Hi - I am new on here and slowly learning how to cope with my Mum who is 87 and has vascular dementia. Basically my Dad used to be her main carer, and between them they hid how bad things were, but Dad passed away quite quickly in November and by January it was clear Mum couldn't be left for long on her own and certainly couldn't continue to live on her own. After discussions with her GP she now lives in a residential care home and is being well looked after. I visit her 2 or 3 times a week and generally she is a lot better than she was at home, however, most times she has forgotten that Dad has died. Sometimes she says he has visited her, sometimes she asks if I have been to see him. When I visited on Friday she said Dad had phoned to say he had a fall, that he was ok but she asked if I could visit him to check and let her know how he is. Up until this point I have always reminded her that Dad has gone, but we are now at a point where she doesn't even remember the funeral. Telling her Dad has gone breaks my heart every time, but doesn't seem to affect her as much. I'm just not sure if I should go along with the conversation and not correct her and just tell her Dad is fine or if I should correct her? Correcting her doesn't seem to make any difference as she still thinks he is alive the next time I visit and it just upsets me, but at the same time I'm not sure if its right to lie to her?? Any suggestions gratefully received - I'm getting to the point where I'm dreading visiting her as I just seem to make her more confused and I just get upset!! Thank you
Need a bit of advice... how honest should I be???
- Thread starter Pear
- Start date
I know this pain and believe me I sympathise....I went through a spell of Mum ringing me to ask where my sister was....she'd died 15 years earlier. Each time it was like a blow to the heart.
I would just go along with the conversation and throw in answers like " I haven't seen him today" or " He is well" " He's out shopping" and generally just agree with passing the messages on for her. I know it seems like lying but it is a kindness to yourself as well as to Mum and it gets to be easier with practice sadly.
I would just go along with the conversation and throw in answers like " I haven't seen him today" or " He is well" " He's out shopping" and generally just agree with passing the messages on for her. I know it seems like lying but it is a kindness to yourself as well as to Mum and it gets to be easier with practice sadly.
I agree with piph and Cragmaid, it's just upsetting you while you're still grieving for your dad and not helping your mum at all.
It makes me more comfortable if I don't tell a direct lie so, for example, when MIL asks for her mum (she died in 1994 aged 94) I just say she'll be along soon, or something evasive like that. As they were both committed Christians, it doesn't exactly feel like a lie.
It makes me more comfortable if I don't tell a direct lie so, for example, when MIL asks for her mum (she died in 1994 aged 94) I just say she'll be along soon, or something evasive like that. As they were both committed Christians, it doesn't exactly feel like a lie.
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We have used 'love lies' in such circs with both my mother and my FIL. We were new to dementia when FIL first started asking where his wife (dead some 10 years) was. At first we explained gently that she had died, but he would be terribly upset and in any case would only forget very quickly and soon ask again. So we started saying she had just popped to the shops or gone to see Auntie so and so, and he would be quite happy. I used to worry at first that he would remember the fibs and accuse us of lying to him, but he never did.
It seemed strange to me that my mother never asked about my father, though they had been happily married for so long and she was devastated when he died. However she did eventually start asking about her parents (dead some 30 and 50 years). She would say they must be getting old now and could do with some help - she ought to go and see them. (She herself was over 90 by then). By then I was used to such things and would just say e.g. I hadn't seen them lately (!) but I would give them a ring later and see when they'd like us to go and visit, maybe tomorrow? Again, this always satisfied her and she never once remembered that I'd said much the same before.
It does give you such a dreadful jolt when this sort of thing first crops up, but it's amazing what you can get used to. All the best.
It seemed strange to me that my mother never asked about my father, though they had been happily married for so long and she was devastated when he died. However she did eventually start asking about her parents (dead some 30 and 50 years). She would say they must be getting old now and could do with some help - she ought to go and see them. (She herself was over 90 by then). By then I was used to such things and would just say e.g. I hadn't seen them lately (!) but I would give them a ring later and see when they'd like us to go and visit, maybe tomorrow? Again, this always satisfied her and she never once remembered that I'd said much the same before.
It does give you such a dreadful jolt when this sort of thing first crops up, but it's amazing what you can get used to. All the best.
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I don't think 'honesty is best' works at all for Alzheimers.
My sister died two years ago and telling mum again just caused her to be upset all over again. Now she doesn't even remember haviong any children at all so it doesn't matter as much.
White lies are an important part of looking after someone with dementia. They may not make the teller of them feel comfortable but they are part of day to day living with the condition.
My sister died two years ago and telling mum again just caused her to be upset all over again. Now she doesn't even remember haviong any children at all so it doesn't matter as much.
White lies are an important part of looking after someone with dementia. They may not make the teller of them feel comfortable but they are part of day to day living with the condition.
My Mum used to ask if I had heard from her Mum (who had died 30 years previously) or if I had seen her Dad (who died before I was born). I used to say things like, I am sure she is fine and change the subject. I didn't like lying by saying things like I'd phone them, but I did reassure her that they were fine. As she and they were all people who believed in a life after death that squared the circle for me. Telling her they were dead seemed unnecessarily cruel to me.
I've met other older people living with dementia who would say things like their mum would make me a cup of tea, and I always thanked them for their kindness and said that their mum was a nice lady.
I've met other older people living with dementia who would say things like their mum would make me a cup of tea, and I always thanked them for their kindness and said that their mum was a nice lady.
Hi Pear and welcome to TP. Think by now you must get the jest of it. Its seems what ever works goes, sort to hear about your dad. Its very sad that that this is how things have to be with this horrible disease. Take care lindax
Mum used to ask where her parents were (40 yrs gone) and I would say at work or shopping. Mum doesn't know she has been married so I am a friend or sometimes her Mum.
Her NH used to tell her her Mum was dead which really upset her as she meant me when she asked. I think I am just some woman who visits her now and not a relative.
Her NH used to tell her her Mum was dead which really upset her as she meant me when she asked. I think I am just some woman who visits her now and not a relative.
I had to do this also.
When her sister, also with Alzheimer's spotted mams wedding ring, she asked
Are you married?
Mum said ' no I've never been married'
Sister said ' well you are wearing a wedding ring'
When she asked about her mum who had died 30 years ago I told her the truth.
Mum got such a shock. I told her she was at work, looking after the little ones, she'd popped in but mum was asleep and will call later.
Just awful isn't it?
When her sister, also with Alzheimer's spotted mams wedding ring, she asked
Are you married?
Mum said ' no I've never been married'
Sister said ' well you are wearing a wedding ring'
When she asked about her mum who had died 30 years ago I told her the truth.
Mum got such a shock. I told her she was at work, looking after the little ones, she'd popped in but mum was asleep and will call later.
Just awful isn't it?
I think some care homes have an 'always tell the truth' policy and their staff are told they must. It is justified on some sort of 'dignity' or 'human rights' grounds, regardless of whether it is at all helpful or achieves anything except to upset or agitate the person.
One member of staff at my mother's CH told me I should tell her 'this is your home now', which is what they did, but she would accept it from them. From me it would arouse tears and anger, and sometimes venom - what was the point, when she was only going to forget in 2 minutes anyway, and a 'love lie' would keep her happy? I took no notice of their evidently well-meant but IMO misguided advice - quite apart from anything else I did know her far better than they did.
I really don't think that in Alzheimer's honesty can ever be the best policy. I did in the early days try to be honest with Mum about her illness, the death of her parents and why Dad was falling apart with the stress of trying to care for her. This was, I think, a very bad idea, and simply served to cause more upset and distress - logic cannot help when the sufferer's view of the world is not the one you yourself have.
With guidance from Alzheimer's Society staff, I learned not to challenge Mum's take on the world, and to go along with what she thought to be the case - making often quite bland, non-committal responses to her questions - designed to assure her that everything was fine.
This is the policy I use whenever I spend time with her - and is part of my overall aim for her experience of life - as far as ever possible - to be calm, peaceful and non-threatening.
With guidance from Alzheimer's Society staff, I learned not to challenge Mum's take on the world, and to go along with what she thought to be the case - making often quite bland, non-committal responses to her questions - designed to assure her that everything was fine.
This is the policy I use whenever I spend time with her - and is part of my overall aim for her experience of life - as far as ever possible - to be calm, peaceful and non-threatening.
My mum used to ask why her dad hadn't been to see her, he died in 1983, so I just used to tell her they had a flap on at the railway and he was working really long hours. Seemed to calm her down and to be honest it's easier than trying to tell them the truth.
Iam still honest
Hi I am a carer for my wife who has Alzheimers she has had it for 5 years I still cant switch from being honest to telling Alzheimers lies. It would help a lot if l could see someone else dealing with this. Its the Sundowning period after dinner that my wife starts on about wanting to go home \ wheres her mum and dad \ where are the others \ she wants to talk to her husband. This could go on for hours, and its happening nearly every night now.
I am trying to find some befrienders \ visitors to come round for an hour, 2 times a week in the Sundowning period to see if their visits could improve things.
Hi I am a carer for my wife who has Alzheimers she has had it for 5 years I still cant switch from being honest to telling Alzheimers lies. It would help a lot if l could see someone else dealing with this. Its the Sundowning period after dinner that my wife starts on about wanting to go home \ wheres her mum and dad \ where are the others \ she wants to talk to her husband. This could go on for hours, and its happening nearly every night now.
I am trying to find some befrienders \ visitors to come round for an hour, 2 times a week in the Sundowning period to see if their visits could improve things.
Thank you
Thank you all so much! I have adopted this new approach and it has made such a difference to the visits. I still don't feel comfortable, it's almost as if I'm betraying Dads memory, but it stops mum getting distressed and me less stressed. My partner says he can see a difference in how I am after the visits too - I'm less upset and stressed. It's made me finally accept how cruel dementia is too - stealing people of memories they have taken a life time to collect, but at the same time I think I needed to face up to it and accept the reality. I feel like I've gone past a 'point' of recognising what is really happening. Thanks again for the support and advice on here - it really in invaluable xx
Thank you all so much! I have adopted this new approach and it has made such a difference to the visits. I still don't feel comfortable, it's almost as if I'm betraying Dads memory, but it stops mum getting distressed and me less stressed. My partner says he can see a difference in how I am after the visits too - I'm less upset and stressed. It's made me finally accept how cruel dementia is too - stealing people of memories they have taken a life time to collect, but at the same time I think I needed to face up to it and accept the reality. I feel like I've gone past a 'point' of recognising what is really happening. Thanks again for the support and advice on here - it really in invaluable xx
I'm a little disturbed by the certainty of some of the posts on this thread. I have no problem at all with people saying what works for them and what they are comfortable with, but I'm not sure it's right to suggest that dishonesty is the best policy for everyone.
This topic is discussed often on TP and there are always some people who prefer to avoid 'love lies'. It isn't right to suggest, even unintentionally, that their approach is wrong. Everyone has to find their own solution because everybody is different.
This topic is discussed often on TP and there are always some people who prefer to avoid 'love lies'. It isn't right to suggest, even unintentionally, that their approach is wrong. Everyone has to find their own solution because everybody is different.
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Hi Aspire
I don't think anyone is saying lie all the time - just do whatever is kindest at the time. There's a difference between telling elaborate lies, and just not telling the whole truth. EG my best mate died when he was 40 - 13 years ago. Mum knew him well. If mum asks after him, I might say I haven't seen him for a while, but I think he's fine. I once reminded her of his premature death, and she wept like it was the first time she heard - effectively it was the first time, even though we went to the funeral together. I don't give her bad news, because in the short term it makes her desperately unhappy, and long term it's gone, so I'd have to tell her again and again.
I did a very useful course organised by my local Alzheimers Society, for carers and cared for. Mixing with a dozen carers was my fastest learning experience - some had it well sorted, others were making terrible errors which I had sometimes made. I would try to get some support from other carers, and see how they are with their loved ones. Everyone is different, but some things come up again and again.
On honesty - no parent boasts that they lie to their kids all the time, but they certainly aren't always honest. Do what's best for them at the time.
All the best
Robin
My brother used to remind my Mum that Dad had passed away every time she asked about him, every time she was so shocked and heartbroken until she forgot again.
It felt terrible to lie to my Mum but was actually much kinder to tell her things like he is fine or tell her he is in Ireland (where he is buried). Sometimes tell her things he would have said and you should see her smile or laugh! My brother now even tells Mum that Dad is having a Chinese takeaway - anything to cause reassurance rather than grief.
Best wishes all
It felt terrible to lie to my Mum but was actually much kinder to tell her things like he is fine or tell her he is in Ireland (where he is buried). Sometimes tell her things he would have said and you should see her smile or laugh! My brother now even tells Mum that Dad is having a Chinese takeaway - anything to cause reassurance rather than grief.
Best wishes all
I don't think anyone is saying that. But some people do have terrible moral qualms about telling lies in any circs., regardless of whether it would be kinder. Some people on here have said, 'I was brought up always to tell the truth.' Well, so were 99.9% of us, if not the other 0.1% too.
All we are trying to say is that telling fibs in such circs is often a lot kinder than the truth. Very likely we all do it now and then anyway, e.g. telling someone their new dress or hairdo is lovely, when we privately wonder what on earth possessed them. And how many of us, for the sake of strict truth, would tell an excited little kid, sorry, but Father Christmas does not exist?
(Though I know a few such miseries do exist...)
