the heat...we met a man in shorts and tee shirt he looked at my mother she looked at him and she said "I think its a heat wave". You have to laugh or you would cry...she laughed as well..I could list 20 things which could make me cry about the whole situation but I could also list 20 things which I am thankful for ...she gave up her younger days to look after 6 children so now its time to look after her come what may...she needs to be happy...safe... and when she tells me I am a right so and so during the day which happens often and can be scary at the time as I don't really know what she may do next...a kiss goodnight and her saying she feels safe because I am in the next bedroom...is good enough for me until I am up again within a couple of hours as for her its time to get up!!!!