This is opening up a raw wound and I feel I cannot cope with it

[Georgina N]

My husband died in February after many years of dementia , he was in a specialist nursing home for 5 years. There were many very traumatic times but I have been coping not too badly since then and trying to keep busy. However , recently my mum has had various health issues ( not dementia) and I have taken her to Gps appointments etc which I have found difficult as it brings back the memories of dealing with my husbands illness and many medical consultations. Luckily I am not an only child , I have a brother & sister , but today my mum asked me to take her to a hospital appointment ....I said that I would , but when i put the phone down i just collapsed in tears at the thought of having to go into a hospital.... I feel so raw from my husbands death this year and don't feel I'd even be safe to drive my mum to her appointment. I can't understand why this has affected me so badly but although of course the memories are still so fresh of his illness and decline , it is as if a wound has been reopened ....I haven't told Mum how I
feel as i don't want to upset her.
Am I being really selfish here? I dont know who else to talk to.

 

[Wolfsgirl]

No Georgina you are not being selfish - you are still in grief. I am sure you would be saying this to someone else in the same situation, tell your Mum how you feel and she will understand, I am sure and will probably say just the right thing. You are bound to have huge moments of unbelievable emotion and will probably never know or understand what will trigger it off.

I say be kind to yourself and let yourself feel how you feel, it has to be the right thing for you x

My husband died in February after many years of dementia , he was in a specialist nursing home for 5 years. There were many very traumatic times but I have been coping not too badly since then and trying to keep busy. However , recently my mum has had various health issues ( not dementia) and I have taken her to Gps appointments etc which I have found difficult as it brings back the memories of dealing with my husbands illness and many medical consultations. Luckily I am not an only child , I have a brother & sister , but today my mum asked me to take her to a hospital appointment ....I said that I would , but when i put the phone down i just collapsed in tears at the thought of having to go into a hospital.... I feel so raw from my husbands death this year and don't feel I'd even be safe to drive my mum to her appointment. I can't understand why this has affected me so badly but although of course the memories are still so fresh of his illness and decline , it is as if a wound has been reopened ....I haven't told Mum how I
feel as i don't want to upset her.
Am I being really selfish here? I dont know who else to talk to.

 

[Grannie G]

Oh dear Georgina. I`m so sad for you.

Be honest with your mother, I`m sure she`ll understand. Is there any chance your brother or sister can go instead.

Many people think we are well recovered from a loss, perhaps because we are not weeping and wailing all the time. And if we don`t tell them, when maybe they assume we are fine, they will never know.

You certainly are not selfish. You have been through the mill, first with the loss of your friend and then the loss of your husband.

 

[nellbelles]

My thoughts are that the last thing you are is selfish.

You have spent so long putting everyone else first that I really think that emotionally you are totally drained.

I do hope you can get another family member to help and give you some breathing space to take time for you.

 

[60's child]

Dear Georgina
You are not selfish at all. To lose a partner is such a huge thing and February is no time at all. I dont imagine it has even fully sunk in yet? I am sure your Mum will understand and hopefully one of your siblings will be able to take your Mum. It sounds like you have been "coping" on the surface and keeping busy but the thought of going to a hospital has brought it all to the surface.
Please take some time out for yourself. Everyone will understand.
x

 

[TinaT]

My husband died in September and two days after he was buried I was phoned up from the hospital. My mother had gone for the camera down her throat and had told them I would pick her up. My feelings were unrepeatable! I was angry to say the least. All I wanted to do was lie in bed all day and cry. I was not very pleasant to my mother driving her home.

Over the next two months she went downhill rapidly, losing weight and not taking care of herself. I was constantly making appointments and taking her to the doctors who said she had water infections etc., etc.,
By December the doctor had finally decided to refer her to a renal consultant. During this time two neighbours of my mother accused me of being a horrible daughter and 'useless'! This despite the fact that I did all her shopping, cleaning and had her staying for days at a time with me! They felt that I should have brought her home to live with me permanently. By Christmas she was almost living with me and between Christmas and New Year I phoned for an emergency ambulance and got her into hospital.

After a week in hospital I was told there was nothing wrong with her and she was being discharged. A week later, still in hospital she finally complained of pain and the doctor sent her for a scan. The next day I was told she was dying of cancer and would not live more than 3 months. The next two months were spent caring for her until she died.

So I had my husband and mother both die within six months of each other.

I never really had time to grieve for my husband. I was too busy looking after my mother. When my mother died it all finally hit me. I spent the next year in deep depression and hiding it from everyone who knew me. It has taken me two years to get myself on mentally sound ground again.

I really don't know what to say to you except that I hope you survive the grief. Perhaps your mother needing you will take away a little of the pain. I can't say that my having to care for my mother immediately after caring for my husband for such a long time helped me but it did make me so busy that I had to put my grief to one side.

But the grief of being all alone after they had both died nearly finished me off.

xxTina

 

[Georgina N]

Thank you all for your wise words, I do feel completely drained after 8-9 years of dealing with my husbands illness which as you all know from personal experience becomes more harrowing as it progresses. I feel as if I am in recovery from an illness myself and I just have to take things at my own pace as I cannot cope otherwise. I started to go through the things that the nursing home had packed up which belonged to my husband but I had to stop as I couldn't bear it. It still feels as if he has only just died. I absolutely could not bear to go to a hospital right now .... I do generally hold things together on the surface like you say , Sylvia , so people think I am ok ...it is a very private grief for me and if I begin to talk about it I just break down and feel much worse, so I try not to .
I love my family but sometimes they drive me nuts and I don't feel I can talk to them at the moment .
.I'm not strong enough physically or mentally to be a support to anyone else .I feel like driving my car into a wall so that they won't be able to ask me to do things like this .
My sister is going on holiday for 3 weeks & had told my mum that I would deal with her hospital appointment without asking me first!
Tina ,I cannot imagine how you coped with your situation , you are an incredibly strong person and your mother's neighbours are obviously virilent witches. I am glad that you are coming through on the other side of such a terrible time in your life xx